Taking Back What’s Mine

I refuse to let myself be called broken. I refuse to be someone that lets their past dictate their future.

I am no longer someone that is holding onto their hurt. I am no longer someone that was once so innocent and letting someone walk all over me.

I am no longer someone that has to dread waking up the next day because the pain just wasn’t worth it.

Life is bigger than all of that pettiness. Life is bigger than holding onto something that you cannot fix and cannot change.

What’s done is done.

It’s as simple as that.

I cannot change that my heart got torn and half but I’m kindly asking for it back. I owe myself to let go of things that weigh me down on my climb.

I cannot change that my safety was taken away. But I am taking it back. I no longer am someone who is scared.

I am no longer someone that has to hold onto any hate, any regret, any self torment. None of it.

The part of being a free person is to let the heavy things go.

I said 2020 had hard hits. But life has taught me to fight. How to endure the hardships. How to endure the pain.

Someone said in the ring there’s a second round. I got my restoration; I’m coming back for everything that life has taken from me.

“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you”

Healing For This Broken Soul

I wanna grow old. Telling those kids the memories I have.

I’m at that age where I’m creating those memories.

The pain I felt when I freaked out over someone I’m very fond of if they were on that tragic boat sinking. The wake up call I got that life is short (even if they weren’t pot fishing, they’re COD fishing) and that feelings are still alive. And I’m not that far gone where I can still feel.

I used to not care. I didn’t care about what would happen to me. But recently, people have put breath back into my lungs.

I started reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. I have realized that I love people and I love making friends.

I feel like I can breath again.

Things are coming together. I’m growing. My garden is blooming.

People have been reaching out to me. Asking me to hang out. Hitting me up. Confiding in me. I feel like I have purpose. People say you glow different when you’re loved properly, well my people are treating me so well and I love them all.

Hope for the hopeless.

I used to think that I could give my heart or my mind to anyone. People have proven me wrong in the past. And a couple of people have proved me wrong all in one week.

I am a believer in love. Regardless of the front we all put up; we all just wanna be loved. It’s been a long time for me to admit that love existed. I always thought no one would ever want to be in love with someone like me.

Why is it that we reject what’s good for us? We reject the best for us. It can be so immense, that it becomes too much to handle.

I can’t sleep right now, and I haven’t been able to sleep at all really, only when someone is holding me.

I wrote in this journal I keep. And it was about love.

“Talk is not cheap. It helps you learn about that person you think about late at night. What they strive for, who they want to be. What they think about.

Opening up is important. Not talking about them (feelings); i feel it would just eat me up inside. And it does… I never know how to properly express myself. Talk is not cheap. It’s expensive. Love is not cheap. There’s value in it.

Love can be a scary thing. Hell, I’m still scared of it. As a woman, I’m supposed to crave love, but I feel like I’m one of the only ones that are scared of love and a commitment. I also haven’t been one to date either. Never had an interest. Maybe that’s why I am so alone all the time…”

A lot has made me reflect on what life is. And a lot has made me reflect on what I want to with the rest of my life. A lot has made me reflect on what’s important. I’ve done a tremendous job about knowing what’s not important. A lot has happened this weekend. A lot of good. A lot of heaviness. A lot of laughter. I’m thankful. For the safety and provision God has had on my family. Especially this weekend. I had to sit on the docks the other night and evaluate everything. Take everything in. Then I decided, I no longer have to label myself as unhappy. Or something that “something always bad happens to me.” Happiness and joy, are a choice. Everyone in my family is safe. I’m safe. I had one of the best weekends of my life, but also a really emotional one. I dealt with a lot. I feel like I handled (mostly) everything gracefully. Except for the fact that I yelled at someone for hitting me, all seriousness aside, that wasn’t so graceful. I’m choosing to be happy. I’m choosing to have joy in my heart. I want to illuminate everything I’ve seen in the people I surrounded myself with. Whether it be my good friend slowly turning into my best friend doing the “heal clicky thing” on video. To someone who has such a radiant spirit about them. With a gorgeous smile and an awesome personality. To my sister who was being a dork but cute at the same time. To my animals, loving on me when I needed it, and my mom listening to me mess up my words and laughing at me just as I would at her had she done the same thing. I know some good people, and I met one of the dopest souls I’ve come across. I’m hopeful. Regardless of the safety that was taken away from me these past few weeks, I’m choosing to be grateful. It’s a freeing feeling.

And I’m more hopeful than ever.

Be Who You Needed.

Have you ever heard the expression: Be who you needed when you were younger ?

I’ve recently moved to the Christmas capital of the world… I’m not back home anymore, as of now, at least. I kept thinking about my trauma, my childhood. Who did I need when I was younger?

When I go back home, back to my little island. I have little cousins that I can take for hot cocoa and a coffee and a bagel or a pastry. My little cousin Pierce lost his mom when he was five. Just five years old, and he’s living without his mother… I honestly long to be that someone that he needs. His older sister is amazing though. But I want to be that family member that has a weekly date with him and picks him up and gets some coffee and whatever he wants. Along with my cousin Seveah, and Sabrina again. I used to hang out with my cousin Sabrina all the time. I felt like I was finally being that person that I needed when I was younger. I needed someone to keep me in check, keep me humble, make sure I was making the right decisions so I didn’t end up doing something stupid, and got mad because I didn’t have the proper guidance. Not that she would’ve listened to me 100%, but at least I’d be a little bit of the guidance she needed.

I want to be that one with the question in my book that asks: Who has made a huge impact on your life, good or bad? I want them to answer “My cousin Mychal. Definitely good, because she would pick me every week that she could and hang out with me.

There’s someone in my life that I am friends with, he has a son. It got me thinking, what he’s doing for his son, he loves his son, he’s taking care of his son. That’s his family.

The kind of life I have had, caused my heart to grow cold and callused. When my niece was born, and I had brought Jesus back into my life, my heart started to grow warm after each beautiful moment; it began to thaw each time. Seeing my friend, or well hearing my friend talk about his son from time to time I would see that sparkle in his eye, why can’t I have that for my cousins, or my nieces? My favorite artist dropped one of the hottest albums of the year, he’s searching for change. Talking to the past him helping him move on, basically; his album and his words, along with everyone good surrounding me are inspiring me to aspire, to do better, to BE better. I want to hustle, to be who I needed when I was younger.

I Miss the Smiles Of When We Were Innocent

I’ve been battling a lot mentally. And it’s had me taking a step back, I’ve been analyzing a lot.

What makes you insecure? What makes you forget about your worth?

You feel like you are too fat? Love handles too big? You feel too skinny? Want to add a little weight? That you’re chicken bone? Don’t feel intelligent enough? Barley graduated high school? Do you place your worth in people? Or how people perceive you?

When did that all change? When did our innocence of having child like faith go away? When did we start worrying about what we looked like and how we came off? When did the innocence go away of not trusting people go out the window? Where did the beauty go, the beauty of innocence? All of it? How and when……?

I bought this book, and its title is: 3000 Questions About Me. A question in there said, “When people look in your eyes, what do you hope they see?” What do you hope they see? If they don’t see the things you hope they see, is that going to determine your worth?

I’m too fat, then I’m too skinny, I’m too kind and get walked all over, I’m too mean and people start talkin’. I buy too much, then buy too little. In this society you can never win. There was and ugly saying that is ever so true, it was saying, “Be yourself…. But not like that” That’s the ugly truth about today. You are never going to satisfy everyone. You are not living for them. All the lies in your head are taking up space in your brain. Get it out. Run from it, leave it at the door, run for the hills from those lies telling you that you are not worth it. Run for the hills from those lies that tell you that everyone is out to get you, or that everyone is eventually going to hurt you. Run from those lies that tell you, you are not good enough to be with anyone. Those lies that tell you are too fat, those lies that tell you, your skin and bone is ugly, those lies that tell you are too stupid, those lies that tell you, you aren’t wise enough to understand things. Those lies that tell you that the climb isn’t worth it, the climb of life, and those lies that tells you that you are wasting your time. Those lies that tell you to doubt something you were so sure of just a minute ago. Those lies that say you are too damaged to be loved. Those lies that say you are too nerdy to be friends. Those lies that tell you your hair is too thin. Those lies that say your hair is too damaged. Those lies that tell you, you can’t trust anyone. Those lies that tell you that you are better off alone.

Know your worth, my darlings. Know that you are worth so much more than those lies. Continue writing that book you planned on finishing. Continue trying to work out if you want to change something about yourself. Start eating the right carbs and fatties that you need to in order to gain that extra weight you need to. Study some more to show that you are not in fact unintelligent. Shove that Diploma in the Liars face. I’ve learned that if you want people to see you for you, don’t be afraid to show them exactly who you are. Start loving on yourself more. It’s not worth it to lose your mind over something or someone that doesn’t know your worth. Run from those lies. KNOW. YOUR. WORTH.

let it go

something beautiful wants to grow in its place

amazingmovement.com

It’s you, it’s you that is the beautiful thing that wants to grow…

Poetry For The Helpless

Pain,

Fear,

Doubt,

Depression,

Self-hatred,

Bitterness,

Anxiety,

Loneliness,

Self-loathing…..

Let me go,

Let me go,

Let me go,

Let me go……

Opinions Are Just Thoughts Of Those Who Don’t Understand Who You Are

Like a wild flower, you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people never thought you would

They said I wouldn’t graduate, but I’m sitting here with my diploma, doing a job I love. Working for some awesome people. They said I wouldn’t go far in life if I continued to be the way that I am. I think what people forget; is that you can grow. You can change however you want. You can get into the mindset of never going back. Never going back to what they said you would be. You can grow into places people never thought they would see you in. You can turn into someone who people never thought you would be. And even better. You would never owe anyone an explanation. A lot of the times people tell me how to live my life, they would try and tell me how I was supposed to think, even an old interest in someone; they tried telling me what MY thoughts and MY opinions were. What he didn’t know though? Is that I’m an Alaskan women. Where the men are men and the woman are too. There’s something about us Alaskan women that you can’t really tell them nothin. You can certainly try, but what he didn’t like is that I didn’t listen to him. Come to Alaska and you’ll see that’s how all the other women here too. He said there was no grace about me at all, which was weird because you get what you give in some cases, and that’s what it was.

Turning into someone that’s beautifully crazy, and beautifully graceful. They said I wouldn’t make it, they said I wouldn’t try, they said I was going no where. But here I am. Sitting here today doing what I love, writing, talking with friends who will last a life time. And making memories that are going down in the book of legendaries. People who share their opinion about you but have no idea who you were created to be. Don’t be like them, and don’t be like me, I used to be such a people pleaser. But no more. It is a waste of who you’re supposed to become. If they’re not going to be there in the end of the finish line then don’t worry about them. Make the people who are rooting for you, proud of who you are and what you want to accomplish.

When you feel like you can’t breath and everything is dark, perhaps you weren’t buried, but you were planted. Now start blooming.

Which Flower is it Anyway?

Ever felt yourself coming back to life slowly and slowly each day after wanting to basically dead for so long? You feel something being revived in your life again? Your heart starts getting warmer each moment that makes you happy? You start recognizing the love you have for things or people that make you happy?

After being heartless for so long and not caring about anything. My heart is changing every day. I seriously thought that my heart mind and soul were going to be left for dead because of my lack of care. Here’s the good news, I’m starting to care. I’m there now. I don’t know what this means; and honestly, it seems confusing. But we’ll see what happens.

I feel like, I’m finally becoming the flower I’m supposed to be. It’s not what everyone expected but, it’s the one that’s blooming, but which one is it gonna be? Which flower is it anyway?

Am I going to be vibrant, and flamboyant? Am I going to attract the beautiful people in life? Is it going to be people I do not want to live without? Am I going to be one of those people? I feel like, being the age of 22, I’m still allowed to figure out who I want to be. The attention I want to attract. The people I want to attract. I feel like right now; this face of mine along attracts some people who don’t have my best interest at heart. Nevertheless, there is time to change that.

One thing about flowers is that, they will either evolve and grow in their environment, or they will meet one’s end. I am going to surround myself with people who help me evolve and gloriously bloom into the flower/garden that I was created to be; I was talking to a good friend of mine last night, about how if I let or if he let his tragic story shape who he was for the negative. He would be miserable and how we chose to have a perspective on, I’m not going to let what happened to me define me. I choose to have the perspective of, no I’m going to make something for myself, I not going to let my story make me better not bitter. It may have not been those exact words, but you get the point. Dress good, do good, feel good. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Someone asked me what makes me happy, the good and the bad stuff. Well, My answer is, the stuff people don’t tell you about. The ugly stuff you gotta fight through to get yourself to where you wanna be. That’s the bad. When you feel like you can’t breath another minute, but then you’re waking up the next day feel rejuvenated from the tears the night before. The good, the bad and the ugly. I want it all.

How this relates to this photo? Lemme tell you, I was dealing with pain caused from past circumstances (the ugly I was talking about) but what they don’t tell you is, it’s your choice to decide to smile through it. I still chose to smile. Mostly because I was with My friend Alloy or because we tried really dope coffee. Then we switched because we liked each other’s better 😂. The good and the bad and the ugly. That’s what makes it worth it. That’s what will make me who I want to be one day, that’s what makes me happy. My story is what will make me happy. The one where I’ll tell my nieces and nephews one day.

Your story is yours. You have the option to do what you want with your life and who you let control your life. And how you live it. Don’t let people’s opinions control or even dictate what you’re going to be doing with your life. If someone is mad that your lights are shining bright, it’s simply because they’re not used to that amount of goodness, my darlin.

Don’t let them dim that beautiful light of yours simply because it’s hurting their eyes.

The good the bad and the ugly is what it’s going to take in order for your story to touch someone’s life.

Striving for Ambition.

I’m going to need someone that can handle my attitude when it is on its worst day.

I am going to need someone that can practice patience;

Better yet, I’m going to need someone that chooses forgiveness everyday in our relationship.

I am going to need someone that knows what to say when I am at my weakest point.

I am going to need someone that won’t mind me asking for reassurance when I am doubting myself the most.

I am going to need someone that squeezes me tight until I calm down during an anxiety attack.

I am going to need someone that can make me special day in and day out.

I am going to need someone that understands their stupid little thing isn’t the thing that made me cry, it’s my emotions.

I am going to need someone that will fall in love with the little things about me, because I’ve always dreamt of that.

I am going to need someone that knows what to say when I am not even in a talking mood.

I am going to need someone that will push past the fact that I don’t like corny things.

I am going to need someone that will push past the fact that I don’t like romance and do so anyways.

I am going to need someone that will not talk down to me when I have a flawed opinion.

I am going to need someone that won’t get scared by my family because they’re crazy.

I am going to need someone that will respect my boundaries.

I am going to need someone that will respect my ambitions for God and the way I live for Him.

I am going to need someone that loves God more than they would ever love anything.

Not only am I going to need someone that carries these aspects, I want to have every single one of these aspects as well.