I’ll be okay.

I’m so thankful for how far I’ve come. I’m especially thankful for how far my best friend has come. We haven’t been talking and he’s doing what he needs to do in order to get closer with God.

I love him. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. He needs to get closer with God so I will let him do what he needs to do and let him be my Isaac.

Feelings got caught up and we got so invested in that, that we lost focus. Gotta keep my eye on the prize.

I need you both

Leaving home tomorrow is hitting me hard. This is the first time I’m leaving home longer than two months.

I’m hurting. I’m broken.

I need my best friend…

I will praise God anyways. I will worship Him even when I don’t have the one thing I want more than my walk with God… my best friend.

Loving is a beautiful thing. But boy oh boy can it cause some damage.

People don’t fall out of love. They fall out of forgiveness. The most powerful force on the earth is forgiveness… If it wasn’t for forgiveness. Man would I be in trouble. I go back and think of all the times I was forgiven by God. By people. By the ones I love. I recently hurt my best friend. And that is the second or third worst feeling ever. Especially since I care about him so much I never want to hurt him. My attitude was getting to be too much and I wish I had warned him more. I’m embarrassed of my actions and I’m being humbled big time. I think we got too close… because now we’re both questioning if God wants us to talk to each other…. Can I just be honest? I’m so broken right now. And I haven’t been handling it gracefully either. While I was praying my heart literally felt like it got pressed on. I’m hurt. I’m broken. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I prayed as long as I could… I poured my heart out last night in prayer. I prayed more today. I feel like it was all me. Something was wrong with me. I knew I shouldn’t have been talking to anyone whatsoever. Now. I know it wasn’t just me hurting him but that was the root of it. I hurt him and maybe that got to him and got him thinking that why did it bother him so much. And it got him thinking that maybe we were talking too much.. caring too much. I was telling someone today that I never open up. I pick and choose my best friends and the people I surround myself with… Especially if I feel this type of connection. I close off immediately. Why? So many things have been taken away from me and I’ve been hurt countless of times. It never seems to get easier. Saying goodbye to him was a very difficult moment for me… I hated it. I feel like I have to say goodbye again and the feeling of last time has multiplied by 10….. I can’t breath. I can’t think. I can’t feel. I poured and poured and poured my heart out in prayer. I don’t know what God is doing. I don’t know what His plans are… I’ll continue to try and trust Him. And lean on Him like never before. Where did we go wrong? Did we make a mistake by getting too close? Is God testing our words of saying we’ll sacrifice anything for Him? Testing our loyalty? Testing us on discernment? Teaching us to lean on Him? I’m not going to lie. I’m hurt. I don’t know why God is having this happen. I told Him I couldnt handle anymore… is He proving me wrong? In the middle of praying today. I thought of my best friend that died when I was 5 or 6 years old. I’m not sure why but I felt that same feeling I had when I lost him… My best friend today… I’d do anything for him. I love him too much to let me destroy him. If letting him go so he can be who he needs to be. So be it. He deserves better. If I’m completely wrong this is going to be super awkward but I’d be glad to be wrong…. I love him too much and I love Him too much to hurt either of them. I need my best friend….

For the words I cannot express by speaking them.

My mother said that I have one of those personalities that people are drawn to. Sometimes. I find that hard to believe. My words get the best of me. I fail. And that’s what I hate the most. I don’t wanna fail. One thing that came to mind today that after I messed up. My best friend, why? Here’s why. There were some things that he shared with me early this morning that I don’t know how to cope with. Have you ever been literally frozen? From the words someone was speaking? And shaking because you just didn’t know what was going to happen. That was me… like an idiot I didn’t say anything. I just cried and well didn’t know how to take his complement…

But anyways… He trusted me with a side of himself that only God has seen. I’ve always been the one to confide. Or I’ve been trying to search for someone to confide in my whole life. Last night, I was that person for me. He confided in me. He trusts me. To be honest that scares me. Because I don’t want to fail him. I love him so much. I laid him down as a sacrifice. I told God “I don’t want anyone to get in my way and my walk with you. I will lay it all down if you need me too. I will do anything for you because you died for me. If this is what you want keep this heaviness on my chest and don’t let me leave this pew. If you don’t want him as a sacrifice, lift this off me and overwhelm me with peace.” He told me that it’s okay. And that we need each other. I didn’t know what that meant because my best friend is one of the most independent people I’ve ever met… He doesn’t need me. If anything. I’m the one who needs him. I still don’t know if he even needs me. He might. Wait why am I trying to question God?

(Reader. Don’t think I’m crazy. Because I’m not. Bear with me.)

I don’t think my best friend realizes how much I love him too. There were many times I took him up the mountain too. I don’t think he understands either. He’s much easier at using his words than I am so I’m writing them out because I can never say them out loud sometimes. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because whenever I talk. I always got shut down when I was a kid… I wish I could. But this is the best way I know how to get them out. He’s been trying to teach me to talk and I’ve been trying. Hopefully he’ll make me. He might even see this. Either way.

I am so thankful for where God has us right now. It brings me so much joy and it gives me peace knowing I can go to someone when I need it.

Looking for someone to confide in.

I’ve done a lot of wrong in my life. And I still do wrong every day… today it’s being held against me hard… I messed up. It may not be a big deal to most of you but man is it eating at me tonight. As I lay my head down to sleep, my heart feels heavy and I can’t breath that well. I’ve been kind of freaking out about something and a few minutes ago it was a joke between people, but I’m honestly freaking out and am currently crying about it. I tend to think too hard about a lot of things. It’s kind of the way I am. I try not to but it just usually ends up happening. I’m trying to watch my favorite movie but it’s not even helping. I just wish certain things never happened. Because if they didn’t. I wouldn’t be worried about it right now. I’d be fine. Have you ever thought about a bad situation you were in? Or like a certain person you regret dating? That feeling you get and you try and shake off the feeling? Thinking it’ll go away when you shake? I don’t like feeling dumb… no one does. It leaves me feeling almost empty. I don’t like making mistakes either again, no one does. I feel like I may have gotten too close to someone and have gotten too dependent and I feel pretty ridiculous waiting for them to text back… I feel stupid and like a burden. But man do I need a friend right now. One who will give me righteous advice and look out for my well being and tell me that all these insecurities are wrong and I need to stop. I’m having a rough night and I’m about to confide I someone I shouldn’t be confiding in…. Lord help me…

There was a preaching I listened to.. they said you can’t rebuke what entertains you….. What entertains me seems pretty comforting right now.

True friends…. where ya at??

A true friend will be your candle in the dark, your hope when it’s gone and takes away your pain when it hurts.

Turning over a new leaf.

I’ve had a life changing journey that I took when I went up north this summer. My thoughts are different, my mind has changed and I no longer think the world would be better off without me. I have found that void that my heart was missing and it was the Jesus void. I found that Jesus wasn’t truly hidden in my heart, He wasn’t the center of my attention like the way it should be in my life. I have fallen in love with Him again and I have fallen back in love with my life again. I’ve also fell in love with all those people around me. People have taught me so much, like fruits of the spirit, living life in the moment, and how to be a good friend. I cannot express how much I love my life, friends family and Jesus.

You guys… I’m finally happy.

Screwing thugs up since 1997

Why is it that us as humans cannot control our feelings? I’m like seriously annoyed with myself that I have generated feelings that can and potentially have messed things up. I’m being mentally beaten down again and I just don’t know if I can handle it. I’m exhausted and I’ve been overthinking lately and I just want to be flat out completely honest with this person but I can’t. I was advised not to. I find it so dumb that I can’t control how I feel about someone. If I didn’t have feelings whatsoever, everything would be fine. It’d be perfect go jolly. I’m honestly just thinking about turning my feelings off and just going with the flow. But I have found that determination in me yet. I hope I find it soon because it’s making all these things so complicated. My best friend is weired out & now I feel like she doesn’t wanna be around me and I can’t chill with my new bro because of it. Lord Jesus have mercy on me. I need to learn to just focus on God right now and nothing else. You know what, that’s what I’m gonna do is switch those feelings off or not even think about from now on. So we’re good, we’re Gucci.

Aspiring to inspire

Remember how I was saying that I was so unhappy and that I needed to get away from home? Well I’m happier now. I’ve met great new people and I’ve grown closer with those I would never have guessed. Back in the month of January, I was battling depression and thoughts of suicide. I’ve had two important people tell me that they’ve watched me go from hurt to seeing such a beautiful change in me and they knew or I had told them I was hurting… I don’t feel the need to look to anyone for attention now. Attention is nice, I mean what girl/woman doesn’t like getting attention? But I do not long for that anymore. I’ve been so happy, nothing is going to change that. Maybe a few things here and there, but God is going to restore that peace and joy that I need. I’ve recently come to realize that not everyone is gonna have your back about what you want in life, or certain feelings you have they might not support that was one or the things that has hurt the passed couple days, but I’m not gonna let it hold me back. I’ve recently just got out of this thing that is called Youth Camp and Family Camp. Its where my church organization comes together throughout AK gather for special services. It was completely life changing. I got exactly what I needed from there. I was hurting before. I needed comfort and peace in my mind. I was battling day in and day out about whatever the devil was throwing at me. I was doing that all by myself which wasn’t healthy. I didn’t have God in that equation.ย Which left room for the devil to keep creeping into my head. I was also feeling really insecure about a certain someone wasn’t talking to me and it wasn’t really starting to get to me. Now I’ve just learned to let things go. They’re going through some heavy personal stuff and I needed to learn that it’s nothing personal. Just that I can do what I can do to be there. Be an ear to listen. I love how much I’ve grown and how far I’ve come in just a few short weeks. All for the better. I aspire to be all that I can for God and I can only take on step at a time.
Micah 6:7 rejoice not against oh mine enemy, for when I fall I shall arise.
When I fall, I’m going to get back up.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future”

Perhaps this is the moment for which you were made. Esther 4:14

I aspire to be the woman that a man is praying for. I aspire to be what God has called me to be. I aspire to be that good friend that’s always there when they’re needed. I aspire to be someone anyone can turn to and rely on. I aspire to be that young lady all the elders compliment on her manners & anointing God has given her. I want g the devil go know who I am and want to run me off this earth. I ain’t stopping till I am all these things. I wanna inspire someone who is lost and can’t see a way up, but when I’m around all they see is a hand reaching out for them with a helping hand.

 

Happily ever after…

I’ve been at a loss of words these past few days ever since I left home. I’m not sure it it’s because I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to write words down or what. But man has it been a busy few days. I’ve been on the go since the beginning of the month and it’s only going to get busier. 

It’s been really interesting dealing and interacting with different people these past couple weeks ever since I came further up north. I even found a wound on my arm that I have no idea where it came from and it means I ain’t got no time for the small stuff, or do I? Sometimes people over look the small little bruises on their legs and big wounds on their arms that hurts when you touch it. I remember why I got it now though, it was from playing frisbee and I got a little too aggressive with my best buddy and we got in the way of each other. It feels good to have wounds and bruises from stuff like that because it means I’m not just sitting around the house doing nothing and not adventuring or doing spontaneous stuff that will make my life more fun than it is. Either people sweat the small stuff that doesn’t matter or let go of the big stuff that does matter. I choose not to let the small stuff get to me, and let the big things in life and little things in life that are usually looked over that I choose to recognize. 

I was one of those people a few weeks ago that was just hating life and wasn’t seeing the point to it and wasn’t willing to do anything to take my own life but accepted whatever happened, happened, like I’d be okay if I died. Now… I’ve met people I don’t miss out on knowing and I’ve grown close with people I don’t want to live without. I love my life. And I am not one who says that just to take it lightly… I say that as someone who hasn’t been looking at life the best way that she could. She was actually hating it and didn’t want it to continue any longer just a few short months ago… I am am overcomer. I have taken control over those voices and thoughts in my head and have become truly and genuinely happy which has been on my bucket list. 

Life is too short so sweat the small stuff, and life is too short to forget the little things that make you happy. The devil has tried to stomp on me and my happy life, but guess who just got back up and is ready to fight for my life and my happiness? This girl. I’m definitely ready to win this fight, get ready to watch me win this war, ladies and gentlemen. I have determination like I’ve never had before and I am ready to fight. Now remember, love your friends, compliment someone, give someone you love a hug. Cherish the little things that make you happy and appreciate the big stuff that makes you happy. That’s all for today folks. I might be too busy trying to participate, until next time. 

I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me. – Unknown 

Now this may seem small to you but there’s a couple of photos that I absolutely adore and they’re taken by a couple of my favorite people… I am so genuinely happy in these pictures and they’re both captured in the moment. That doesn’t happen often for me, being happy in the moment. But one person in particular has inspired me to look at life in a different light by just being who they are. I am ever so grateful for this feeling and I strive to never let it go away.