Hurting To Help Somebody.

Regardless of what has been going on, I have been finding that God has truly been showing His love for me through other people. He has been showering me in love lately. And I cannot help but absolutely fall in love with my God. more and more every day He has been showing me how truly special I am, how truly special we all are. I’ve been finding more and more people that are so special and it all started with when one of my classmates had gotten into a fatal car accident and the results of the car, had shown me, that everyone in that vehicle in all reality, should’ve been dead. Life is way to precious to be a malicious person. To be a selfish person. To be a bitter person.

Today has shown me what I have been praying for other people, God has been showing what I have prayed for toward me too. I was talking to a close friend of mine today about how everything I have gone through and how awful I feel, I feel like the scum of the earth, God has been showing me otherwise, and as I was talking to her, I realized, that just as much as I want God to shower love all over the people I have specifically prayed for, I have been longing for that myself. My cup overflows at the thought that God thinks so highly of me, to send people I never thought I would have the chance to be close with and elevate me the way I never thought I would be elevated and even esteem me higher than I typically view myself.

A very good friend of mine had gotten me this cool canteen that changes colors as you turn it. Almost like an oil in a puddle of water kind of look, it’s actually exactly like that. This very dear friend of mine has been getting me one or two bouquet of roses each time the previous bouquet of roses have unfortunately died. And, she wrote me a letter, that as I am sitting at a coffee shop super upset, and it says this:

“Dear Mychie,

Don’t mind the ghetto way this is ripped. It did not want to leave my journal. Unfortunately, this is the last bouquet of roses that I will give you in our freshman year. I just wanted to do more than roses. You said you wanted a cup like this. So I took it upon myself to send to send you home with the “Magic Mug” from the Disneyland of drinks, Dutch Bros. You’re magic Mychie. You have the Holy Ghost flowing through your veins. I want this mug to represent that you are special. When the light hits you, your color changes, you radiate differently. Never let your difference be your detriment. Allow your your difference to be your drive to pursue ALL God has for you. Believe God for your future and allow yourself to see you, the way God sees you. You are magic. Not the bad (and, but the kind that makes dreams, reality.) YOU ARE SPECIAL! The Bible tells you not to think more highly of yourself than you ought. But you should think highly of yourself, because you are commanded to love others as you love yourself. You have permission to LOVE YOURSELF!! 

Sincerely,

World Changer.”

That letter has changed my view of myself. I am meant to change the world, and as someone who has thought so low of themselves for so many years, old habits die hard, and this one is hard to break. God has been placing so many people into my life to uplift me and help me realize that I am special, with just the way they speak to me and how they choose their words when they speak of me, to me.

We are all so special, and I don’t know why we fight that so hard. There was this one thing I had shared with my friend Angelina, and she said I should share my writings, and I think I will. We shall see. This was the quote that helped her… I hope it helps someone else again. That’s what I’m here for, to help.

“Stop apologizing. You don’t have to say sorry for how you laugh, how you dress, how you make your hair, how you do your makeup, how you speak. You don’t have to be sorry for being yourself. Do it fearlessly. It’s time to accept: this is you, and you gotta spend the rest of your life with you. So start loving your sarcasm, your awkwardness, your weird habits, your unique sense of humor, your voice, your talents, your everything. It will make your life so much easier.” – postivezone on IG

 

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It’s Not Frozen Yet

Have you ever had to take a step back, and evaluate who you are? What you are doing? How you are going to do it? Do you ever have to take a step back and evaluate who are or what you are? As a person? I have no idea what I’m doing. There were a lot of crazy things confirmed for me and my peace of mind, but, man. I was on the verge of letting go. I really was. I get in this mode where, nothing matters, my heart turns cold, I become very mean and nasty & I become cold-hearted, and that is not the Me anyone wants to see. I wasn’t sure why I was on the verge of letting go of everything, my genuineness, my kindness, my promises, everything.

But then… I realized, why should I let what other people do dictate what I do and my actions when it comes to their actions.

I was someone, who did not think anything of themselves. I didn’t think that I mattered. No, not in the pitiful way. Like the woe is me. I didn’t matter and that’s okay kind of thing. It was sad, yes. I also believed that I would never get married. Or have a family. Or have anyone in my life for that matter. I always have seen a lot of ugly in me, I have always thought very ugly of myself. I was never too sure why. I always saw the worst in me. And that is how I believed everyone saw me as well, if not worse at times. I deemed myself as not worthy of anyone’s time. Someone who would never fit in. One who would never find their place in the wretched world. I thought of myself as the epitome of rock bottom. The lowest of the low. The friends I have now, the very few ones I have, I would and have even felt I am unworthy to even be around them more than one occasion. I just couldn’t see who I was. What power I withhold within myself.

Not anymore.

I haven’t got quite there yet, but I’m done thinking like that. I am just done. I’m done being so, down and out. It’s not like I choose to always be like that. But it just happens. I never knew until Wednesday night. I have an epiphany.

Not very many people believe me when I say that I know I have a call on my life. I know I am worth more than I see myself. I am worth even more than how people see me. I am done letting what I think of myself get in my way an hinder my calling, and I am done letting what I might think of others or what others think of me hinder me and my calling.

I’m done.

And I’m ready to fight this battle.

 

Limited

My feelings are limited right now. Everything I have let go of, seems better to go back to. The kind of conversations I would have with people whom I thought would hurt me, didn’t do the hurting. It turned out to be me. Those who I thought would never hurt me have… It’s kind of like opposite day but it’s every day. I guess it’s obvious I’ve been hurt a lot. And yes that’s life. But that doesn’t make it easier. There are those who tell me it’s life, get over it. There are those who are frustrated that something “always has to be wrong” have you guys ever thought of how one grew up and the way they were raised? It seems as though a lot don’t have enough patience for those who have had a rough life. And those who have had a rough life, only care about either their opinions or what they want to say rather than how the other person is [ truly ] feeling… or how their words would affect someone. People are selfish. It seems as though it’d be easier to keep to yourself than waste your time and your hurt on those you thought you could trust.

I’m caught in the middle of knowing what it’s like to be hurt and cutting everyone out but also needing people [ now more than ever. ] Who stops to ask you when you’re walking across the parking lot to see if you’re okay? Or are they more worried about getting rejected or what’s going on in their lives.

I’m sorry for letting those go who promised they wouldn’t hurt me but I ended up hurting you. Eugene, Dale, Christian, Summer, Hanne, Jorge, Bob, I’m sure there are more, but those are the ones that came to mind. I won’t do that again.

As for those who say they’re there for me. Your actions speak louder than your words. Your words hurt me. I’ve told you already. I only ask you to be honest with me as well, if I do anything that hurts or harms you in any way, don’t be shy. Because I let you know too… a relationship and friendships are give and take. I’ve been doing a lot of giving. I try not to take; no… I’m not talking materialistically… I’m talking emotionally, mentally. I’ve even cut some of you out without you fully realizing and choosing to do nothing about it. Where are you? Where have you been? I’m at my limit. I’m close to the edge and you (all) can’t even see it because you’re so wrapped up in what you’re doing. I thought we were friends.

I’m hurt. I’m in pain. The only thing keeping me going is the HG. Those sent from God to lift me up too.

I’m slowly drifting away. I hope it’s not for good. Don’t be surprised if I leave…

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UDGJGSc_iLE

That’s when I realized what a true friend was.

Someone who would always love you-

the imperfect you, the confused you, the wrong you-

Because that is what people are supposed to do.

– r.j.l

I trust the ones who are always seeking to grow.

Sometimes all we need is someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel like we are cared for and supported.

Where There Is Growth, There Are Flowers.

It’s important to guard your heart. Because that will determine the course of your life.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of, distress lately. I’ve distanced myself from people I thought would be in my corner through the weird times and the bad times. Not only is it important for me to guard my heart with possible interests or people I might like more than a friend. But it’s also very vital that I guard my heart with my friends as well.

There was a time where I wanted and still want to be a better person. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a good person. I may try to be, but I am truly not. So I started praying that God grants me the fruits of the spirit. It’s a hard process but in order for me to be who I want to be who IN GOD. I have to learn to acquire those aspects to be an actual Christian… I’ve come to the realization that I have opened doors that I now cannot shut. With my friends. In some areas I’ve been really honest. But my approach may have seemed to just like call them out just to call them out. No. Those weren’t my intentions. When I do so, I truly believe that they need to work on they way they are in certain areas. But somehow, it seems they think they can just say whatever they want, I have not vocalized that to them, but that is due to the distancing myself… But, what I mentioned about the fruits of the Spirit, one of those is Joy, and if I would continue to be around certain people, that joy would cease to exist. Sometimes, God calls us to lay certain things down and our own beliefs and our own way of doing things, to be a true Christian we have to yearn for a clean heart. You can’t continue to have people getting upset with you, if you do, I know for me, I would want to make things right. I personally aspire to be a true pure Christian. Not only that, but it seems that a lot of my friendships have been one sided. I’ve voiced what I’m feeling, and nothing has been done. I have personally seen a spiritual and a natural growth going on. So I don’t feel I am wrong in this area. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But everyone thinks they’re right, don’t they? Lol that’s how human nature is. We’re selfish. We’re prideful. It’s definitely hard to admit when we’re wrong. Or have to apologize. Which I personally think is pitiful. It’s pathetic. Like I said, I want to be a better Christian. Humbling ourselves, looking for forgiveness. Rising above our current circumstances, meaning, constantly looking for change. We are made to change who we are. Life is a learning process. Learning, means leaving room for failure. We’re too prideful to admit that we’re wrong at times. Helllloooooo. If we were made perfect the world wouldn’t have troubles in the world. Disagreements, wars, fighting. Grief. There would be nothing to worry about if we were perfect.

When I look at a Christian, I look for certain aspects and characteristics one should have.

My question is to ask yourself, what can I do to be a better version of me?

To think you can love God without being changed by Him, is to think you can jump into the ocean and not get wet. To really love Him, you must understand that your life is going to be wrecked by Him, and built again into something beautiful, something lasting.

When you go through trials and tribulations, it is an opportunity for you to grow. – James 1:3.

 

Highly Favored

There have been quite a few things on my mind, again. There is a reoccurring theme with those around me. Here it is:

Why do we determine our matter of importance on other people?

There was a messaged preached yesterday during chapel that my college offers. You still matter to God. It does not matter where your family came from, where you came from, whoever did not want you. You still matter to God. It is time we realize who we are in God.

I was talking to a very good friend of mine, and they said something like it does not matter if someone thinks you matter or not. Did you not hear today’s message? They’re right. One thing that I have been letting affect me, is that, I let my worth reside in the sights of others. I’ve been pretty confused about something lately and it’s been awkward and now, I am being down on myself because, I have realized I let my self worth fall on other people. For instance, if it seems like I do not matter to them, then I will believe I do not matter. I find my worth in other people… That’s not right. I let people affect me so much. I don’t know why. When people tell me I’m amazing, I ask why. Why does it matter how I am? I never believe people when they tell me I am amazing. I just never do. Is it because the way I grew up? Believing and seeing nothing when I look in the mirror because I was not cared for all that much growing up? Why do we as people let other people affect who we are and how we determine ourselves? Just because something has not been working out for two days, I begin to question what is wrong with me and what my self worth is? Am I worth anything? Am I even good enough? I don’t know… That goes with everyone in my life.

But as I was walking across this long parking lot, I was starting to get a headache because I was thinking so much about my self worth and what was going on. Like; what did I ever do? Did I do anything wrong? What is wrong with me? I mean, something might be wrong with me, but until said otherwise, I gotta stop.

Every Step of the Way

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. A lot about my past. A lot about my past loves, a lot about my memories with them. But more than anything, a lot about myself.  I was actually looking at my own blog and reading the one with the title of “Chapter 21.” And it had me thinking, what if, God has been writing a Autobiography or something like narrating my life of (she who should not be named, me).

What would my first year of life be like? How would He be writing about me? Would He be writing:

“Chapter 1: She just took her first steps today. I know what her future holds, and that is one to many big steps she’s going to take. I cannot wait to see her grow up. My beautiful daughter I am always with you, every step of the way.” As one of my good friends would say, “that’s my baby girl.”

Chapter 5, she’s waking up for her first day of school. She is growing up so fast. These are her steps into taking the next journey in her life. I still see everything she is going to be in Me one day. I love her so much. It brings me great joy when I see her turn her life to Me one day. She’s so intelligent, she doesn’t even realize it. That’s my baby girl. I hope she feels me right next to her every step that she takes.”

“Chapter 10. I hope my baby girl knows how much I love her. She’s not doing too well in school, I just would hope that she knew that I was there right beside every step of the way. It breaks My heart that she thinks so low of herself and that she is not doing the best she could in life right now. I just want to tell her but now isn’t the time yet. I’m still with you, every step of the way, baby girl.”

“Chapter 15. I know exactly what she is doing. Even when she is walking late at night, all those bears and all those men who were seeking after her in the late hours of the night, I’m protecting her. I have had my hand in her life since the day I went on that Cross. I knew her before she was in the womb. I love you, my darling. Hang in there. Daddy is by your side every step of the way.”

“Chapter 16. Please don’t do this. I know life is tough. Especially yours. I am still here my darling. I have greater things planned for you than what you are thinking. I know you feel like you do not belong here on the earth that I created. I have made you to do great things in this life. I know you feel unworthy to live life with everyone, but I do not want you to go down that path. That is not the path I created you for, my dear. I love you. You are coming with Me very soon. You will be seeing every step that I have been with you. Just wait.”

“Chapter 20. Oh, my dear. Ever since the first step you took when you were 16, I was so  excited to see you take the first steps on our journey together that you can actually see. I created you for better things, My love. Since you are feeling very down on yourself, I will send you someone that will help you along the way. You need to fall in love with yourself, just as I have. Eugene will help you. Let him help you. I am with you every step of the way, do not forget that if this falls through, that I am with you every step of the way.”

“Chapter 21. Oh, my dear, love. You have come so far. You have learned so much in just one year. Now you have answered a call (you) never thought you would take. I know this hurts. I know it is causing you to be weary. But in your weakness I am made strong. I am living in you, therefore you have My strength living inside you. Rest upon that. I am so very proud of you. I will restore your virtue. So do not worry. I am still with you every step of the way. 

One thing that God has given me. Is He has showed me the times He has stepped into certain situations. Maybe not every situation yet. But a lot of them. As I was sitting here on a night where everyone was out having fun, I was spending a little bit of time with the Lord. I was sharing my hurt. I was sharing my pain. I was sharing my thoughts. I was sharing moments that I had cherished with Him tonight. Now I know why I was meant to stay here.

My future is in God’s hands. He has been with me every step of the way. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

not my will, but (His) be done.

A toast, to you. The one who helped me fall in love with myself again.

Dear, Flynn Ryder.

I hope you haven’t forgotten about me, at least the things you have done for me. I haven’t forgotten about you. That’s for sure.

Around this time last year, I didn’t want to live here on earth any longer. So I signed up for this thing called MeetMe. I was honestly just wanting people to talk to because of my loneliness and isolation. I stumbled across you on the secret admirers thing and I hearted you because I saw your smile and this adorable black German Shepherd you were holding. My philosophy is, if they like dogs and dogs like them, they’re a keeper. You had messaged me shortly after you guessed who your secret admirer was, and after I sent you friend request, you said “Hi, friend :)” That was the start to our journey to where ever it is that we ended up in the end before the end, if that makes any sense. From then on, we knew we were interested in each other. We began to flirt and you had begun to lift me up without me even realizing it. You have helped me in such a way that still affects me to this day. Around this time last year I was on the verge of going insane; maybe not literally, but I was close to losing myself, that’s for sure. You had began to help me see the good in myself. As someone who grew up looking at themselves in the mirror and seeing nothing, having someone as great as you were to me, be so good to me, helped me see the beauty in future potential spouses, and helped me see the beauty within me. The beauty that I do in fact hold. It wasn’t easy to think of myself in such a low way when you were in my life, and I am forever grateful. I remember this one time I was talking to you about my relationship with my sister and it wasn’t a good relationship with her at the time and I remember you sending me a message before you started your day, you sent me this picture, and it said “Stay away from people who make it feel like you’re hard to love.” And that was after only one or two weeks of talking, if I remember correctly. You had brought back to life something in me that I believed died a long time ago. I 100% believe that you were a God send and that I was supposed to have that embarrassing website to stumble across you. I don’t regret one minute ever speaking to you. In fact, everything we talked about, I was totally planning to do everything I said I was going to. I do not doubt for one second that everything people were telling me were true. I did want you in my life. I did. If I had it my way you would still be apart of my life. I wouldn’t even be here at bible college or in Alaska, I would be in Oregon, making things work out with you. The moral of me writing this, is I miss you. I appreciate you. And I am always praying for you. I want the best for you Flynn. You gave me the best, and I wish I could have done the same for you, but God has called me on a different path that we can’t share together. Maybe perhaps one day. One thing I realized, is I am still caught up on you, it’s been difficult to move on from the memories of you. I know to a lot it may have seemed like I moved on just fine, I may be fine, but I do miss you. That’s one thing I did absolutely not want to let go of. And the reason I am finally writing this (it’s the only way I know how to do so properly.) is because I found this picture that basically describes everything you said to me in one picture. It’s below in the quote section. I could have loved you, it was a potential love that I would have pursued if I had not given my life to God. I’m sorry if you hate me, resent me, are bitter toward me and never want to hear or speak of or to me ever again. Just know, you answered my “All Heroes Please Apply.” I am eternally grateful, and I could never repay you for what you have done for me.

All my love,

Rapunzel.

“Stop apologizing. You don’t have to say sorry for how you laugh, how you dress, how you make your hair, how you do your makeup, how you speak. You don’t have to be sorry for being yourself. Do it fearlessly. It’s time to accept: this is you, and you gotta spend the rest of your life with you. So start loving your sarcasm, your awkwardness, your weird habits, your unique sense of humor, your voice, your talents, your everything. It will make your life so much easier.” – postivezone on IG

Chapter 21.

Have you ever wondered about your existence? Like literally were caught in a moment after you said something and no one heard or perhaps it was your birthday and say it wasn’t made a big deal? Yeah. That’s been me these past few weeks.

Growing up, birthdays were never a big deal. For me. And I guess I didn’t realize what I wanted til I didn’t have it. It’s a weird feeling wanting to feel important but not knowing how to react to being treated like I am special and important.

There were a select few people that did help me feel special and I am forever grateful. Also. For my birthday, I got the closure I needed. So in what that was my birthday present. I talked to D’s mom and it gave me so much clarity. She gave me peace of mind, it was a really good conversation. I was not going crazy. I knew what was going on in the whole situation and I didn’t feel like I was the one who did everything wrong. We both did wrong and we need to learn from it. To be honest about our feelings and not run off our emotions.

On the other hand, I found out who my real friends are. My twin brought me to get coffee with her man who also wanted to celebrate my birthday along with A and R. A and R also brought me to Chick-Fil-A. Then that night Sammyedy Sam brought me to iHop with one of my greatest friends and we skipped curfew. Lol those people matter to me.

This was a week full of revelation and clarity.

I want to change my thoughts of who I am. I’m going to stop being so unsure of who I am. I’m going to leave room for mistakes and not be so hard on myself. Failure leaves room for learning. I’m going to lay my pride aside and learn to love learning. I’ve made mistakes. Sure. But I’m not going to stay stuck on them just because it hurts and I’m ashamed. I’m ready for a new chapter in life. I’ve lost many people in my life due to them leaving. I’m gonna be okay with that.

If you lose someone and find yourself, you’ve won.

One Sheep, Two Sheep. One Blessing, Many Blessings, Count Your Blessings.

Things have been quite interesting in my life lately.

But; 

Nevertheless!

GOD IS S T I L L GOOD. My God provides because today and great friend of mine sent money into my account without me asking at all. I was in AMAZEMENT!!! My bill is like $7,000 behind, but, if I put down like $1,000 I’ll be on track to stay here at college… I know God can do it. He will do it in Jesus name. I was shaking so bad when my friend sent that money. I was in complete shock! I still can’t get over it.

And even though I was just venting about everything, I still want to recognize that God is good. I still have many blessings. One thing I learned from D, was that he still counted his blessings even though it was a bad day. Or at least he showed me that I have a roof over my head, I have clothes on my back. I was pretty stubborn, so if I learned anything, it was to be less stubborn and to be nicer. I would also like to recognize that I love people so much now… When I came back to school, I forgot how much I love seeing everyone. God has been doing a TREMENDOUS work in my life and in me. I can’t wait to see what this year holds and what God has in store! I am so excited to see what God is going to do this year it keeps me up at night. Well… That too and coffee 😉 It is always important to remember the good things happening or the good things that have happened when we’re in bad times or hard troubled waters.

“You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. You’re human, you are not perfect. You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive. think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breath, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt, for we will never know what it is waiting for us just around the bend.”

“Your mind will always believe everything you tell it. Feed it faith. Feed it truth. Feed it with love. “

Glass Half Full Kinda Woman

Life has its many ups and downs. But I’ve come to the realization that you decide your own happiness. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’ve finally learned that. My man friend, or how ever you would like to put that, have put things on hold? I’m not really sure what’s going on there… but it feels like it’s over. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But in 2017 I had my my heart broken too many times. 2018, I choose not to walk around like my heart is broken. God has granted me a peace that passes all understanding. I’m happy. And with everything else going on… I might not be able to register for my classes… School starts Wednesday and I’m starting to wonder how everything is going to turn out. But besides everything that’s going on. I honestly should be freaking out, but I’m not. I’m choosing happiness. To better myself. To become what I need to become. I’m looking forward to the new year… I don’t have to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow worries about itself. 2018 is going to be a great year. Life is too short to expect a bad day or even a bad year. The glass is half full ladies and gentleman. And it’s tasting good. New year, better me. 

Dear self, 

This is going to be your year. So dust off your boots and let’s get started.

-all my love, 

Me.