Turning over a new leaf.

I’ve had a life changing journey that I took when I went up north this summer. My thoughts are different, my mind has changed and I no longer think the world would be better off without me. I have found that void that my heart was missing and it was the Jesus void. I found that Jesus wasn’t truly hidden in my heart, He wasn’t the center of my attention like the way it should be in my life. I have fallen in love with Him again and I have fallen back in love with my life again. I’ve also fell in love with all those people around me. People have taught me so much, like fruits of the spirit, living life in the moment, and how to be a good friend. I cannot express how much I love my life, friends family and Jesus.

You guys… I’m finally happy.

Screwing thugs up since 1997

Why is it that us as humans cannot control our feelings? I’m like seriously annoyed with myself that I have generated feelings that can and potentially have messed things up. I’m being mentally beaten down again and I just don’t know if I can handle it. I’m exhausted and I’ve been overthinking lately and I just want to be flat out completely honest with this person but I can’t. I was advised not to. I find it so dumb that I can’t control how I feel about someone. If I didn’t have feelings whatsoever, everything would be fine. It’d be perfect go jolly. I’m honestly just thinking about turning my feelings off and just going with the flow. But I have found that determination in me yet. I hope I find it soon because it’s making all these things so complicated. My best friend is weired out & now I feel like she doesn’t wanna be around me and I can’t chill with my new bro because of it. Lord Jesus have mercy on me. I need to learn to just focus on God right now and nothing else. You know what, that’s what I’m gonna do is switch those feelings off or not even think about from now on. So we’re good, we’re Gucci.

Aspiring to inspire

Remember how I was saying that I was so unhappy and that I needed to get away from home? Well I’m happier now. I’ve met great new people and I’ve grown closer with those I would never have guessed. Back in the month of January, I was battling depression and thoughts of suicide. I’ve had two important people tell me that they’ve watched me go from hurt to seeing such a beautiful change in me and they knew or I had told them I was hurting… I don’t feel the need to look to anyone for attention now. Attention is nice, I mean what girl/woman doesn’t like getting attention? But I do not long for that anymore. I’ve been so happy, nothing is going to change that. Maybe a few things here and there, but God is going to restore that peace and joy that I need. I’ve recently come to realize that not everyone is gonna have your back about what you want in life, or certain feelings you have they might not support that was one or the things that has hurt the passed couple days, but I’m not gonna let it hold me back. I’ve recently just got out of this thing that is called Youth Camp and Family Camp. Its where my church organization comes together throughout AK gather for special services. It was completely life changing. I got exactly what I needed from there. I was hurting before. I needed comfort and peace in my mind. I was battling day in and day out about whatever the devil was throwing at me. I was doing that all by myself which wasn’t healthy. I didn’t have God in that equation. Which left room for the devil to keep creeping into my head. I was also feeling really insecure about a certain someone wasn’t talking to me and it wasn’t really starting to get to me. Now I’ve just learned to let things go. They’re going through some heavy personal stuff and I needed to learn that it’s nothing personal. Just that I can do what I can do to be there. Be an ear to listen. I love how much I’ve grown and how far I’ve come in just a few short weeks. All for the better. I aspire to be all that I can for God and I can only take on step at a time.
Micah 6:7 rejoice not against oh mine enemy, for when I fall I shall arise.
When I fall, I’m going to get back up.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future”

Perhaps this is the moment for which you were made. Esther 4:14

I aspire to be the woman that a man is praying for. I aspire to be what God has called me to be. I aspire to be that good friend that’s always there when they’re needed. I aspire to be someone anyone can turn to and rely on. I aspire to be that young lady all the elders compliment on her manners & anointing God has given her. I want g the devil go know who I am and want to run me off this earth. I ain’t stopping till I am all these things. I wanna inspire someone who is lost and can’t see a way up, but when I’m around all they see is a hand reaching out for them with a helping hand.

 

Happily ever after…

I’ve been at a loss of words these past few days ever since I left home. I’m not sure it it’s because I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to write words down or what. But man has it been a busy few days. I’ve been on the go since the beginning of the month and it’s only going to get busier. 

It’s been really interesting dealing and interacting with different people these past couple weeks ever since I came further up north. I even found a wound on my arm that I have no idea where it came from and it means I ain’t got no time for the small stuff, or do I? Sometimes people over look the small little bruises on their legs and big wounds on their arms that hurts when you touch it. I remember why I got it now though, it was from playing frisbee and I got a little too aggressive with my best buddy and we got in the way of each other. It feels good to have wounds and bruises from stuff like that because it means I’m not just sitting around the house doing nothing and not adventuring or doing spontaneous stuff that will make my life more fun than it is. Either people sweat the small stuff that doesn’t matter or let go of the big stuff that does matter. I choose not to let the small stuff get to me, and let the big things in life and little things in life that are usually looked over that I choose to recognize. 

I was one of those people a few weeks ago that was just hating life and wasn’t seeing the point to it and wasn’t willing to do anything to take my own life but accepted whatever happened, happened, like I’d be okay if I died. Now… I’ve met people I don’t miss out on knowing and I’ve grown close with people I don’t want to live without. I love my life. And I am not one who says that just to take it lightly… I say that as someone who hasn’t been looking at life the best way that she could. She was actually hating it and didn’t want it to continue any longer just a few short months ago… I am am overcomer. I have taken control over those voices and thoughts in my head and have become truly and genuinely happy which has been on my bucket list. 

Life is too short so sweat the small stuff, and life is too short to forget the little things that make you happy. The devil has tried to stomp on me and my happy life, but guess who just got back up and is ready to fight for my life and my happiness? This girl. I’m definitely ready to win this fight, get ready to watch me win this war, ladies and gentlemen. I have determination like I’ve never had before and I am ready to fight. Now remember, love your friends, compliment someone, give someone you love a hug. Cherish the little things that make you happy and appreciate the big stuff that makes you happy. That’s all for today folks. I might be too busy trying to participate, until next time. 

I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me. – Unknown 

Now this may seem small to you but there’s a couple of photos that I absolutely adore and they’re taken by a couple of my favorite people… I am so genuinely happy in these pictures and they’re both captured in the moment. That doesn’t happen often for me, being happy in the moment. But one person in particular has inspired me to look at life in a different light by just being who they are. I am ever so grateful for this feeling and I strive to never let it go away.

Lost on Confusion avenue. 

Have you ever found yourself in the zone listening to your music, imagining what your life would be like if it were about that one specific song? And you catch yourself smiling like the guy you want to marry makes your heart and stomach flutter? As I was riding on the airplane yesterday, I was listening to my Spotify playlist called “Love” and all the songs playing I couldn’t help but catch myself in those moments where I was imagining scenarios from the songs that were playing… have you ever heard of that saying “It’s a blessing and a curse to feel everything, oh so deeply”
I started crying because, man. Do I feel something good happening inside me, but it scares the heck outta me to feel something like this. I guess I’m scared because every time I’ve confronted this feeling or whatever it is, I have been turned away, and turned down. Yes, no one likes rejection, but when it happens more often than normal… You start to think that it might be your fault, and your problem. You’re just not good enough. You’re not what they’re looking for, or they have found someone perfect better. You wouldn’t think I would be that type of person to be so insecure when it comes to that. But yet, here I am. So as I was crying I started praying that it would happen, that every scenario would come true. How amazing would that be? I can’t even… I get so excited, then those insecurities come back creeping in on your joy. It’s hard not to listen to them when the person you’re thinking of, doesn’t show the same kind of affection as you do. Or at least you think. As a woman, I tend to overthink things. That’s normal, but what is it about woman that we’re so insecure and we need validation. Is it a sign of weakness? I personally feel like it is. I could be wrong. As long as I can remember, I wanted to be needy, but haven’t wanted to seem needy. Y’all get me? I’m at a crossroads where, should I follow through with those feelings? The feeling of my heart fluttering along with my stomach. I can definitely understand why men say woman are so indecisive. We really are, like I want to be needy but I also don’t want to feel like I need validation from this person who makes me feel so special. He’s really helped me feel worthy again. For the longest time, I’ve felt unworthy, unlovable, unlike able even.

Now I’ve realized I don’t need that validation though, because it has always been in me the whole time.

I’m figuring out a lot about myself these past couple of months.

First, my attitude needs to change, like yesterday… It’s been making it uneasy to be around some people because they can’t handle my attitude and it’s been making me feel like I am not a good person to be around and in fact a difficult person to be around. I don’t want to be known as someone who some people just cannot tolerate because of how nasty my attitude is. Which I am basically already there.

Second, I am one of the most needy people I’ve ever met especially with people that I like and care for so much. Not necessarily in a romantic way, but even with my best friends. It’s honestly a little pathetic and I have definitely got to take a step back or find someone who feels the same way, romantically or platonic. Whichever comes first.

Third, some things about my personality… I feel like it’s too easy for me to be able to drop someone so easily, if they’ve done me wrong in a huge way, that’s it. You’re done. And I can move on like there’s no tomorrow which makes me a little uneasy, and especially want to watch my patience on my end because what if it is something that I’ll regret getting mad over? What will I do then if I want to go back and apologize for overreacting and they want absolutely do not want anything to do with me. I would feel silly and embarrassed that I was so quick to just turn around and walk away.

Fourth, it scares me that I can be so trusting and so involved in someone whom I don’t know completely. It scares me but at the same time it’s kind of exciting. It’s never been like this before and it has had me really vulnerable lately which isn’t a good feeling for me. I’ve never been one to show vulnerability and look like I need help and attention. It’s very different for me. This feeling and everything, it’s almost like I crave that feeling now. It’s like if I don’t have it, I gotta have it type of thing. To be honest this is new territory for me and I hope and pray that they are patient with me. I would honestly be crushed if it turned out that all of this was some sort of joke and everything. This is all just some sort of confusing and unknown territory for me. I’m not sure what to do or where to go.

Life is all about a learning process and I feel like I’m still in school because of the learning part. With all the relationships (romantic & platonic) I feel like I put in more effort than I should and it’s making me feel like a needy person and that I need to back off. Which would not be a bad idea if we’re being honest.

All Heroes Please Apply… Again.

Ladies and gentleman, I’m feeling a whole lot better than I was yesterday and a few days ago. I seriously am doing better, I’m not 100% better, but who really is after a few days? I am accepting that not everyone likes me and that I do in fact need to change my attitude. So that’s where I’m at. I’m accepting that God needs to change me and has been changing me through a very long and a very hard process. I ultimately just need positive vibes, and prayers y’all. Mine and my sisters relationship is awful right now and it’s tearing me apart. I honestly feel like it’s all my fault. I hate it because I cannot change who I am over night, and I feel as though she’s expecting me to change as fast as she has apparently. I genuinely see that she doesn’t like me. I feel bad, and I wish I could change my attitude but I cannot, not over night at least. I’ve been praying, praying, praying about this situation for a long time and I need God to intercede at this point, I no longer have control over this. I wish and I hope and pray that one day we can get along and just put up with each other and just deal with the fact that we are family and we will have to deal with each other and just get over the stuff we don’t like about each other. I feel like an awful person because of this and maybe I am. I just want this all to die down because it’s been a long 11 months with our relationship being so awful.

This has got to change and it will change. I’m sick of feeling like this and it’s got to stop! I’ve had enough. It’ll get better from here on out. It has to.

I do not like who I am…

A lot of things have been coming up about the fact that I can in fact be a rude person.

My sister’s boyfriend/man whatever I don’t even care, he came to visit recently, and my little cousin was “bragging” about the fact that she’s the favorite out of the family, she is his favorite. Which is fine, I don’t care about that part, I care about him thinking he knows me completely and judging me based on my attitude. I had said to my lil cousin that I said “I don’t think he likes me” and she said “why?” and I said it probably has to do with my attitude and she said “Yeah I know he told me” -_- awesome. He has only known me for a minute, and judging me based off a week? HA. Well okay. Another thing, I bet my sister J has told him about the times we’ve gotten into arguments and I’m sure she’s blind to what she’s done to me as well. That’s not the point, but it’s kind of important, because I feel like if she knew every thing going on in my head, what I think, what I feel, she’d think differently of me. I got treated horribly while growing up. I am the youngest out of the sisters I grew up with and usually the youngest is the most spoiled, most paid attention too… But… Not in my house growing up. I always had to accommodate to them. It was always about what they wanted and needed. I was always brushed aside. That part, I don’t really mind. But the part that bothers me the most is how I was treated. Please… Spare me the “well they aren’t the same, you can’t hold that against them” if you haven’t been in this type of situation, spare me that argument please. I was always, always told I was the annoying little sister and that I should just go away… Now once, twice, fine… Brat. Continuously? It mentally messes with your head and you’re always cautious about what you need to say or what you need to do next to make sure you can continue to talk to them without feeling like you’re a nuisance and that everyone would be better off without me. I was honestly like wondering what happened to my sister J today to see if anything in particular was annoying her because her vibes sucked to be honest I didn’t want to be around her because her attitude was real. “Yes I’m fine” the way it was worded, I don’t think so. “You can have an attitude every other day but when I do, it’s not okay…” Uhm, no, if I’m having an attitude call me out on it. I don’t care. I’ll check myself, and try and knock it off. You see… Every time someone is UPSET in my family, THAT’S when the truth comes out. Never when they’re thinking about it without any emotions, just thinking about what’s bothering them. If they’re having a bad day, don’t piss them off because then they’ll either tell you, you have a bad attitude (which has already been eating at me for basically my whole life…) OR the fact that I’m a lazy bum who just sits at home all day. Or, the fact that (they haven’t been communicating to me AT ALL about what they feel like I need to do) they get upset about asking for my trust fund money and say I should’ve had a job so I can “spend my own damn money.” Now please, I know I need a job and I have not been under any circumstances thought I am entitled to living off of my other sister R and my mom… I just have been scared because my last experience… I’m bothered by a few things…

ONE: The truth has only been coming out only when they are having a bad day or a bad attitude and you catch them at a bad time, BAM. They don’t like you because of this… Coming out of the blue. Basically slapping you in the face with their feelings.

TWO: I’m bothered by the fact that I’m nervous about my feelings towards them. At this point, the way I’ve been treated lately… I would be fine if I didn’t see them or talk to them again. I love them, I’ll keep praying for them, hope they do well and stay well, but I don’t need people in my life who make me feel like I am crap and who won’t talk to me about what bothers them until they have a bad moment. I sound heartless, careless, but ya know what, after having such a big heart and wanting and needing my family’s approval on myself and being treated horribly and also treating them horribly not gonna lie, but my attitude is solely based off of how I was treated, and I am trying to change that. Don’t think I am okay with this feeling because I absolutely hate this feeling… I’m just looking out for myself. If they can’t handle my attitude and my setbacks, it’s time for me to go to keep the peace.

THREE: The fact that I hate myself as it is, but to have my family and my family’s people think the same thing about myself as I think of myself… SUCKS… I am basically am back to where I started on how I feel about myself and I’m ready to get out of here. I feel hopeless and I feel horrible. Flynn has been wanting me to go see him and I’m going to go see him if we’re still on good terms in the fall, because I unfortunately have a busy summer and can’t go this summer. If all works out, screw it… I’m leaving and moving there. I’ll be okay leaving everything behind except my other cousin and her baby, my niece, and my cat. My cousin with the baby; she’s literally the only person that loves me for me and doesn’t care about my attitude and just deals with me and I appreciate her so much for that. She doesn’t say anything that makes me feel bad about myself, doesn’t make me question if I like myself and probably withholds information she hears about me that people say about my attitude, that she knows would break my heart and still loves me.

Treat your family with respect, appreciate them & let them know you appreciate them. Be honest with your family even if it will or would be awkward for you. Who cares? Clear the air. Don’t let clouds hang around you and your family just because of one small issue that can be solved over an awkward conversation. I’m ready to “re” start my life and meet new people, find new friends and meet Flynn, to be honest I wasn’t ready to take on life until I met him, he kind of just brings it out of me. I’m ready for a new state of mind. I’m ready for a new job. I’m ready for new feelings and new memories and new experiences. I’m ready for a new state, a new town and a new city. I’m ready to start my life and start living how I want to live it. I’m done with all of this crap and ready for new beginnings.

I’m just ready.

Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves. – Henry David Thoreau

Dear past, Thank you for your lessons. Dear Future, I’m ready. Dear God, Thank you for another chance.

Assumptions are bogus…

I had a learning experience today, I ain’t going into detail because I’m embarrassed. Basically I assumed something and I was proven wrong. Which I’m glad I’m wrong, but I was honestly was just looking out for myself and making sure that this person and I were on the same page. SO, on that note, if you’re one who makes assumptions… DON’T. Ask out of curiosity, or just say “Hey clear this up for me.”

I also had a rough encounter with my mom as well. Yes, you guessed it… It has to do with the fact that I don’t have a job. There’s no excuse… I’ve just been scared that the last job I had would be similar to my new experience at another one. At my last job, almost every day I was thrown under the bus by a coworker who had it out for me. They did not like me and they let me know it. I mistakenly fed that nasty spirit and it bit both of us in the butt. I’ve been nervous about the fact that there might be another person at a new job. That’s why. I had an interesting night… God is still good, and I hope y’all had a good night.