Beginning to wonder if I should move on, or stay put and continue to stay in this place.
There’s someone who is very dear to my heart. We’ve been fasting from each other and I’m not sure if this fast should continue. I talked with my roommate last night and she warned me that if I don’t feel the same thing he feels, I need to get out. Right now, I feel the fast isn’t necessary anymore. If it’s just him feeling it’s necessary then so be it. I’ve been feeling an emptiness growing inside me and it’s been a distraction.
I liked him. I believe I still do. But in order for me to continue my walk with God, I can’t have something confusing in my life and this is all sorts of confusion. He may even read this and this is the first time I’ve admitted to anyone more than those who have approached me about him. So if you’re reading this, I’m sorry I didn’t have the nerve to tell you and you probably already knew. There it is.
We got way too deep way too fast. Our time was mostly invested in each other and our alone time with God was taken away by each other. I understand that…. but I don’t want to be left in the dark anymore. I don’t know where he’s at in all of this. I don’t know if he feels the same way. I personally don’t feel good enough to be with anyone really and he’s amazing. He deserves the best and I’m not sure I’m it. At least not yet. I would never jump into anything either, don’t get me wrong… he’s young, I’m young as well. I’d be no where ready for anywhere close for a relationship either. Feelings happen. It’s natural. But I have to let God intervene and if we’re meant to stay friends we’ll make it back to that. If we’re meant to be more, we’ll make our way back to each other. I need to let go and I need to let God take care of this.
I miss him. He makes me laugh. He helps me push myself to be the best I can be. He inspires me. But if we’re both going to get in each others way in our walk with God because we’re too invested in each other. It has to go. If I could say one last thing to him, I’d say this…
“I love you. I care for you. I adore you and I’m always praying for you. Don’t ever stop. Keep doing what you’re doing. Stay in this. Don’t go withering away on me. I’m always here and you take care of yourself. I don’t ever want you to jeopardize your walk for me. You keep loving God more than anything else. Thank you for making me laugh, thank you for making me feel something real again and seeing the beauty in humanity again and thank you for being you and taking time in your life to help me and help me be happy again and thank you for all the deep talks we had. You are truly one of a kind and I miss our friendship. I miss you and I will keep praying for the FOR the best.”