I know how to depend on God. That is what I have been doing. My home is finding rest in God. He has taught me so much this semester. The one thing is His praise will continually be on my lips. No matter what I go through God will sustain me. I may talk to people about what I’m going through but that’s so they can help me in prayer and agree with me in prayer about whatever it is I’m going through. You can’t teach people anything. That’s one thing I have learned. I know what I need to do and I am doing that. I have found someone that is truly a good friend. She made me pull myself together. There’s nothing wrong with needing friends. I have not had a lot in my life, I now know that I have had God working in my life ever since my first memory. Even before that. But it is not bad to confide in friends. He has showed me throughout this semester that He is never going to leave me. As long as I keep His commandments and things that are pleasing in His eyes, He will give me the extra blessings. To be honest, the blessings aren’t what I want. I couldn’t care less about the blessings. I just want God. People will leave me. People will forsake me. People have forsaken me and have persecuted me and taken advantage of my time. My home is found in the peace of God that passes all understanding. And that is all I need. That is all I will ever need. Nothing more and certainly nothing less. I cannot wait to see how deep I get with God. The devil is gonna be in the pit watching me climb out while he looks at the hole he dug himself. In the midst of all this darkness, I will always have light.
She confidently Trusts the LORD to take care of her
“My dearest Macky,
As a kid, I always knew I could become anything I wanted to become, as long as I put my mind to it. When my senior year of high school came around, I was still undecided as to which career I should pursue. I prayed and prayed, yet God said nothing. So by default I went to secular college. I started course pursuing one field of study, but then later switched to another. No matter what I did, I felt lost. I felt as if I was rushing… To get no where. All the while I felt as if I NEEDED to be at Bible College. Well fast forward to NAYC, where I made up my mind, that no matter what, I’m going to Bible College. I finally get to CLC, and still, I feel as if my purpose was murky, and I began to question my ministry. I began to doubt, and kinda worry that God wasn’t listening to me. ALL I wanted to know is my purpose. And when I finally came to terms with my life… you stepped in. I was cautious cause of my past, but then God showed me that you were the one. God led you into my life, and I thank him for it every day. My responsibilities are to my future family. To lead and guide you. To protect you. To provide for you. So I was right, I can be anything I want to be as long as I put my mind to it. And I want to be a loving husband, who can support my family, and cover them spiritually. My purpose has never been more clear! I miss you my love. God is gonna do great things with us.
I miss you.
As of late, I’ve been pretty preoccupied. I’m at a loss of words for how amazing this person has been in my life. God has been doing a H U G E work in my life. He’s been doing operation after operation and my recovery, God did not waste any time going in and operating again. No matter how much of a brat I am. No matter how harsh I can be without purposefully trying to be… a v e r y special someone has stuck by my side and loves me for who I am. The way he looks at me is something I cannot even begin to explain. I’ve let my wall completely down with this one. My ways are starting to change, not by force, but by choice. I’m T H E most stubborn person I know… I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep him in my life. I know it sounds crazy and we only met a few months ago, but, I truly do love him. God has been healing me through him and I am okay with that. It’s like God is letting him break down my walls without me noticing and God is directing him on how to rebuild those walls. The walls have windows now and the light is shining through. I’m growing and I don’t want to stop growing… He is my future. My future is looking pretty good.
I am eternally grateful.
(The quote shows that the way he looks at me and the way I feel)
Because of you I can feel myself slowly but surely becoming the me I have always dreamed of being. – Tyler Knott Gregson
It’s important to cherish the time you have with people. I guess I never truly realized that I seriously cherish people’s time. It matters a lot to me when the people I care about, spend time with me. Not just on their terms either. I’ve come to realize a lot of people are truly selfish. Especially their time with me.
I never take advantage of the time I have with people. And I only ask that they do the same…
I guess the only thing I can keep doing is keep cherishing the time I do have with people…
But I really don’t want to. I feel like I’m putting all my energy into people that don’t cherish my time.
I’ve given a lot of myself away. Many of which was to the wrong people. Yeah, sure, we live and we learn, but you can only give out so much of yourself where, there is nothing left of you to even give. There comes to a point where you have to learn that not everyone deserves to have those pieces of you. They might be a good person but just not a person you give your all to. It’s very important to pick and choose whom you spend your time with and who you give yourself to. Not physically. No, that’s not what I’m talking about. Emotionally. It’s important to guard yourself. I believe God has sent someone to mend all of that.
There’s something about having someone who adores you. Someone who admires you more than you think you’re worth. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I am worth more than I feel. Someone has been showing me that recently. That’s okay right? Being a child of God, I shouldn’t be walking around feeling worthless, it says to walk boldly… There is someone in particular that I’d say adores me, and it’s truly been showing lately and I’ve noticed that I’ve been walking with more confidence. The real me is starting to show. They’ve helped me so much, without even truly realizing how much they have helped me. There’s something different about when someone motivates you to be a better person. It’s like you want to please them so much that something inside you just starts changing and you want nothing more than to please them. God has really been shining through in this whole thing which gives me Peace Of Mind, and a lot of it. Which is good because my mind is never at peace. That is, until now. I thank God literally, for this person. I’d honestly be lost in my own mind if it had not been for this person. I’ve been finding myself thanking God a lot more than usual because of them. There’s one thing that came to my mind while writing this; you know how they say “you never know what you have till it’s gone?” This time… I never knew what I was missing until I finally had it. I cannot adequately explain what’s going on, nor can I say what’s going to happen except God’s will. I can say what I hope will happen. I’m praying for the best, and definitely hoping for the best. I cannot wait to grow with this person. I’m going to be honest, I have never liked thinking about the future because I never thought I would have one… But now, I can’t wait for the future and what God has in store.
She saved the best of her,
for a heart that understood the worst of her.
There was something that my mother always taught me while growing up. Never judge a book by its cover. I believe that’s very important when trying to reach a soul or even trying to reach out to someone period. I think that’s why I always have the benefit of the doubt with certain people. Other people might be like “Oh be careful of them” or something out of assumption and ask what I’m doing. That’s why some people ask what I’m doing, and I just say “There’s something beyond what we see. There’s something behind the way they act sometimes. There’s potential there. Or they just don’t want to give people a side of them because not everyone deserves to see that.” Or something super deep. Now, I’m not perfect so there are some that I don’t give the time of day because, well, I want to try and keep my fruits of the spirit so, lets just leave it at that. Now it’s not anyone in specific. But that’s why I always look beyond how they act in a group setting. The scriptures says and what I’ve written in my posts before, in 2 Samuel 16:7 says: “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or the on the height of his stature: because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.” I want to see beyond what other people judge. Some people walk around like they’re important, other people might look at that as “Holier than thou” or “higher than the average” but I choose to recognize and look beyond the cover. That’s why I like taking time out of my day to get past that cover and read the pages. In other words I like getting passed what people judge by only what they see, not by what they know. I don’t like seeing things how man sees things, I want to see things as the Lord sees them. That I believe is a very important process in getting to know people. Beyond the act, beyond the walk that they walk, beyond the talk that they talk. Beyond everything. There’s their stage name, and there’s their real name.
Do something today that your future self will thank you for.
First of all, I know not very many of the people in my life will see this, but I want to apologize for those who saw the old me. God has been dealing with me in certain areas in my life that needs to be changed in myself in order for me to become perfect in my ministry with Him. Today and this whole week actually has really been showing me that I am going through that process of eliminating things that I need to change about myself.
With that quote, I know I need to change somethings about me in order to better myself. I’m focusing on that in order to change those my future self will definitely thank me for. I find myself having a lot of attitude where it’s not necessary. There have been instances where I know I need to watch what I say. I can’t call myself a Christian or Christ like if I’m going around crushing peoples spirits with my words. There’s a scripture that says in Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” I can choose to speak life or death into people’s lives… I am going to work on speaking life. I’m so thankful that I have recognized this in myself so I can prepare for my future. My future ministry, my future husband, my future family, my future church family and my future self. The devil has been trying to steal my joy for awhile and I’m taking it back. God is restoring my joy. I’m honestly really happy right now and I hope it stays this way.
I’m going to start bettering myself. In order for my reputation to proceed what people think, I need to start bettering myself. I’m going to start taking care of my body, drinking more water, going on more walks, working out perhaps, doing hair treatments, washing my face more and continue to eat healthy. Mentally I’m going to start taking care of myself, like, reciting verses that builds me up so I can stop thinking so low of myself. Spiritually I’m going to keep letting God be first in every aspect of my life. Being humbled recently has really taught on the way I treat people and since that has changed dramatically already, I’m hoping that I stop thinking so low of myself… It’s harder than it seems and is way easier said than done. I hate my attitude and it affects the other people around me. And for that, I’m going to start bettering myself and work on my image.
There’s one scripture that comes to mind about all of this is 2 Samuel 16:7 says: “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or the on the height of his stature: because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.” When God sees my heart… What does He see? I’m going to be honest, I think right now or at least yesterday, He would’ve seen not such pretty stuff. I’m really reflecting on my self-image and it needs to change. Right now, where I’m at, people deserve better. And I’m going to change that.
I’m working on myself for myself.
There are many things that I can list that I don’t like about myself. There’s one thing that God has shown me that He wants to change… My attitude. God knows me best and the easiest way to work on that with me, let’s be honest. It’s through a guy. I was seriously humbled last night and it didn’t feel good at all. I’m one to usually get what they want but in this case, God said otherwise. I’m taking this in more graciously than in thought I would but I’m definitely going to isolate myself and curl up in my cocoon when I’m not in the prayer room… God’s doing a work in me. I hope the process is quick and I pray I have an open spirit about it and I accept everything I need to change in myself to become who I need to be.
When you’ve done something wrong, admit it. No one in history has ever choked to death on swallowing their pride.
I’ve been dealing with a lot. God has been bringing me back to certain things that I don’t really want to think about, but in order for my thickheaded skull to get what God is trying to show me, I need to go back to them. I wouldn’t say I don’t like going through them because God shows me where He was which was right beside me, I just needed to be brought back through those past pains to see that. A few people have been noticing I’ve been upset lately and some of the times when I got upset were taken wrong and given an assumption. I admire that this person confronted me about that but I don’t think everything that wanted to be shared was shared. I’ve heard one thing, one minute it seems they care, the next, I’m being told everything is being read into. One thing to know about me is that I don’t play games. I may unintentionally play with your emotions which I’m trying to work on, but I don’t say one thing and do another when it comes to these things. I think there needs to be a little more honesty in this whole thing. There’s some underlying stuff that’s wanting to be said, but it’s not being said but trying to be said? Which doesn’t make any sense. It’s just a little too confusing for me. I’m not sure what’s going on but this person needs to get to the bottom of it. Not me. I’m kind of at that point where I want the truth but I ain’t gonna be honest.
Befriend the man who is brutally honest, for honesty is the highest form of respect.
– Daniel Saint
There’s an old Chinese saying I believe talks about how when clay is broken they use gold to seal the cracks and to be molded back together… Isn’t that the same for us as a human? When we are broken with life situations but we get back up doesn’t it makes us that much stronger? Well… If not, we better start thinking that way…
I was honestly terrified of getting hurt again but God has been dealing with me in that area. I almost feel some sort of freedom from that feeling of being terrified. God has been showing me that even if I do get hurt, He will never leave my side. Even if I do risk the chance of putting myself out there again and getting hurt, God is going to be there when I’m hurting. I’ve been broken many of times, even when it was my fault. God has assured me that when or if it happens again… He is going to be there when I fall. Though I might lay my bed down in hell, He will be right there beside me. Therefore, I’m so done being scared. I don’t want to miss out on the chance of seeing something so beautiful because of my fears of being hurt or getting hurt again… I don’t want to push anyone away or out of my life because I’m scared they might leave. That’s not a way to live life. This world is temporary and so are people, but God is forever and He will sustain me, I need to keep that in mind. If I let fear stop me, wouldn’t that steal my joy? I’m honestly ready for anything that God has in store for me. Even if I do get hurt, it won’t matter in the end cause I’ll get back up. God will shape me the way I need to be molded. I have found that I am being broken to be molded and I want to embrace that journey.
Hey, also as I was typing this out and fixing it up, I was listening to this song and it is perfect for what I’m talking about in this post. Check it out! I actually attend the same college as the girl who made the song. Hope you like it 🙂
In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.
A place where you either find yourself, or lose yourself.
Some people go there to escape pressures of their regular every day life and find yourself. Some people live there and begin to get into the wrong things and learn the hard way that life isn’t all about a walk in the park.
Interestingly enough, I was both. I had a pretty rough upbringing, so therefore where I was from, I hated my life and hated everything about it and everything in it. I lost myself there, and I forgot what is was like on the outside of my little island I called home. I was so wrapped up in how awful I thought my life was that I forgot there was a real world out there. Sometimes people just need to get over themselves and I was one of those people. Life has a lot to offer, and I forgot about that when I was back home. So I went to another part of Alaska to escape my home for awhile and try to find myself again. I was blessed enough to have actually found myself. Even though I was in the same state, I was in a completely different universe and I fell back in love with my life again. Even though I was in such a bad state of mind, I chose to see the beauty of things and people. I think that was because I went further up north with such an open spirit, that it helped me see things in a different way. I’ve done some stupid things in my life and I lived in a very small town and I was trying for the best to change, but people can be very unforgiving… They made me look like a joke for finding my purpose in life and they held everything I did against me. I felt like I couldn’t move on. When I went up north, no one knew what I did, they didn’t know what I’ve done because they didn’t know me, they only saw the new me. Which I think really helped me find myself again. That’s why I love what the scripture says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 There for if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
That’s saying once you commit your life to God, and follow what the scripture says, you are a new person, it doesn’t mean you change your name or anything but it means everything you’ve done wrong, it’s all forgiven.