A lot of things have been coming up about the fact that I can in fact be a rude person.
My sister’s boyfriend/man whatever I don’t even care, he came to visit recently, and my little cousin was “bragging” about the fact that she’s the favorite out of the family, she is his favorite. Which is fine, I don’t care about that part, I care about him thinking he knows me completely and judging me based on my attitude. I had said to my lil cousin that I said “I don’t think he likes me” and she said “why?” and I said it probably has to do with my attitude and she said “Yeah I know he told me” -_- awesome. He has only known me for a minute, and judging me based off a week? HA. Well okay. Another thing, I bet my sister J has told him about the times we’ve gotten into arguments and I’m sure she’s blind to what she’s done to me as well. That’s not the point, but it’s kind of important, because I feel like if she knew every thing going on in my head, what I think, what I feel, she’d think differently of me. I got treated horribly while growing up. I am the youngest out of the sisters I grew up with and usually the youngest is the most spoiled, most paid attention too… But… Not in my house growing up. I always had to accommodate to them. It was always about what they wanted and needed. I was always brushed aside. That part, I don’t really mind. But the part that bothers me the most is how I was treated. Please… Spare me the “well they aren’t the same, you can’t hold that against them” if you haven’t been in this type of situation, spare me that argument please. I was always, always told I was the annoying little sister and that I should just go away… Now once, twice, fine… Brat. Continuously? It mentally messes with your head and you’re always cautious about what you need to say or what you need to do next to make sure you can continue to talk to them without feeling like you’re a nuisance and that everyone would be better off without me. I was honestly like wondering what happened to my sister J today to see if anything in particular was annoying her because her vibes sucked to be honest I didn’t want to be around her because her attitude was real. “Yes I’m fine” the way it was worded, I don’t think so. “You can have an attitude every other day but when I do, it’s not okay…” Uhm, no, if I’m having an attitude call me out on it. I don’t care. I’ll check myself, and try and knock it off. You see… Every time someone is UPSET in my family, THAT’S when the truth comes out. Never when they’re thinking about it without any emotions, just thinking about what’s bothering them. If they’re having a bad day, don’t piss them off because then they’ll either tell you, you have a bad attitude (which has already been eating at me for basically my whole life…) OR the fact that I’m a lazy bum who just sits at home all day. Or, the fact that (they haven’t been communicating to me AT ALL about what they feel like I need to do) they get upset about asking for my trust fund money and say I should’ve had a job so I can “spend my own damn money.” Now please, I know I need a job and I have not been under any circumstances thought I am entitled to living off of my other sister R and my mom… I just have been scared because my last experience… I’m bothered by a few things…
ONE: The truth has only been coming out only when they are having a bad day or a bad attitude and you catch them at a bad time, BAM. They don’t like you because of this… Coming out of the blue. Basically slapping you in the face with their feelings.
TWO: I’m bothered by the fact that I’m nervous about my feelings towards them. At this point, the way I’ve been treated lately… I would be fine if I didn’t see them or talk to them again. I love them, I’ll keep praying for them, hope they do well and stay well, but I don’t need people in my life who make me feel like I am crap and who won’t talk to me about what bothers them until they have a bad moment. I sound heartless, careless, but ya know what, after having such a big heart and wanting and needing my family’s approval on myself and being treated horribly and also treating them horribly not gonna lie, but my attitude is solely based off of how I was treated, and I am trying to change that. Don’t think I am okay with this feeling because I absolutely hate this feeling… I’m just looking out for myself. If they can’t handle my attitude and my setbacks, it’s time for me to go to keep the peace.
THREE: The fact that I hate myself as it is, but to have my family and my family’s people think the same thing about myself as I think of myself… SUCKS… I am basically am back to where I started on how I feel about myself and I’m ready to get out of here. I feel hopeless and I feel horrible. Flynn has been wanting me to go see him and I’m going to go see him if we’re still on good terms in the fall, because I unfortunately have a busy summer and can’t go this summer. If all works out, screw it… I’m leaving and moving there. I’ll be okay leaving everything behind except my other cousin and her baby, my niece, and my cat. My cousin with the baby; she’s literally the only person that loves me for me and doesn’t care about my attitude and just deals with me and I appreciate her so much for that. She doesn’t say anything that makes me feel bad about myself, doesn’t make me question if I like myself and probably withholds information she hears about me that people say about my attitude, that she knows would break my heart and still loves me.
Treat your family with respect, appreciate them & let them know you appreciate them. Be honest with your family even if it will or would be awkward for you. Who cares? Clear the air. Don’t let clouds hang around you and your family just because of one small issue that can be solved over an awkward conversation. I’m ready to “re” start my life and meet new people, find new friends and meet Flynn, to be honest I wasn’t ready to take on life until I met him, he kind of just brings it out of me. I’m ready for a new state of mind. I’m ready for a new job. I’m ready for new feelings and new memories and new experiences. I’m ready for a new state, a new town and a new city. I’m ready to start my life and start living how I want to live it. I’m done with all of this crap and ready for new beginnings.
I’m just ready.
Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves. – Henry David Thoreau
Dear past, Thank you for your lessons. Dear Future, I’m ready. Dear God, Thank you for another chance.