Have you ever had to take a step back, and evaluate who you are? What you are doing? How you are going to do it? Do you ever have to take a step back and evaluate who are or what you are? As a person? I have no idea what I’m doing. There were a lot of crazy things confirmed for me and my peace of mind, but, man. I was on the verge of letting go. I really was. I get in this mode where, nothing matters, my heart turns cold, I become very mean and nasty & I become cold-hearted, and that is not the Me anyone wants to see. I wasn’t sure why I was on the verge of letting go of everything, my genuineness, my kindness, my promises, everything.
But then… I realized, why should I let what other people do dictate what I do and my actions when it comes to their actions.
I was someone, who did not think anything of themselves. I didn’t think that I mattered. No, not in the pitiful way. Like the woe is me. I didn’t matter and that’s okay kind of thing. It was sad, yes. I also believed that I would never get married. Or have a family. Or have anyone in my life for that matter. I always have seen a lot of ugly in me, I have always thought very ugly of myself. I was never too sure why. I always saw the worst in me. And that is how I believed everyone saw me as well, if not worse at times. I deemed myself as not worthy of anyone’s time. Someone who would never fit in. One who would never find their place in the wretched world. I thought of myself as the epitome of rock bottom. The lowest of the low. The friends I have now, the very few ones I have, I would and have even felt I am unworthy to even be around them more than one occasion. I just couldn’t see who I was. What power I withhold within myself.
I haven’t got quite there yet, but I’m done thinking like that. I am just done. I’m done being so, down and out. It’s not like I choose to always be like that. But it just happens. I never knew until Wednesday night. I have an epiphany.
Not very many people believe me when I say that I know I have a call on my life. I know I am worth more than I see myself. I am worth even more than how people see me. I am done letting what I think of myself get in my way an hinder my calling, and I am done letting what I might think of others or what others think of me hinder me and my calling.
And I’m ready to fight this battle.