Kindred spirits blooming separately.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I thought I might have been interested in so many different people. Trying to figure out if they can speak to my soul like you once did. I took a hike today, and was thinking of how much we used to speak to each other. I was thinking of how, every single conversation we had, there was something new and completely eye opening and I couldn’t live life the way i did before because my spirit was bothered. It was uncomfortable. But… in the absolute best way possible.

On our drive back, I looked out to see the creation that God made. The different lengths of the trees. The different colors they are and it’s something I’d talk to you about.

You craved to be around me before you even knew me. You said that as soon as you saw me, you knew I was hurting but I was still trying my best to be happy, and no one has ever identified me like that before. And that’s what made me beautiful. You read my soul before I even told you about what goes on with it.

I first actually met you when your spirit was kindred and I knew God wanted a special relationship with you. And throughout our friendship, your spirit blossomed in the healthiest way possible. Were best friends. But you knew you had to let me go for some time. And I respect and understand that. I am who I am today because of you and I am so grateful. I grew even more so in God. I grew as a person. My soul aches for you now. But I’m willing to wait. I’ll miss you terribly until then.

There was this one picture I saw and it inspired me because you’ve been on my mind all the beginning of my summer til now. It said this:

I hope you find someone who speaks your language so you don’t have to spend a lifetime translating your spirit.


Un-captive Mind

I think it’s very interesting that people pretend to know you. They think they know everything about you. Someone who has been held captive in their mind, a lot of people like thinking they can hold my mind captive too.

They think they’ve known all those lonely nights where you felt your worst and most unworthy. They think they know all the pain you’ve felt. They think they know you just because they have spent %0.05 of your life with you. but the only thing you always forget, they can’t say they do. They don’t know about all those nights you spent by yourself, contemplating life and dreading life the next day. They don’t know all those times where you felt your heart fall into a thousand pieces. They were not there when you felt like all hope was lost and you were uncontrollably crying. They haven’t been there when you had your greatest victory. They haven’t been there when you were handed that diploma after many nights of you crying and believing you couldn’t do it. They weren’t there when you got the Holy Ghost. They weren’t there when you were baptized in Jesus name. They weren’t there when you lost your cousin and it hurt like hell. They weren’t there when you travel out of state for the first time. They weren’t there when you felt lost and were finally finding yourself. They weren’t there when you spent the best weekend of your life by yourself. They weren’t there when you were craving for something more in life. They weren’t there when you were crying to that one silly movie that somehow changed your life. They weren’t there when you were up at 4 o’clock in the morning wondering if the sun was ever going to come up. They weren’t there when you fell in love at first sight. They weren’t there when you got this incredible inspiration to write a book and have three chapters in it because you had your heart ripped out and you had way too much coffee and you watched a romantic movie to remember what you DIDN’T miss. They weren’t there when you had to put your dog down, and they certainly weren’t there when your best friend died. They weren’t there when you spent that time with your dad on the ferry when your dad decided to surprise your sisters. They weren’t there when you gained 60 pounds and they certainly weren’t there when you threw up after doing insanity and lost at least 80 pounds. They weren’t there when you told your first lie and they won’t be there when you tell your last. They weren’t there when you fell out of love for the first time and they won’t be there when you fall in love for the last time. You have control over who knows you and who doesn’t.

Stop giving so much power to everyone else.

We’re Just A Sad Love Song Baby.

It’s easy to blame everyone else for our own personal problems. one thing I’ve been really trying to look over what I’ve been doing these past few well, 9 years. 9 years, I have spent all this time trying to search for something to replace something.

How can you be willing to admit to move mountains for someone that won’t even reply to your text about them inviting you to their game?

Last year I was so close. So close.

I met someone. I fell in love. He was the one I wanted. He helped me fall in love with myself. He helped me see me how I needed to be seen. And more. it was the first person I craved to be around since the one this writing is about. I craved his presence and to be around him all the time. But, for some reason, I let him go. This whole time I thought I was craving him, it wasn’t him after all, he just helped me see who I am.

I’ve recently found out that, this person didn’t want to be with me last year because I was so sure of myself and confident, but what he doesn’t know, I was an insecure girl just putting on a heck of a good show.

If people don’t want you to see the real them. They can put on the most believable act, and you won’t have any idea who they really are, because you wouldn’t know. You wouldn’t even think twice about it because they put on their very filtered best, so you won’t see the ugly, messed up side of them. The side of them that would cry themselves to sleep just to feel better in the morning. Crying relieves stress. I personally believe you don’t, it eats you alive, then crying over spilled milk, isn’t just crying over spilled milk. The thing about ice burgs, is, we all know this, you don’t see the bottom part of the ice burg. You only see the surface. Kind of like the process of making a cake, the icing on the cake is all you see, but you don’t see how much flour it took, or sugar, or vanilla or eggs, or brown sugar. You just see the icing on the cake. In other words, they very best part of them. I don’t believe I have to look messed up in order to be with someone, but I’m not perfect, by no means. I just wish you weren’t so mysterious. Inviting me one day, ignoring me the next, then saying your phone is being dumb. I can handle honesty. I don’t get why guys think they’re into me because I’m so tough, but don’t think I can handle honesty? I’ll never understand. Regardless, I’ve always wanted him. From his eyelashes, to The Hunger Games, to him being with an awful person that made him crippled with fear to ever be in a relationship, to ignoring him for a solid year and a half. I just don’t know anymore.

8 Letters, 3 Words

One hero, please apply. Again…
Feel Again
It’s been a long time coming since I’ve seen your face
I’ve been everywhere and back trying to replace
Everything that I’ve had till my feet went numb
Praying like a fool that’s been on the run
Heart still beating but it’s not working
It’s like a million dollar phone that you just can’t ring
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
Yeah, my heart is numb
But with you, I feel again
Yeah with you, I can feel again, yeah
I’m feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that’s the old me
It’s been a long time coming since I’ve seen your face
I’ve been everywhere and back trying to replace
Everything that I broke till my feet went numb
Praying like a fool who just shot a gun
Heart still beating but it’s not working
It’s like a hundred thousand voices that just can’t sing
I reached out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh my heart is numb
But with you, I feel again
And with you, I can feel again
But with you (I’m feeling better since you know me)
I feel again (I was a lonely soul but that’s the old me)
Yeah with you (I’m feeling better since you know me)
I can feel again (I was a lonely soul)
Woo hoo (Woo hoo)
I’m feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that’s the old me
A little wiser now from what you showed me
Yeah, I feel again, feel again woo hoo.


One thing I have come to the epiphany of;

I’ve been trying to run from my feelings for almost a year now. I’m up late once again and I found these old screenshots. There’s two people in my life I keep going back to. This one I’ve been in denial about.

Not that he’ll even see this, but. I miss you. I honestly wish I never gave you up last June. If you see this, you’ll know who you are.

I’m sorry.


Stay away from people who make it feel like you’re hard to love

Love Always, Charlie.

So, I used to take a class in High School, it was Creative Writing. And I found this writing assignment. It was inspired by the book and movie called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was so it might sound kind of familiar if you’ve watched or read the movie or book. I want to add onto this! This was so much fun to create it inspired me to want to write a novel or finish creating my old one. We’ll see. Oh and I had showed this to my aunt, and she thought the one writing the letter was a girl, but it’s a dude. Keep that in mind. I guess this is some sort of an imagination for me for someone to be in love with me like this. Charlie. Is. A. Dude. CHARLIE. IS. A. DUDE. And just to catch you up to speed, each separate one is a letter to a fake friend from the DUDE Charlie. So here it is:

December 26th, 2014

Dear Friend,

Something happened a long time ago, and I’m writing to you because she said you would understand, and you would listen, and I hope you would read this and not thing that I am just dumping all of this on you; I just need to vent. Please, I hope you understand.

She was six Sitting there mad at her mother because her mom wouldn’t let her outside to sled in the snow with her best friend. It was cold, with her knees buried in the snow, as she was already all dressed up to go play outside I guess her mom didn’t let her daughter go outside because her daughter did not tell her that her best friend’s older sister was outside watching him, the little girl can’t remember much but she remembers him holding her head shaking it calling out for his mom and his best friend (her). One thing she also remembered was seeing her father come up to her the driveway so quickly… She did not know why, but she was so happy to see him, he was crying, but she wasn’t crying, because she didn’t understand what had happened to make him cry so hard, or at least that’s what they all thought. That she didn’t understand, that they thought maybe might never forget when she realized, but what they didn’t get, she did realize. They thought maybe that she might lash out and rebel, but she did not seem to mind; she was happy all the time. I don’t think everyone understood that she does remember what happened. She was young, but she knew what happened, she was just happy to be alive. No one really understood how she wasn’t just a mes, throwing little tantrums like they thought she should have been. I guess because she was exposed to a lot, and she was more intelligent than people thought. Especially at such a young age.

That happened eleven years ago today. It is 1 am. Its makes me sad, because she is my best friend and she called me around 1:15 am. I was awake, and I was very concerned about her, she wasn’t okay from the time she called, to about 3:15 am. I was surprised she didn’t call her boyfriend, but she told me she doesn’t feel like she can talk to him. He was the new kid. The way they met, it was my birthday and she was frantically searching for the present, then she remembered, she had left my present in the office because she always spends time in the morning so she can relax before school starts. As she was running out of the classroom, she ran straight into Bryan. I remember because that day in class I wrote about him in our “writing time” in our Creative writing class.  “There’s a new kid, he was actually in my English class. How did I notice him? Well , my best friend was running out of the class because she forgot to get my present that she left in the office, and she just so happened to literally run into him as he was walking in. His name is Bryan. I don’t like him. Something inside me just sees something wrong with him. People call this jealous, but I call it protective, let’s just say that they hit it off… It ended up with her giggling like a little girl because she didn’t know what else to do. I don’t think I can stress this enough, that this bothers the fire out of me. I don’t get why this bothers me so much. It’s just, she’s my best friend, I shouldn’t be feelings this way, my best friend is happy. The only good thing about Bryan moving here, is that he has a sister, her name is Savannah. She seems much nicer than her brother. Although that I haven’t really met her or him yet, she seems nicer. Maybe him moving here isn’t all that bad, I guess. Anyways, my best friend hasn’t stopped talking about how “cute” Bryan is. I really hope if things work out with her and Bryan that he is actually good to her and that she can be happy with someone else too, not just her best friend. She deserves the best.”

Love always,


December 31, 2014

Dear Friend,

It’s New Years Eve and I don’t really feel like doing anything else other than going to church. It’s the day where we eat a piece of bread to remember what God had done for us, almost as eating His “flesh” and we drink the blood of Christ, in substitute of blood we actually drink grape juice. It’s really great time with my church family, because I feel like I finally belong somewhere. Everybody is so giving except my great-uncle Maxie’s Grouch but everybody loves him anyways. He’s there every service unless he’s very sick and everybody is so loving to it makes everything so much easier.

With my best friend being so sad that her cousin had passed about a month ago, and it is around the same time that her best friend died when we were six. But I’m not really sure what happened with her cousin, but all I know is, it was tragic and she can’t get out of her rut. It is all just really sad, especially with her cousin Hanne, at least they got to leave town and go to Washington to stay with her stepdad’s brother and his wife. She gets to spend time with her cousin Michael, which is technically my best friends’ cousin by marriage, but he is pretty funny and his laugh can make anyone smile. I’m glad she gets timtime away from this town, away from everyone who reminds her of what happened to her brother. It’ll be good for her and her family. I really hope that because of that my best friend starts cheering up, she deserves to be happy.

Love Always,



January 6th, 2015

Dear Friend,

Today was the first day back at school. So if I haven’t told you, I’m a senior in high school. Anyways my English teacher Miss Ask is teaching this class is Creative Writing. I also want to thank you for letting me send the last letter. I’m not sure if you read it or are even receiving these letters but I just need to know that there is someone out there who cares. I also need a friend. I don’t have very many, and I really hope you are receiving these letters in reading them. You don’t have to write letters back coma in fact you can’t send any back because I don’t want you to figure out who I am. You don’t need to do that. Well I still have the English assignment I have to get back to you, I have to write five different genres for one essay. It is due this Friday oh well no not really because you don’t have school on Friday and that makes me very happy, anyways, I missed all last week before winter break,Because I have that stupid viral infection and it sucked at least I was better before the holidays. I was also having very bad migraine. but anyways I should seriously get back to my assignment. I hope you have a great week because you really deserve it you really did.

P.S. I wrote this poem for this English class and I’ll send it to you because I’m very proud of it. It is not actually the same one I turned in, but this is one this one is better that I turned into Ms. Ask. I’m actually not even sure what I got on it as a grade on the plain poem. It’s just a plain and simple poem, but I will send a poem separately because it deserves a different envelope the poem is about that cousin to my best friend that I was talking about my last letter and I really hope you enjoy this poem because I know I do it every time I read it, actually I lied it’s not even mine it’s the one my best friend real about her cousin and I want to share her work with someone other than me, I hope you enjoy it.

Love Always,


That is what we celebrate.

A life so wondrous and graceful.

         Celebrating all The camping, fishing and hunting.

The good times with His friends,

  the bad times that hE made it through,

and the best times with his family

Celebrating the joy he didn’t know he Brought.

                                      Celebrating thE hits and blows of what his mother didn’t know                                   

                                 The candy he shAred,

                            What little he had, bUt did not care.

                                 He would share The good, and only the good.

                       He would be seen walkIng everywhere,

          All you would see is the tall “BigFoot”

    now, we don’t see him anywhere, bUt possibly

        in our dreams, maybe in our loveLy memories;

Oh the memories he did share.

                         We celebrate the liFe that he shared

                We enjoyed the peacefuL presence that he had

We celebrate that he took to the shOoting range that one last time.

                                                      We had two ceremonies;

      One, for the peace of mind, onE to mend the broken heart.

                The first one was a funeRal

                                           But o, the Second one;

                                              It was a Celebration!

     It seems as if he was a beautiful flOwer;

                               A beautiful flower That had just bloomed

                                     They say that The good die young

                                               They saY not to pick beautiful flowers,

because they will die earlier than their time

God just so happened to pluck him sooner.


His family calls him beautiful.

The ladies called him Scotty the hottie

The guys called him Bigfoot.

His family knew his heart

The girls knew his features.

the guy knew his heart & his features.

We celebrate the glorious flower that he was.

Oh, what a beautiful addition to God’s bouquet.

It is true, the good die young.

But why should it be sad?

A life so wondrous and graceful

That is what we celebrate,

The Beautiful Flower.

January 8th, 2015

Dear Friend,

I am going to pretend that this is my diary, because well, it’s fun to switch things up sometimes. I don’t want it to be awkward just having this short sentence so I will continue to type this unnecessary sentence. I also hope you’re having a good day today, and I hope you enjoy this diary entry, because I wanted to try something different other than just a typed letter.

“Dear Diary,

I don’t know what I’m actually supposed to do in or do with a diary, so I will just write how my day is going.

I woke up feeling pretty good This morning, because I have been writing letters to this person. I will call them my friend because well I feel like I can.  So I will. I actually ended up sending them this poem about my best friend’s cousin that she actually had broke. That my best friend wrote, I wonder what my friend thought of the poem I hope they liked it about my best friend she’s a girl and she’s been really sad lately. That’s kind of why I wrote the poem, to cheer her up I was actually pretty good friends with her cousin that had passed away so it was easy for me to write a poem about him.  I wonder what my friend thought of the poem. Anyways, about my best friend, she’s a girl obviously, she’s been really down lately, that’s kind of why I wrote the poem, to help her. I showed her after school where we usually just sat and looked at the lake and watched life pass by. When I showed her, she cried, and she hugged me. I wasn’t sure what else to do other than to hug her back. The odd part was, it felt right, it was really nice, actually. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside which is weird because guys aren’t one to usually admit that.  I even had butterflies , is what they call it I guess. They were all playing tag, in my stomach. Anyways, I’m not really sure why I was feeling that way, or maybe I’m acting naive. She’s my best friend . Is it weird that I am feeling this way? Anyways, my Creative Writing assignment is going pretty well, oh wait, just kidding, that’s my friend I told, not my diary. I better get back to it, because it is due first thing Monday. I have two more genres to write. It is 8 pm and I don’t really want to work on it right now, I’m in the middle of this book called “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky. It’s not an English assignment either. I just really like the movie that I had to read it. I hope it takes me awhile to read it, I’m still in the first chapter, not literally in the middle of the book but I am reading it. I watched the movie and I can really relate to it. Especially since my name is Charlie. Anyways, I haven’t talked to my best friend today and I really hope she is doing okay, I really hope she’ll call before I fall asleep . I love talking to her.

Love Always,


January 13, 2015

Dear Friend,

I turned in my creative writing assignment, I’m not really sure what I got on it, but I hope I got a good grade. I saw my best friend today, we walked home together, well I guess I actually walked her home, I live a couple of miles away. But that was okay. She wasn’t doing so well the day I didn’t get to talk to her. She had a lot of issues at home and she was missing her other best friend, and also her cousin. I don’t think she realizes that it is okay to be sad, and it is definitely okay to have a shoulder to cry on. I told her that she can always come to me when she’s upset. She said thank you and same to me. I really hope she’s doing okay tonight. It hurts to see her hurting. I think our walk may have helped her. I hope it did, because she deserves to be happy, and I am glad if I am apart of her happiness. I also don’t know what to do about those millions of butterflies I get when I am with my best friend. I can’t stop thinking about how much my poem touched her. and I cannot stop thinking about how I felt, actually that feeling hasn’t gone away, and I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I really enjoy being around her, even though those butterflies really get into tag when I’m with her. Anyways, I hope you had a good day today. You deserve it. I am now in the middle of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I read this poem that was in it. It made me cry. It was about his best friend Michael showing him and Michael didn’t know who it was by, nor did Charlie. It’s really sad, and it is such a powerful poem. Someone in the book named Bob said he heard it before, and he said it was some kids suicide note. Charlie didn’t know if he liked the ending of that poem, neither did I. It reminded me of my best friend. I don’t believe that she would kill herself, at least I don’t think. I just want her to know that someone cares. Just like me, writing to you. I want her to know that I care. Just like I want to know that you care. After I read that poem, I could not stop crying. It was weird. It scared me that it reminded me of my best friend. It really did. I don’t know. I’m just glad she’s in my life. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. I know it may seem weird that I am writing to you even though I have my best friend. I just don’t have anyone else to talk to but her. And now, thanks to you, I have you to talk to about her. I still have one or two more genres to write about, and I think I found the fourth one. I was watching Friends the other day. And I want my group to be like that. Maybe I’ll meet you one day. And you can also meet my best friend one day too. And we’ll end up like the cast of Friends. Lets just say I hope I’m Ross and I hope my best friend ends up being Rachel.  Anyways, there was this other assignment in my English class I did recently and Friends is where I got the inspiration from. We had to write a scene or a “dialogue”. I really enjoyed writing it. It was kind of a rewrite of this one episode, of course the episode in the show is better, but I hope you like it, because I am also printing it out and sending it to you.


Love always,


The One with All the Secrets

(Joey, Chandler, and Monica are all hanging out in Monica’s and Rachel’s apartment. It’s around 5 o’clock in New York City and they are all eating dinner that Monica had prepared, although she is just waiting on Ross, Phoebe and Rachel to get to the apartment from the coffee house. While Monica, Joey, and Chandler are waiting, they begin to talk.)

MONICA: So, so you guys, while we’re waiting. What do you guys want to talk about? (Saying this as if she needs to get something off her chest)

CHANDLER: Like what? (Seeming uninterested)

JOEY: (Stuffing his mouth full of food, then he begins to talk, then food falls out of his mouth and it falls on the floor) Yeah, Monica, like what?

CHANDLER: (He says this with a sarcastic voice) Joe. That’s just so very attractive. Please stuff more food in your mouth.

JOEY: (Looks ashamed and finishes chewing his food) Okay, there, (To Chandler) you happy now?

MONICA: I AM! (Raising her hand)

JOEY: (Glares at Monica) Jeez! You do one thing wrong, and everyone is all uptight and mean.

CHANDLER: C’mon Joe, we were kidding. It’s fine. Just please (Putting his hand on Joey’s hand) don’t do that again, it’s just gross.

MONICA: I wasn’t kidding. Joey that was disgusting, it was like looking at a dogs vomit. I almost threw up.

CHANDLER: (Slowly turns around to Monica, with wide-eyes and says to her) Mon, shut up. I almost had him. He’s having a rough day. Leave him alone.

CHANDLER: Yeah, (Looking back at Joey, saying to Joey) See you’re fine.

JOEY: (Starting to smile saying this to Monica) Okay yeah Mon. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to get stuff on your floor.

MONICA: It’s okay Joey. (Looking for that food that fell under the table) But-but you still didn’t clean it up. Joey! You still didn’t clean it up. Joey, (trying to contain her anger) please clean, that, up.

JOEY: (Looking at the ground then at Monica, saying this to Monica) Oh sorry Mon, let me get that for ya. (He picks it up with his and then puts the food back into his mouth)

(Chandler and Monica just watched the whole thing happen, and they get wide-eyed and their jaws drop, they look horrified by what just happened)

CHANDLER: (He stands up fast and points and repeatedly points as he’s saying this) WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!

JOEY: WHAT? WHAT? (Looking at both Monica and Chandler with his arms out wide, looking terribly confused) Oh, Oh, I see. (He goes to wipe up the mustard and mayo off of the floor then simply, licks his hand)

CHANDLER & MONICA: JOEY!! (They are both trying to comprehend what they had just seen)

(The scene changes to Phoebe, Rachel and Ross in the coffee house. They are sitting on their usual couch just simply talking)

RACHEL: Hey, I think I’m getting a pimple on my chin. Can you guys notice it? (Asking Ross and Phoebe)

ROSS: (Just glances really quickly answering Rachel’s question) No, no. You can barely see it.

PHOEBE: (Saying this to Rachel) Here, here let me see. (She looks) Oh my, gosh! That thing is huge!

RACHEL: What? (She says with a sad voice then turns to Ross glaring at him) You said you could barely see it. You know what, the next time you ask if something looks stupid, I’m going to lie to you and say it looks fine. Well, that’ll probably be every day because you looks stupid every day. (She laughs)

ROSS: (Saying this to Rachel) Hey, I only said that because I didn’t want you to feel bad.

RACHEL: (Saying this to Ross) Oh-oh you didn’t want me to feel bad? I’d rather you tell me the truth than lying to me you-you (trying to call him something but she cannot think of anything, finally she says) you big liar!

ROSS: (Getting up and grabbing his coat all frustrated about to leave the coffee house, he begins to walk away but he turns around quickly and points at Rachel saying) and I do not look stupid every day! (He stomps out of the coffee house)

PHOEBE: Well, (Pauses) I think that went very well. (She says nodding her head)

RACHEL: Phoebe? (She pauses) Did you want that to happen?

PHOEBE: Huh! (Puts her hand on her chest) I cannot believe you would think that I would do something like that! But yeah, I planned that.

RACHEL: Phoebe! I can’t believe you just did that.

PHOEBE: I thought it would be funny, you and Ross get into a fight there’s all this bickering, I thought it would spice things up, makes life interesting.

RACHEL: No, I meant did you lie about my pimple, is it really that big, or were you joking? (She says as she touches her pimple)

PHOEBE: Oh no, Ross lied, I was telling the truth. That thing is HUGE. (She says as she’s picking up her coffee to drink it like what she said was nothing)

RACHEL: Uh! I cannot believe you! (She says as she’s the one grabbing her coat and scarf)

PHOEBE: Oh no Rachel! I was kidding! (Rachel stops in her tracks, but then Phoebe stops to think about it, and then she says) Oh who am I kidding? That thing has its own galaxy orbiting around it.

MONICA: (Looks at Joey) Okay, yeah Joey, its fine, I-I-I’m sorry. I was just being clean and annoying. (Looking ashamed)

(Rachel stomps out of the coffee house and all you see is Phoebe grabbing her things and following Rachel. Monica, Chandler and Joey were at Monica’s apartment and now adding, Ross, Rachel and Phoebe. There are two arguments going on and then it leads to none other than bickering)

MONICA: Oh good you guys are all here. You would not believe what Joey just did.

JOEY: AY, AY! (He says as he’s standing up fairly quickly whilst pointing at Monica)

MONICA: (She grabs her other arm, acting like she isn’t going to say what Joey had just done) JOEY JUST PICKED UP AND ATE HIS FOOD THAT FELL OUT OF HIS MOUTH!

JOEY: (Joey looks at everyone then looking back at Monica) Monica had sex with Chandler!

(Everyone crowds around Monica and Chandler)

ROSS: (To Chandler, as he gets uncomfortably close to Chandler) you had sex with my sister?!

CHANDLER: I-I-I-I-I (He gets beat red and he starts to shake nervously)

MONICA: Ross, Ross (She says pulling him away from Chandler) I’m a big girl now; I can sleep with who I want to. Even if it is your best friend (She says uncomfortably)

JOEY: (To Chandler) I’m sorry man, I panicked and I didn’t know any other secrets about Monica.


(Everyone then turns to Joey out of shock they all crowd around him)



(They all crowd around Chandler now)


PHOEBE: (She laughs, then she pulls herself together, because she knew she was the only who knew about that secret)

CHANDLER: (He walks towards Phoebe from the living room to behind the back of the couch) you were the only one that knew about that! How could you tell Joey! Joey can’t keep a secret when he gets mad at that person!

PHOEBE: I know, I know and I’m sorry, but that was so worth it. (She continues to laugh)


(Everyone quickly crowds around Phoebe now)

MONICA & RACHEL: PHOEBE. (Sounding concerned) Are you serious?

PHOEBE: SECRET AFFAIR. (She says to Chandler)

PHOEBE: (To take all the focus off of her) RACHEL’S NOSE IF FAKE.

MONICA: Phoebe, I already knew that. So did Ross. (She pauses) Did you forget that I grew up with Rachel?

PHOEBE: I know, I know I panicked. (She says as she sits down onto the couch covering her face)   I didn’t know what else to say.

MONICA: If you wanted to leak something of Rachel’s, you should’ve just asked me. (She suddenly starts to yell) because when we were in high school, I caught Rachel behind the bleachers having sex with Matt Gibbon after the Homecoming game!

RACHEL: (She takes a step in from where she was with wide bulging eyes) Monica! I cannot believe you just told everyone that. (She puts her hand on her hip) well, I’m glad you said that because (her voice starts to raise) I watched Monica eat a whole chocolate cake and then a double sized cheesecake in twenty minutes!

MONICA: (Her arms are dangling and she has wide bulging eyes now with everyone crowding her now) Rachel had sex with Tad on the balcony outside! And that’s her underwear on that telephone wire!

(Everyone quickly surrounds Rachel)

****** (And this scene ends with the curtains closing and the lights fading out, this is to be continued)


January 24, 2015

Dear Friend,

I guess I sent you that scene I wrote because I just wish that one day, my “squad” is what we call it, I want my “squad” to be like Friends, one day. School has been going alright. I don’t really know what else to talk about. I actually finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I cried. I’m not really sure why I cried. All I know is that Charlie is not a sad story. In Creative Writing, we did something so fun. It was called a Quickfire day. We had to write about whatever topic Ms. Ask gave us. One was like broadcast of a new movie coming out and another one was about taking song lyrics in and incorporating them in your little short story and there were much more that Ms. Ask had us do there was one particular one was where we had to write about something or someone in the room. I think that one was my favorite because my best friend is in that class. And it was really easy to talk about her. Maybe because I know a lot about her, and because she’s my best friend.

I actually don’t even know if I’m her best friend, but I know that she is mine.  

Someone or something in this room

She’s quiet; you barely notice she’s here. You can’t really tell, but she seems down all the time, but she hides it very well. She’s independent and always has her headphones in, unless you can’t have them in when the teacher is talking. When you get near her, you can hear her music blaring in her ear, now yours as well. Maybe she needs someone in her life to bring her out of that turtle shell, or maybe she would just like someone there to just be there. Who knows, everyone has their own ways of dealing with something or someone or maybe that is just who she is. I will not mention her name, but maybe her silence is just who she is. It almost seems like you can’t get to her unless she lets you. Luckily, she lets me in, although I’ve known her since we were in the same fourth grade class. That may help. She’s my best friend, and I intend to keep her as my best friend.

February 1, 2015

Dear Friend,

Today is my best friends birthday. I am not actually sure what she is going to do today, but I hope that I am involved. Even if it means that I am stuck with her at a family dinner or something. Bryan asked her to hang out last night to hang out today. I’m not sure what she said to him, but I hope it was a no. I haven’t talked to her today, I mean except at 12am. I text her “Happy Birthday” as soon as it turned midnight. Luckily she was awake, and she text me back not even a minute later. For some odd reason, that made me really happy. Maybe it’s because I was on her mind and she was just about to text me too. Anyways, I’m going to write later so I can go eat breakfast and wait for her text or call. I hope you have a good rest of your morning. Like I say, you really deserve it.

Dear Friend,

I got to hang out with my best friend today. It seemed like she had a really good birthday. She was really happy that I got to spend time with her today. She said that she broke up with Bryan last night. I was happy, but it made me sad that I was happy about it. I asked her why she broke up with him, she said it’s because she still kept feeling like she wasn’t able to talk to him about anything. It didn’t really help that all he would talk about is sports and video games. Today was different with her, it was a good different. She was really giggly. It was really cute. And it was funny. Anyways, we ended up getting stoned. She made  brownies, the special kind of brownies. I had four, and she had six. Her brother said we were baked like a cake. Kind of like in the movie of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think that’s where he got it. Or maybe he just knows what to say. He said something weird too. And I can’t get it out of my head. We were just sitting there on her roof right outside her window, and she put her hand on my shoulder and we were just having a heart to heart conversation. Then her brother said “Hey would you guys stop flirting with each other.” Then he lit the bowl that he was holding for forever I think he was actually waiting for his sister to notice that he was handing it to her. To be honest I kind of forgot that he was there. Kind of like it was just me and her. The only two people in the world. After she and her brother finished her “birthday bowl”, we just sat there, stargazing. We talked about what we want to do when we’re older. We talked about what houses we want, what kind of pool we’ll have, what kind of refrigerator that we’ll have for all our food. Then, we talked about what we wanted now. She gave me a weird look, it was a good weird, but it was still weird. I asked her why she was looking at me “like that” and that’s when she kissed me, and I kissed her back. She told me it was a pretty good day and I was really glad to be apart of it. So I guess that it was one of the best days I have ever had. I hope you have a day like that someday. Like I always say, you deserve it.


Love always,



Giving Credit To Where Credit Is Due

I do not usually let a lot of people in. At all really. Whenever I have, it has never ended up good. I left my college yesterday. I’m always stuck to people who tend to bring me down. I never understood why. They either try and box me out, or they bring me down in front of others. As much as I wanted to be in the crowd, the crowd or someone in the crowd has always hurt me. Therefore, this huge wall has been built and the deep Me is in there somewhere. First and foremost. God has been the one to bring it down. And He has been using people to tear that down. And yes, it has always been guys that God sends, because what else does a 12-21 year old girl/woman like? Mind you, these are not in order of my lifeline, they are in order on how they come to mind.

The beginning tale of whom I have let into my life that has changed it forever.

The first one: DGG

We met when we were in middle school. I thought he was the cutest little sixth grader. His long hair and his even longer eyelashes caught my attention. I also have a God given talent for seeing right through people, and I saw that he had/has a pure heart. Good character. We have a lot of history. I still think very highly of him. I was only 12 years old. All the way up to maybe 16 years old, I could not get off my mind. Then when I decided he existed again after I sent him a very long letter confessing my feelings after he was there for me during the time I wanted to take my own life, but after I had also hurt him when I was going into my freshman year, then after I turned 18. He was still the same amazing person I knew he could be and still is. This person helped me calm down when I needed and was there when I needed him most. The ugliest side of me and he was there. Even if he didn’t remember… I’m not bitter lol. He’s helped me with my emotions and not to freak out all the time. I guess that’s a theme with everyone who has impacted me. It honestly is. He is still in my life, it used to be actively, but he is back and forth a little bit, it is just nice knowing that he knows me, he has known me, it’s now been 9 years since we have known each other. I couldn’t be more grateful to know him and call him an old flame, my best friend, one I always confide in. DGG, you’ve done me well. I’m grateful for you. You’re at the top of my list.

The second one : my cousin Scott.

He taught me a very big lesson on the importance of family. And the importance of life. He brought me in the water forever to be changed.

The third one: Flynn Ryder

Oh goodness. Where do I begin in the short time that we knew each other. You were a God send to me. Around the time I met him, I was on the verge of losing myself. I hated myself and I hated my life. I was ready to give up everything and just run. He helped me fall in love with myself. He showed me that I was an example to those who didn’t see the light. One I thought I would end up spending my life with, he helped me in ways I cannot imagine. I’ve wrote about him before. Quite a bit before actually. One I will never forget, and as I have said before, with forever be grateful for.

The fourth one:

My close friend. I am so sorry that you had to spend a couple years stuck being my friend and possibly loving me. You were also there around the second time I wanted to take my life and spent many nights talking me out of suicide. I am forever grateful for your friendship. I could never thank you enough.

The fifth one: TS

You made me realize that I am better than the way you treated me. The way you saw me is the way I don’t want anyone to look at me, ever. You taught me I am worth more than the way you saw me.

The sixth one: T.V

For a time, I thought you were going to be my ending. It turns out, you were just my best friend for a season. We both went from officially meeting each other, we were both SO carnal. Then we both watched each other grow, like weeds in God. It was crazy. We spent the entire summer together last summer. You helped me see what a true best friendship was supposed to be like. And that was a friendship that wasn’t supposed to bloom yet, but it did help me realize that being best friends is the best way to start off an interest in someone.

The seventh one: Lesso

You helped me realized that I like flirting. Which can be dangerous to the wrong people. But to the right one, it can help them fall in love with me.

The eighth one:

You helped me realize I was a sucky friend, by being like me and me hating talking to you. Because of the mirror you placed in front of me, I am now a better friend. You also helped me realize that I don’t need to do anything to get attention because you look ridiculous doing so.


The ninth one: “Prince Louis”

You have become my best friend. Unfortunately, I have confided in you many times. I may have gotten it in my head that there was an interest there. You have been such a good friend and I missed you. But, after speaking to you for a few months, I have realized in order for someone like me to be ready for speaking terms with someone, I have to  change a few things about myself, and change my perspective of things. It’s somewhat torn me apart that I don’t feel good enough to be one speaking terms. It’s not your fault, it’s more of a mind thing for me. It still sucks that, the time we spent talking doesn’t mean more. But you have taught me that I am not ready for something yet.

The Tenth One: God

You are my friend that sticks closer than a brother. You are my Father in heaven who comforts me on earth. You helped me see the real me through visions and the experiences you give me when in Your presence. I love you dearly.

Unfortunately, these have all been (men) in my life that have spoken volumes to me. Fortunately I have found goodness in the bad, and I seriously appreciate the good in the good. I appreciate every single one of these men.

You’re so hard on yourself.

Take a moment.

Sit back.

Marvel at your life:

at the grief that softened you

at the heartache that wisened you

at the suffering that strengthened you

Despite everything,

you still grow.

Be proud of this.




Hurting To Help Somebody.

Regardless of what has been going on, I have been finding that God has truly been showing His love for me through other people. He has been showering me in love lately. And I cannot help but absolutely fall in love with my God. more and more every day He has been showing me how truly special I am, how truly special we all are. I’ve been finding more and more people that are so special and it all started with when one of my classmates had gotten into a fatal car accident and the results of the car, had shown me, that everyone in that vehicle in all reality, should’ve been dead. Life is way to precious to be a malicious person. To be a selfish person. To be a bitter person.

Today has shown me what I have been praying for other people, God has been showing what I have prayed for toward me too. I was talking to a close friend of mine today about how everything I have gone through and how awful I feel, I feel like the scum of the earth, God has been showing me otherwise, and as I was talking to her, I realized, that just as much as I want God to shower love all over the people I have specifically prayed for, I have been longing for that myself. My cup overflows at the thought that God thinks so highly of me, to send people I never thought I would have the chance to be close with and elevate me the way I never thought I would be elevated and even esteem me higher than I typically view myself.

A very good friend of mine had gotten me this cool canteen that changes colors as you turn it. Almost like an oil in a puddle of water kind of look, it’s actually exactly like that. This very dear friend of mine has been getting me one or two bouquet of roses each time the previous bouquet of roses have unfortunately died. And, she wrote me a letter, that as I am sitting at a coffee shop super upset, and it says this:

“Dear Mychie,

Don’t mind the ghetto way this is ripped. It did not want to leave my journal. Unfortunately, this is the last bouquet of roses that I will give you in our freshman year. I just wanted to do more than roses. You said you wanted a cup like this. So I took it upon myself to send to send you home with the “Magic Mug” from the Disneyland of drinks, Dutch Bros. You’re magic Mychie. You have the Holy Ghost flowing through your veins. I want this mug to represent that you are special. When the light hits you, your color changes, you radiate differently. Never let your difference be your detriment. Allow your your difference to be your drive to pursue ALL God has for you. Believe God for your future and allow yourself to see you, the way God sees you. You are magic. Not the bad (and, but the kind that makes dreams, reality.) YOU ARE SPECIAL! The Bible tells you not to think more highly of yourself than you ought. But you should think highly of yourself, because you are commanded to love others as you love yourself. You have permission to LOVE YOURSELF!! 


World Changer.”

That letter has changed my view of myself. I am meant to change the world, and as someone who has thought so low of themselves for so many years, old habits die hard, and this one is hard to break. God has been placing so many people into my life to uplift me and help me realize that I am special, with just the way they speak to me and how they choose their words when they speak of me, to me.

We are all so special, and I don’t know why we fight that so hard. There was this one thing I had shared with my friend Angelina, and she said I should share my writings, and I think I will. We shall see. This was the quote that helped her… I hope it helps someone else again. That’s what I’m here for, to help.

“Stop apologizing. You don’t have to say sorry for how you laugh, how you dress, how you make your hair, how you do your makeup, how you speak. You don’t have to be sorry for being yourself. Do it fearlessly. It’s time to accept: this is you, and you gotta spend the rest of your life with you. So start loving your sarcasm, your awkwardness, your weird habits, your unique sense of humor, your voice, your talents, your everything. It will make your life so much easier.” – postivezone on IG


It’s Not Frozen Yet

Have you ever had to take a step back, and evaluate who you are? What you are doing? How you are going to do it? Do you ever have to take a step back and evaluate who are or what you are? As a person? I have no idea what I’m doing. There were a lot of crazy things confirmed for me and my peace of mind, but, man. I was on the verge of letting go. I really was. I get in this mode where, nothing matters, my heart turns cold, I become very mean and nasty & I become cold-hearted, and that is not the Me anyone wants to see. I wasn’t sure why I was on the verge of letting go of everything, my genuineness, my kindness, my promises, everything.

But then… I realized, why should I let what other people do dictate what I do and my actions when it comes to their actions.

I was someone, who did not think anything of themselves. I didn’t think that I mattered. No, not in the pitiful way. Like the woe is me. I didn’t matter and that’s okay kind of thing. It was sad, yes. I also believed that I would never get married. Or have a family. Or have anyone in my life for that matter. I always have seen a lot of ugly in me, I have always thought very ugly of myself. I was never too sure why. I always saw the worst in me. And that is how I believed everyone saw me as well, if not worse at times. I deemed myself as not worthy of anyone’s time. Someone who would never fit in. One who would never find their place in the wretched world. I thought of myself as the epitome of rock bottom. The lowest of the low. The friends I have now, the very few ones I have, I would and have even felt I am unworthy to even be around them more than one occasion. I just couldn’t see who I was. What power I withhold within myself.

Not anymore.

I haven’t got quite there yet, but I’m done thinking like that. I am just done. I’m done being so, down and out. It’s not like I choose to always be like that. But it just happens. I never knew until Wednesday night. I have an epiphany.

Not very many people believe me when I say that I know I have a call on my life. I know I am worth more than I see myself. I am worth even more than how people see me. I am done letting what I think of myself get in my way an hinder my calling, and I am done letting what I might think of others or what others think of me hinder me and my calling.

I’m done.

And I’m ready to fight this battle.



My feelings are limited right now. Everything I have let go of, seems better to go back to. The kind of conversations I would have with people whom I thought would hurt me, didn’t do the hurting. It turned out to be me. Those who I thought would never hurt me have… It’s kind of like opposite day but it’s every day. I guess it’s obvious I’ve been hurt a lot. And yes that’s life. But that doesn’t make it easier. There are those who tell me it’s life, get over it. There are those who are frustrated that something “always has to be wrong” have you guys ever thought of how one grew up and the way they were raised? It seems as though a lot don’t have enough patience for those who have had a rough life. And those who have had a rough life, only care about either their opinions or what they want to say rather than how the other person is [ truly ] feeling… or how their words would affect someone. People are selfish. It seems as though it’d be easier to keep to yourself than waste your time and your hurt on those you thought you could trust.

I’m caught in the middle of knowing what it’s like to be hurt and cutting everyone out but also needing people [ now more than ever. ] Who stops to ask you when you’re walking across the parking lot to see if you’re okay? Or are they more worried about getting rejected or what’s going on in their lives.

I’m sorry for letting those go who promised they wouldn’t hurt me but I ended up hurting you. Eugene, Dale, Christian, Summer, Hanne, Jorge, Bob, I’m sure there are more, but those are the ones that came to mind. I won’t do that again.

As for those who say they’re there for me. Your actions speak louder than your words. Your words hurt me. I’ve told you already. I only ask you to be honest with me as well, if I do anything that hurts or harms you in any way, don’t be shy. Because I let you know too… a relationship and friendships are give and take. I’ve been doing a lot of giving. I try not to take; no… I’m not talking materialistically… I’m talking emotionally, mentally. I’ve even cut some of you out without you fully realizing and choosing to do nothing about it. Where are you? Where have you been? I’m at my limit. I’m close to the edge and you (all) can’t even see it because you’re so wrapped up in what you’re doing. I thought we were friends.

I’m hurt. I’m in pain. The only thing keeping me going is the HG. Those sent from God to lift me up too.

I’m slowly drifting away. I hope it’s not for good. Don’t be surprised if I leave…

That’s when I realized what a true friend was.

Someone who would always love you-

the imperfect you, the confused you, the wrong you-

Because that is what people are supposed to do.

– r.j.l

I trust the ones who are always seeking to grow.

Sometimes all we need is someone to simply be there. Not to fix anything or do anything in particular, but just to let us feel like we are cared for and supported.

Where There Is Growth, There Are Flowers.

It’s important to guard your heart. Because that will determine the course of your life.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of, distress lately. I’ve distanced myself from people I thought would be in my corner through the weird times and the bad times. Not only is it important for me to guard my heart with possible interests or people I might like more than a friend. But it’s also very vital that I guard my heart with my friends as well.

There was a time where I wanted and still want to be a better person. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a good person. I may try to be, but I am truly not. So I started praying that God grants me the fruits of the spirit. It’s a hard process but in order for me to be who I want to be who IN GOD. I have to learn to acquire those aspects to be an actual Christian… I’ve come to the realization that I have opened doors that I now cannot shut. With my friends. In some areas I’ve been really honest. But my approach may have seemed to just like call them out just to call them out. No. Those weren’t my intentions. When I do so, I truly believe that they need to work on they way they are in certain areas. But somehow, it seems they think they can just say whatever they want, I have not vocalized that to them, but that is due to the distancing myself… But, what I mentioned about the fruits of the Spirit, one of those is Joy, and if I would continue to be around certain people, that joy would cease to exist. Sometimes, God calls us to lay certain things down and our own beliefs and our own way of doing things, to be a true Christian we have to yearn for a clean heart. You can’t continue to have people getting upset with you, if you do, I know for me, I would want to make things right. I personally aspire to be a true pure Christian. Not only that, but it seems that a lot of my friendships have been one sided. I’ve voiced what I’m feeling, and nothing has been done. I have personally seen a spiritual and a natural growth going on. So I don’t feel I am wrong in this area. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But everyone thinks they’re right, don’t they? Lol that’s how human nature is. We’re selfish. We’re prideful. It’s definitely hard to admit when we’re wrong. Or have to apologize. Which I personally think is pitiful. It’s pathetic. Like I said, I want to be a better Christian. Humbling ourselves, looking for forgiveness. Rising above our current circumstances, meaning, constantly looking for change. We are made to change who we are. Life is a learning process. Learning, means leaving room for failure. We’re too prideful to admit that we’re wrong at times. Helllloooooo. If we were made perfect the world wouldn’t have troubles in the world. Disagreements, wars, fighting. Grief. There would be nothing to worry about if we were perfect.

When I look at a Christian, I look for certain aspects and characteristics one should have.

My question is to ask yourself, what can I do to be a better version of me?

To think you can love God without being changed by Him, is to think you can jump into the ocean and not get wet. To really love Him, you must understand that your life is going to be wrecked by Him, and built again into something beautiful, something lasting.

When you go through trials and tribulations, it is an opportunity for you to grow. – James 1:3.