Letting go to get going.

Beginning to wonder if I should move on, or stay put and continue to stay in this place.

There’s someone who is very dear to my heart. We’ve been fasting from each other and I’m not sure if this fast should continue. I talked with my roommate last night and she warned me that if I don’t feel the same thing he feels, I need to get out. Right now, I feel the fast isn’t necessary anymore. If it’s just him feeling it’s necessary then so be it. I’ve been feeling an emptiness growing inside me and it’s been a distraction.

I liked him. I believe I still do. But in order for me to continue my walk with God, I can’t have something confusing in my life and this is all sorts of confusion. He may even read this and this is the first time I’ve admitted to anyone more than those who have approached me about him. So if you’re reading this, I’m sorry I didn’t have the nerve to tell you and you probably already knew. There it is.

We got way too deep way too fast. Our time was mostly invested in each other and our alone time with God was taken away by each other. I understand that…. but I don’t want to be left in the dark anymore. I don’t know where he’s at in all of this. I don’t know if he feels the same way. I personally don’t feel good enough to be with anyone really and he’s amazing. He deserves the best and I’m not sure I’m it. At least not yet. I would never jump into anything either, don’t get me wrong… he’s young, I’m young as well. I’d be no where ready for anywhere close for a relationship either. Feelings happen. It’s natural. But I have to let God intervene and if we’re meant to stay friends we’ll make it back to that. If we’re meant to be more, we’ll make our way back to each other. I need to let go and I need to let God take care of this.

I miss him. He makes me laugh. He helps me push myself to be the best I can be. He inspires me. But if we’re both going to get in each others way in our walk with God because we’re too invested in each other. It has to go. If I could say one last thing to him, I’d say this…

“I love you. I care for you. I adore you and I’m always praying for you. Don’t ever stop. Keep doing what you’re doing. Stay in this. Don’t go withering away on me. I’m always here and you take care of yourself. I don’t ever want you to jeopardize your walk for me. You keep loving God more than anything else. Thank you for making me laugh, thank you for making me feel something real again and seeing the beauty in humanity again and thank you for being you and taking time in your life to help me and help me be happy again and thank you for all the deep talks we had.  You are truly one of a kind and I miss our friendship. I miss you and I will keep praying for the FOR the best.”

 

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Going back to what I lost.

When I started this blog, I was talking to this guy. He was honestly great. I enjoyed talking to him. It was like I couldn’t go a day without talking to him… I recently had to let him go, and he’s been on my mind lately. He blocked me on Facebook after I had to tell him that I had to let him go. Then eventually was blocked on Snap chat. It actually really hurt. I cared for this guy. He helped me so much. He helped me fall in love with myself again. He sent my this picture one time after I told him about something that happened with my sister and it had to do with me hating myself because she didn’t like me and he sent me this picture that said “Stay away from people who make it feel like you’re hard to love.” That was when I knew (at the time) that this guy was going to stay in my life for awhile. He inspired me so much, that I started writing again. I was so broken and so hurt for such a long time I let go of my passion. He brought my motivation back to life. I miss him. Even though I have feelings for someone else now, and I’m being called to different path than he is, it still sucks that we got close but I had to leave. He gave me butterflies. Someone accepted me for who I was. He spoke into my life. We talked about getting married for goodness sake. I was planning on legit actually moving to get to know him and just be with him.

Regardless. He’s probably moved on. He is a great guy, he’s handsome. He’s an ex-marine. He was the whole package. I have moved on. but man, I miss him. I know I’m supposed to stay away I wouldn’t go back. I had to let him go for a reason and I honestly hope he is doing okay. He deserves the best. He’s been pushed around and I just hope he finds the right person for him.

 

 

Being broken to become beautiful.

In life…. It’s to be expected that there will come times when you have to face something that will break you. Whether it be someone passing away. Getting fired at a job. Loosing a best friend due to some fight. Or letting go of someone you love dearly…

For me, I had to let go of someone I love dearly. I’ve been told a few times that this is going to a season of me being broken and before I even left for bible college, God has shown me that I need to be broken of a few things. Not necessarily that he had to be taken out of my life, just that I need time to focus on God. Let me tell you, that and it still is, one of the roughest situations I’ve had to go through. My thinking process is, I have finally found a friend that it’s super easy to have deep talks with. We talked about God like He was going of style (which will never happen, God is always in style). I’ve never gotten close like that with someone and it hurts. It hurts not being able to confide in someone that I feel absolutely comfortable with. Someone I can tell almost anything to. I finally found a best friend. One I can trust, one I can count on to pray for me, to keep me in line when I need it most, one to tell me how it is when I don’t even want to hear it. One to tell me what God spoke to them and be (completely) transparent with me even if they’re scared of judgement from me, they’ll tell me anyways. At first I was so heartbroken. Then I got angry like “God! Why did you have to do this?! You knew I needed someone like this in my life. You knew that I was scared to open up and have someone come into my life again. You know I don’t like getting close to someone and letting people in. You know I’ve been hurt before, WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME AGAIN?!”

In order for me to trust in God. I have to let everything in my life go. Someone I love as much as I love my best friend, it has to be laid down… I have to be willing to lay him down in order for God to use me the way He wants, I’m not willing to lose God for an idol, for a best friend, for a guy. I can’t be willing to put anything before God. Now I’m not going to apologize for turning this blog into one about God, but if you don’t like it, that saddens me. This might be all this blog is about now.

Regardless, in any season, meaning like through trials, through tribulations, through your storm, through rough waters, through heartbreaks, God will remain God. It’ll just help me understand that I need to depend on Him. To lean on Him. To praise Him in good times and to worship Him in rough times. It hurts, it’s gonna suck, it still does suck but I will praise and worship God anyways.

In brokenness, that’s when God will find my beauty. In the book of 1 Samuel 16:7 “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look no on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because i have refused him:for the Lord seeth no as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.”

God sees my sacrifice, and He is going to honor it. He sees that all I want is a relationship with Him. That’s what has kept me going. God wants a broken vessel and a willing vessel. Here I am Lord. I am broken, I am willing. Use me. That’s all I want. He finds that beautiful. He sees my heart. He knows I desire Him. My best friend told me even in his deepest state of depression, he still chose to see the beauty in people. That when he saw me he saw I was hurt, but that I chose to stay happy, he saw my beauty. I believe that’s what God sees. Even when I hurt, and I seek after Him, He calls that beauty. I miss my best friend, and I’m sure he’s doing just fine without me, but my oh my, does this suck. I’m praying that God sends me a best friend. One I can depend on, one that I can go to with something and ask for righteous advice. I need a friend…

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny…

– C.S Lewis

I’m waiting for that destiny, Lord.

Being humbled

Matthew 10:37 He that loveth a father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that that love the son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. 39. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

I know for a fact that my best friend told my sister to show me those. At least asked about them. Man. I feel awful for letting him become someone I love more than God. How did I get there? I’m still hurt because I got so used to him being in my life that I don’t know how to act without him there. I know it’s not goodbye forever but that’s how I’m thinking because i ain’t getting my hopes up for nothing. Besides, it’s not like he’s struggling like I am. He has a greater calling than I do. God will sustain him and give him peace because he needs it. I’ll get it here at bible college, but I haven’t yet.

If he’s okay. I’ll be okay. I just wish I could tell him everything that’s going on. I miss talking to someone about Jesus.

I’ll be okay.

I’m so thankful for how far I’ve come. I’m especially thankful for how far my best friend has come. We haven’t been talking and he’s doing what he needs to do in order to get closer with God.

I love him. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. He needs to get closer with God so I will let him do what he needs to do and let him be my Isaac.

Feelings got caught up and we got so invested in that, that we lost focus. Gotta keep my eye on the prize.

I need you both

Leaving home tomorrow is hitting me hard. This is the first time I’m leaving home longer than two months.

I’m hurting. I’m broken.

I need my best friend…

I will praise God anyways. I will worship Him even when I don’t have the one thing I want more than my walk with God… my best friend.

Loving is a beautiful thing. But boy oh boy can it cause some damage.

People don’t fall out of love. They fall out of forgiveness. The most powerful force on the earth is forgiveness… If it wasn’t for forgiveness. Man would I be in trouble. I go back and think of all the times I was forgiven by God. By people. By the ones I love. I recently hurt my best friend. And that is the second or third worst feeling ever. Especially since I care about him so much I never want to hurt him. My attitude was getting to be too much and I wish I had warned him more. I’m embarrassed of my actions and I’m being humbled big time. I think we got too close… because now we’re both questioning if God wants us to talk to each other…. Can I just be honest? I’m so broken right now. And I haven’t been handling it gracefully either. While I was praying my heart literally felt like it got pressed on. I’m hurt. I’m broken. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I prayed as long as I could… I poured my heart out last night in prayer. I prayed more today. I feel like it was all me. Something was wrong with me. I knew I shouldn’t have been talking to anyone whatsoever. Now. I know it wasn’t just me hurting him but that was the root of it. I hurt him and maybe that got to him and got him thinking that why did it bother him so much. And it got him thinking that maybe we were talking too much.. caring too much. I was telling someone today that I never open up. I pick and choose my best friends and the people I surround myself with… Especially if I feel this type of connection. I close off immediately. Why? So many things have been taken away from me and I’ve been hurt countless of times. It never seems to get easier. Saying goodbye to him was a very difficult moment for me… I hated it. I feel like I have to say goodbye again and the feeling of last time has multiplied by 10….. I can’t breath. I can’t think. I can’t feel. I poured and poured and poured my heart out in prayer. I don’t know what God is doing. I don’t know what His plans are… I’ll continue to try and trust Him. And lean on Him like never before. Where did we go wrong? Did we make a mistake by getting too close? Is God testing our words of saying we’ll sacrifice anything for Him? Testing our loyalty? Testing us on discernment? Teaching us to lean on Him? I’m not going to lie. I’m hurt. I don’t know why God is having this happen. I told Him I couldnt handle anymore… is He proving me wrong? In the middle of praying today. I thought of my best friend that died when I was 5 or 6 years old. I’m not sure why but I felt that same feeling I had when I lost him… My best friend today… I’d do anything for him. I love him too much to let me destroy him. If letting him go so he can be who he needs to be. So be it. He deserves better. If I’m completely wrong this is going to be super awkward but I’d be glad to be wrong…. I love him too much and I love Him too much to hurt either of them. I need my best friend….

For the words I cannot express by speaking them.

My mother said that I have one of those personalities that people are drawn to. Sometimes. I find that hard to believe. My words get the best of me. I fail. And that’s what I hate the most. I don’t wanna fail. One thing that came to mind today that after I messed up. My best friend, why? Here’s why. There were some things that he shared with me early this morning that I don’t know how to cope with. Have you ever been literally frozen? From the words someone was speaking? And shaking because you just didn’t know what was going to happen. That was me… like an idiot I didn’t say anything. I just cried and well didn’t know how to take his complement…

But anyways… He trusted me with a side of himself that only God has seen. I’ve always been the one to confide. Or I’ve been trying to search for someone to confide in my whole life. Last night, I was that person for him. He confided in me. He trusts me. To be honest that scares me. Because I don’t want to fail him. I love him so much. I laid him down as a sacrifice. I told God “I don’t want anyone to get in my way and my walk with you. I will lay it all down if you need me too. I will do anything for you because you died for me. If this is what you want keep this heaviness on my chest and don’t let me leave this pew. If you don’t want him as a sacrifice, lift this off me and overwhelm me with peace. And that he is just now getting serious with God and that I can’t get in his way” He told me that it’s okay. And that we need each other. I didn’t know what that meant because my best friend is one of the most independent people I’ve ever met… He doesn’t need me. If anything. I’m the one who needs him. I still don’t know if he even needs me. He might. Wait why am I trying to question God?

(Reader. Don’t think I’m crazy. Because I’m not. Bear with me.)

I don’t think my best friend realizes how much I love him as well. There were many times I took him up the mountain… I don’t think he understands either. He’s much easier at using his words than I am so I’m writing them out because I can never say them out loud sometimes. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because whenever I talk. I always got shut down when I was a kid… I wish I could. But this is the best way I know how to get them out. He’s been trying to teach me to talk and I’ve been trying. Hopefully he’ll make me. He might even see this. Either way.

I am so thankful for where God has us right now. It brings me so much joy and it gives me peace knowing I can go to someone when I need it.

Looking for someone to confide in.

I’ve done a lot of wrong in my life. And I still do wrong every day… today it’s being held against me hard… I messed up. It may not be a big deal to most of you but man is it eating at me tonight. As I lay my head down to sleep, my heart feels heavy and I can’t breath that well. I’ve been kind of freaking out about something and a few minutes ago it was a joke between people, but I’m honestly freaking out and am currently crying about it. I tend to think too hard about a lot of things. It’s kind of the way I am. I try not to but it just usually ends up happening. I’m trying to watch my favorite movie but it’s not even helping. I just wish certain things never happened. Because if they didn’t. I wouldn’t be worried about it right now. I’d be fine. Have you ever thought about a bad situation you were in? Or like a certain person you regret dating? That feeling you get and you try and shake off the feeling? Thinking it’ll go away when you shake? I don’t like feeling dumb… no one does. It leaves me feeling almost empty. I don’t like making mistakes either again, no one does. I feel like I may have gotten too close to someone and have gotten too dependent and I feel pretty ridiculous waiting for them to text back… I feel stupid and like a burden. But man do I need a friend right now. One who will give me righteous advice and look out for my well being and tell me that all these insecurities are wrong and I need to stop. I’m having a rough night and I’m about to confide I someone I shouldn’t be confiding in…. Lord help me…

There was a preaching I listened to.. they said you can’t rebuke what entertains you….. What entertains me seems pretty comforting right now.

True friends…. where ya at??

A true friend will be your candle in the dark, your hope when it’s gone and takes away your pain when it hurts.

Turning over a new leaf.

I’ve had a life changing journey that I took when I went up north this summer. My thoughts are different, my mind has changed and I no longer think the world would be better off without me. I have found that void that my heart was missing and it was the Jesus void. I found that Jesus wasn’t truly hidden in my heart, He wasn’t the center of my attention like the way it should be in my life. I have fallen in love with Him again and I have fallen back in love with my life again. I’ve also fell in love with all those people around me. People have taught me so much, like fruits of the spirit, living life in the moment, and how to be a good friend. I cannot express how much I love my life, friends family and Jesus.

You guys… I’m finally happy.