Every Step of the Way

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. A lot about my past. A lot about my past loves, a lot about my memories with them. But more than anything, a lot about myself.  I was actually looking at my own blog and reading the one with the title of “Chapter 21.” And it had me thinking, what if, God has been writing a Autobiography or something like narrating my life of (she who should not be named, me).

What would my first year of life be like? How would He be writing about me? Would He be writing:

“Chapter 1: She just took her first steps today. I know what her future holds, and that is one to many big steps she’s going to take. I cannot wait to see her grow up. My beautiful daughter I am always with you, every step of the way.” As one of my good friends would say, “that’s my baby girl.”

Chapter 5, she’s waking up for her first day of school. She is growing up so fast. These are her steps into taking the next journey in her life. I still see everything she is going to be in Me one day. I love her so much. It brings me great joy when I see her turn her life to Me one day. She’s so intelligent, she doesn’t even realize it. That’s my baby girl. I hope she feels me right next to her every step that she takes.”

“Chapter 10. I hope my baby girl knows how much I love her. She’s not doing too well in school, I just would hope that she knew that I was there right beside every step of the way. It breaks My heart that she thinks so low of herself and that she is not doing the best she could in life right now. I just want to tell her but now isn’t the time yet. I’m still with you, every step of the way, baby girl.”

“Chapter 15. I know exactly what she is doing. Even when she is walking late at night, all those bears and all those men who were seeking after her in the late hours of the night, I’m protecting her. I have had my hand in her life since the day I went on that Cross. I knew her before she was in the womb. I love you, my darling. Hang in there. Daddy is by your side every step of the way.”

“Chapter 16. Please don’t do this. I know life is tough. Especially yours. I am still here my darling. I have greater things planned for you than what you are thinking. I know you feel like you do not belong here on the earth that I created. I have made you to do great things in this life. I know you feel unworthy to live life with everyone, but I do not want you to go down that path. That is not the path I created you for, my dear. I love you. You are coming with Me very soon. You will be seeing every step that I have been with you. Just wait.”

“Chapter 20. Oh, my dear. Ever since the first step you took when you were 16, I was so  excited to see you take the first steps on our journey together that you can actually see. I created you for better things, My love. Since you are feeling very down on yourself, I will send you someone that will help you along the way. You need to fall in love with yourself, just as I have. Eugene will help you. Let him help you. I am with you every step of the way, do not forget that if this falls through, that I am with you every step of the way.”

“Chapter 21. Oh, my dear, love. You have come so far. You have learned so much in just one year. Now you have answered a call (you) never thought you would take. I know this hurts. I know it is causing you to be weary. But in your weakness I am made strong. I am living in you, therefore you have My strength living inside you. Rest upon that. I am so very proud of you. I will restore your virtue. So do not worry. I am still with you every step of the way. 

One thing that God has given me. Is He has showed me the times He has stepped into certain situations. Maybe not every situation yet. But a lot of them. As I was sitting here on a night where everyone was out having fun, I was spending a little bit of time with the Lord. I was sharing my hurt. I was sharing my pain. I was sharing my thoughts. I was sharing moments that I had cherished with Him tonight. Now I know why I was meant to stay here.

My future is in God’s hands. He has been with me every step of the way. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

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not my will, but (His) be done.

A toast, to you. The one who helped me fall in love with myself again.

Dear, Flynn Ryder.

I hope you haven’t forgotten about me, at least the things you have done for me. I haven’t forgotten about you. That’s for sure.

Around this time last year, I didn’t want to live here on earth any longer. So I signed up for this thing called MeetMe. I was honestly just wanting people to talk to because of my loneliness and isolation. I stumbled across you on the secret admirers thing and I hearted you because I saw your smile and this adorable black German Shepherd you were holding. My philosophy is, if they like dogs and dogs like them, they’re a keeper. You had messaged me shortly after you guessed who your secret admirer was, and after I sent you friend request, you said “Hi, friend :)” That was the start to our journey to where ever it is that we ended up in the end before the end, if that makes any sense. From then on, we knew we were interested in each other. We began to flirt and you had begun to lift me up without me even realizing it. You have helped me in such a way that still affects me to this day. Around this time last year I was on the verge of going insane; maybe not literally, but I was close to losing myself, that’s for sure. You had began to help me see the good in myself. As someone who grew up looking at themselves in the mirror and seeing nothing, having someone as great as you were to me, be so good to me, helped me see the beauty in future potential spouses, and helped me see the beauty within me. The beauty that I do in fact hold. It wasn’t easy to think of myself in such a low way when you were in my life, and I am forever grateful. I remember this one time I was talking to you about my relationship with my sister and it wasn’t a good relationship with her at the time and I remember you sending me a message before you started your day, you sent me this picture, and it said “Stay away from people who make it feel like you’re hard to love.” And that was after only one or two weeks of talking, if I remember correctly. You had brought back to life something in me that I believed died a long time ago. I 100% believe that you were a God send and that I was supposed to have that embarrassing website to stumble across you. I don’t regret one minute ever speaking to you. In fact, everything we talked about, I was totally planning to do everything I said I was going to. I do not doubt for one second that everything people were telling me were true. I did want you in my life. I did. If I had it my way you would still be apart of my life. I wouldn’t even be here at bible college or in Alaska, I would be in Oregon, making things work out with you. The moral of me writing this, is I miss you. I appreciate you. And I am always praying for you. I want the best for you Flynn. You gave me the best, and I wish I could have done the same for you, but God has called me on a different path that we can’t share together. Maybe perhaps one day. One thing I realized, is I am still caught up on you, it’s been difficult to move on from the memories of you. I know to a lot it may have seemed like I moved on just fine, I may be fine, but I do miss you. That’s one thing I did absolutely not want to let go of. And the reason I am finally writing this (it’s the only way I know how to do so properly.) is because I found this picture that basically describes everything you said to me in one picture. It’s below in the quote section. I could have loved you, it was a potential love that I would have pursued if I had not given my life to God. I’m sorry if you hate me, resent me, are bitter toward me and never want to hear or speak of or to me ever again. Just know, you answered my “All Heroes Please Apply.” I am eternally grateful, and I could never repay you for what you have done for me.

All my love,

Rapunzel.

“Stop apologizing. You don’t have to say sorry for how you laugh, how you dress, how you make your hair, how you do your makeup, how you speak. You don’t have to be sorry for being yourself. Do it fearlessly. It’s time to accept: this is you, and you gotta spend the rest of your life with you. So start loving your sarcasm, your awkwardness, your weird habits, your unique sense of humor, your voice, your talents, your everything. It will make your life so much easier.” – postivezone on IG

Chapter 21.

Have you ever wondered about your existence? Like literally were caught in a moment after you said something and no one heard or perhaps it was your birthday and say it wasn’t made a big deal? Yeah. That’s been me these past few weeks.

Growing up, birthdays were never a big deal. For me. And I guess I didn’t realize what I wanted til I didn’t have it. It’s a weird feeling wanting to feel important but not knowing how to react to being treated like I am special and important.

There were a select few people that did help me feel special and I am forever grateful. Also. For my birthday, I got the closure I needed. So in what that was my birthday present. I talked to D’s mom and it gave me so much clarity. She gave me peace of mind, it was a really good conversation. I was not going crazy. I knew what was going on in the whole situation and I didn’t feel like I was the one who did everything wrong. We both did wrong and we need to learn from it. To be honest about our feelings and not run off our emotions.

On the other hand, I found out who my real friends are. My twin brought me to get coffee with her man who also wanted to celebrate my birthday along with A and R. A and R also brought me to Chick-Fil-A. Then that night Sammyedy Sam brought me to iHop with one of my greatest friends and we skipped curfew. Lol those people matter to me.

This was a week full of revelation and clarity.

I want to change my thoughts of who I am. I’m going to stop being so unsure of who I am. I’m going to leave room for mistakes and not be so hard on myself. Failure leaves room for learning. I’m going to lay my pride aside and learn to love learning. I’ve made mistakes. Sure. But I’m not going to stay stuck on them just because it hurts and I’m ashamed. I’m ready for a new chapter in life. I’ve lost many people in my life due to them leaving. I’m gonna be okay with that.

If you lose someone and find yourself, you’ve won.

One Sheep, Two Sheep. One Blessing, Many Blessings, Count Your Blessings.

Things have been quite interesting in my life lately.

But; 

Nevertheless!

GOD IS S T I L L GOOD. My God provides because today and great friend of mine sent money into my account without me asking at all. I was in AMAZEMENT!!! My bill is like $7,000 behind, but, if I put down like $1,000 I’ll be on track to stay here at college… I know God can do it. He will do it in Jesus name. I was shaking so bad when my friend sent that money. I was in complete shock! I still can’t get over it.

And even though I was just venting about everything, I still want to recognize that God is good. I still have many blessings. One thing I learned from D, was that he still counted his blessings even though it was a bad day. Or at least he showed me that I have a roof over my head, I have clothes on my back. I was pretty stubborn, so if I learned anything, it was to be less stubborn and to be nicer. I would also like to recognize that I love people so much now… When I came back to school, I forgot how much I love seeing everyone. God has been doing a TREMENDOUS work in my life and in me. I can’t wait to see what this year holds and what God has in store! I am so excited to see what God is going to do this year it keeps me up at night. Well… That too and coffee 😉 It is always important to remember the good things happening or the good things that have happened when we’re in bad times or hard troubled waters.

“You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. You’re human, you are not perfect. You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive. think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breath, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt, for we will never know what it is waiting for us just around the bend.”

“Your mind will always believe everything you tell it. Feed it faith. Feed it truth. Feed it with love. “

Glass Half Full Kinda Woman

Life has its many ups and downs. But I’ve come to the realization that you decide your own happiness. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’ve finally learned that. My man friend, or how ever you would like to put that, have put things on hold? I’m not really sure what’s going on there… but it feels like it’s over. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But in 2017 I had my my heart broken too many times. 2018, I choose not to walk around like my heart is broken. God has granted me a peace that passes all understanding. I’m happy. And with everything else going on… I might not be able to register for my classes… School starts Wednesday and I’m starting to wonder how everything is going to turn out. But besides everything that’s going on. I honestly should be freaking out, but I’m not. I’m choosing happiness. To better myself. To become what I need to become. I’m looking forward to the new year… I don’t have to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow worries about itself. 2018 is going to be a great year. Life is too short to expect a bad day or even a bad year. The glass is half full ladies and gentleman. And it’s tasting good. New year, better me. 

Dear self, 

This is going to be your year. So dust off your boots and let’s get started.

-all my love, 

Me.

Becoming A Beautiful Addition To A Beautiful Bouquet 

God has been teaching me a lot. I see a lot of change happening in me. God had been using D to change me and make me realize  (without force) realize the change that needs to happen in me. My wall of stubbornness is being broken down. I need to learn to love the molding process. It hurts and it sucks, but I need to learn to fall in love with the process. I never want God to stop working on me & in my life. My good friend (who had me level headed tonight and God used them to put me at ease and peace) said that this thing going on with D; me pushing him away and him accepting it, has me torn me a little, it’s said to be a growing pain… It is a part of the growing process. Growth means blooming. I am becoming the beautiful flower apart of God’s beautiful bouquet. And in order for flowers to grow, there needs to be rain. And baby, it’s been pouring down rain. 

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely, undone. The shell cracks, it’s insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction. -Cynthiana Occeli 

Catch on fire if you must, sometimes everything needs to burn to the ground so that we may grow. – a.j lawless 

We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are. – Max Depree 

Praying For The Best…

Whenever people tend to get close to me, I’m not sure why, but I end up shutting everyone out, and just end up not talking to anyone. I unfortunately, it seems as though I have done that once again. It’s really my own fault though… Every time, I have had someone get close, something always happens to where they leave, and I think I was just expecting it to happen again. I feel as though I don’t deserve the best. I guess I just started listening to the lies of the enemy and everything just got overwhelming and when there are too many emotions going on, I shut them off… To the point where I don’t feel anything. Don’t talk to anyone. Because, why would anyone care?

I’m not sure why I screw good things up, or make them worse.

I don’t know what I’m doing…

I just hope things turn out okay.

Coming Boldly Unto The Thone

 

I know how to depend on God. That is what I have been doing. My home is finding rest in God. He has taught me so much this semester. The one thing is His praise will continually be on my lips. No matter what I go through God will sustain me. I may talk to people about what I’m going through but that’s so they can help me in prayer and agree with me in prayer about whatever it is I’m going through. You can’t teach people anything. That’s one thing I have learned. I know what I need to do and I am doing that. I have found someone that is truly a good friend. She made me pull myself together. There’s nothing wrong with needing friends. I have not had a lot in my life, I now know that I have had God working in my life ever since my first memory. Even before that. But it is not bad to confide in friends. He has showed me throughout this semester that He is never going to leave me. As long as I keep His commandments and things that are pleasing in His eyes, He will give me the extra blessings. To be honest, the blessings aren’t what I want. I couldn’t care less about the blessings. I just want God. People will leave me. People will forsake me. People have forsaken me and have persecuted me and taken advantage of my time. My home is found in the peace of God that passes all understanding. And that is all I need. That is all I will ever need. Nothing more and certainly nothing less. I cannot wait to see how deep I get with God. The devil is gonna be in the pit watching me climb out while he looks at the hole he dug himself. In the midst of all this darkness, I will always have light.

She confidently Trusts the LORD to take care of her

Psalm 112:7

 

Wasted Time and Wasted Energy.

It’s important to cherish the time you have with people. I guess I never truly realized that I seriously cherish people’s time. It matters a lot to me when the people I care about, spend time with me. Not just on their terms either. I’ve come to realize a lot of people are truly selfish. Especially their time with me.

I never take advantage of the time I have with people. And I only ask that they do the same…

I guess the only thing I can keep doing is keep cherishing the time I do have with people…

But I really don’t want to. I feel like I’m putting all my energy into people that don’t cherish my time.

2.0 Version Of Me Coming Soon To A Town Near You.

Do something today that your future self will thank you for.

-Unknown

First of all, I know not very many of the people in my life will see this, but I want to apologize for those who saw the old me. God has been dealing with me in certain areas in my life that needs to be changed in myself in order for me to become perfect in my ministry with Him. Today and this whole week actually has really been showing me that I am going through that process of eliminating things that I need to change about myself.

With that quote, I know I need to change somethings about me in order to better myself. I’m focusing on that in order to change those my future self will definitely thank me for. I find myself having a lot of attitude where it’s not necessary. There have been instances where I know I need to watch what I say. I can’t call myself a Christian or Christ like if I’m going around crushing peoples spirits with my words. There’s a scripture that says in Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” I can choose to speak life or death into people’s lives… I am going to work on speaking life. I’m so thankful that I have recognized this in myself so I can prepare for my future. My future ministry, my future husband, my future family, my future church family and my future self. The devil has been trying to steal my joy for awhile and I’m taking it back. God is restoring my joy. I’m honestly really happy right now and I hope it stays this way.

I’m going to start bettering myself. In order for my reputation to proceed what people think, I need to start bettering myself. I’m going to start taking care of my body, drinking more water, going on more walks, working out perhaps, doing hair treatments, washing my face more and continue to eat healthy. Mentally I’m going to start taking care of myself, like, reciting verses that builds me up so I can stop thinking so low of myself. Spiritually I’m going to keep letting God be first in every aspect of my life. Being humbled recently has really taught on the way I treat people and since that has changed dramatically already, I’m hoping that I stop thinking so low of myself… It’s harder than it seems and is way easier said than done. I hate my attitude and it affects the other people around me. And for that, I’m going to start bettering myself and work on my image.

There’s one scripture that comes to mind about all of this is 2 Samuel 16:7 says: “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or the on the height of his stature: because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.” When God sees my heart… What does He see? I’m going to be honest, I think right now or at least yesterday, He would’ve seen not such pretty stuff. I’m really reflecting on my self-image and it needs to change. Right now, where I’m at, people deserve better. And I’m going to change that.

I’m working on myself for myself.

-Unknown