There was something that my mother always taught me while growing up. Never judge a book by its cover. I believe that’s very important when trying to reach a soul or even trying to reach out to someone period. I think that’s why I always have the benefit of the doubt with certain people. Other people might be like “Oh be careful of them” or something out of assumption and ask what I’m doing. That’s why some people ask what I’m doing, and I just say “There’s something beyond what we see. There’s something behind the way they act sometimes. There’s potential there. Or they just don’t want to give people a side of them because not everyone deserves to see that.” Or something super deep. Now, I’m not perfect so there are some that I don’t give the time of day because, well, I want to try and keep my fruits of the spirit so, lets just leave it at that. Now it’s not anyone in specific. But that’s why I always look beyond how they act in a group setting. The scriptures says and what I’ve written in my posts before, in 2 Samuel 16:7 says: “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or the on the height of his stature: because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.” I want to see beyond what other people judge. Some people walk around like they’re important, other people might look at that as “Holier than thou” or “higher than the average” but I choose to recognize and look beyond the cover. That’s why I like taking time out of my day to get past that cover and read the pages. In other words I like getting passed what people judge by only what they see, not by what they know. I don’t like seeing things how man sees things, I want to see things as the Lord sees them. That I believe is a very important process in getting to know people. Beyond the act, beyond the walk that they walk, beyond the talk that they talk. Beyond everything. There’s their stage name, and there’s their real name.
Do something today that your future self will thank you for.
First of all, I know not very many of the people in my life will see this, but I want to apologize for those who saw the old me. God has been dealing with me in certain areas in my life that needs to be changed in myself in order for me to become perfect in my ministry with Him. Today and this whole week actually has really been showing me that I am going through that process of eliminating things that I need to change about myself.
With that quote, I know I need to change somethings about me in order to better myself. I’m focusing on that in order to change those my future self will definitely thank me for. I find myself having a lot of attitude where it’s not necessary. There have been instances where I know I need to watch what I say. I can’t call myself a Christian or Christ like if I’m going around crushing peoples spirits with my words. There’s a scripture that says in Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” I can choose to speak life or death into people’s lives… I am going to work on speaking life. I’m so thankful that I have recognized this in myself so I can prepare for my future. My future ministry, my future husband, my future family, my future church family and my future self. The devil has been trying to steal my joy for awhile and I’m taking it back. God is restoring my joy. I’m honestly really happy right now and I hope it stays this way.
I’m going to start bettering myself. In order for my reputation to proceed what people think, I need to start bettering myself. I’m going to start taking care of my body, drinking more water, going on more walks, working out perhaps, doing hair treatments, washing my face more and continue to eat healthy. Mentally I’m going to start taking care of myself, like, reciting verses that builds me up so I can stop thinking so low of myself. Spiritually I’m going to keep letting God be first in every aspect of my life. Being humbled recently has really taught on the way I treat people and since that has changed dramatically already, I’m hoping that I stop thinking so low of myself… It’s harder than it seems and is way easier said than done. I hate my attitude and it affects the other people around me. And for that, I’m going to start bettering myself and work on my image.
There’s one scripture that comes to mind about all of this is 2 Samuel 16:7 says: “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or the on the height of his stature: because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.” When God sees my heart… What does He see? I’m going to be honest, I think right now or at least yesterday, He would’ve seen not such pretty stuff. I’m really reflecting on my self-image and it needs to change. Right now, where I’m at, people deserve better. And I’m going to change that.
I’m working on myself for myself.
There are many things that I can list that I don’t like about myself. There’s one thing that God has shown me that He wants to change… My attitude. God knows me best and the easiest way to work on that with me, let’s be honest. It’s through a guy. I was seriously humbled last night and it didn’t feel good at all. I’m one to usually get what they want but in this case, God said otherwise. I’m taking this in more graciously than in thought I would but I’m definitely going to isolate myself and curl up in my cocoon when I’m not in the prayer room… God’s doing a work in me. I hope the process is quick and I pray I have an open spirit about it and I accept everything I need to change in myself to become who I need to be.
When you’ve done something wrong, admit it. No one in history has ever choked to death on swallowing their pride.
I’ve been dealing with a lot. God has been bringing me back to certain things that I don’t really want to think about, but in order for my thickheaded skull to get what God is trying to show me, I need to go back to them. I wouldn’t say I don’t like going through them because God shows me where He was which was right beside me, I just needed to be brought back through those past pains to see that. A few people have been noticing I’ve been upset lately and some of the times when I got upset were taken wrong and given an assumption. I admire that this person confronted me about that but I don’t think everything that wanted to be shared was shared. I’ve heard one thing, one minute it seems they care, the next, I’m being told everything is being read into. One thing to know about me is that I don’t play games. I may unintentionally play with your emotions which I’m trying to work on, but I don’t say one thing and do another when it comes to these things. I think there needs to be a little more honesty in this whole thing. There’s some underlying stuff that’s wanting to be said, but it’s not being said but trying to be said? Which doesn’t make any sense. It’s just a little too confusing for me. I’m not sure what’s going on but this person needs to get to the bottom of it. Not me. I’m kind of at that point where I want the truth but I ain’t gonna be honest.
Befriend the man who is brutally honest, for honesty is the highest form of respect.
– Daniel Saint
There’s an old Chinese saying I believe talks about how when clay is broken they use gold to seal the cracks and to be molded back together… Isn’t that the same for us as a human? When we are broken with life situations but we get back up doesn’t it makes us that much stronger? Well… If not, we better start thinking that way…
I was honestly terrified of getting hurt again but God has been dealing with me in that area. I almost feel some sort of freedom from that feeling of being terrified. God has been showing me that even if I do get hurt, He will never leave my side. Even if I do risk the chance of putting myself out there again and getting hurt, God is going to be there when I’m hurting. I’ve been broken many of times, even when it was my fault. God has assured me that when or if it happens again… He is going to be there when I fall. Though I might lay my bed down in hell, He will be right there beside me. Therefore, I’m so done being scared. I don’t want to miss out on the chance of seeing something so beautiful because of my fears of being hurt or getting hurt again… I don’t want to push anyone away or out of my life because I’m scared they might leave. That’s not a way to live life. This world is temporary and so are people, but God is forever and He will sustain me, I need to keep that in mind. If I let fear stop me, wouldn’t that steal my joy? I’m honestly ready for anything that God has in store for me. Even if I do get hurt, it won’t matter in the end cause I’ll get back up. God will shape me the way I need to be molded. I have found that I am being broken to be molded and I want to embrace that journey.
Hey, also as I was typing this out and fixing it up, I was listening to this song and it is perfect for what I’m talking about in this post. Check it out! I actually attend the same college as the girl who made the song. Hope you like it 🙂
In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.
A place where you either find yourself, or lose yourself.
Some people go there to escape pressures of their regular every day life and find yourself. Some people live there and begin to get into the wrong things and learn the hard way that life isn’t all about a walk in the park.
Interestingly enough, I was both. I had a pretty rough upbringing, so therefore where I was from, I hated my life and hated everything about it and everything in it. I lost myself there, and I forgot what is was like on the outside of my little island I called home. I was so wrapped up in how awful I thought my life was that I forgot there was a real world out there. Sometimes people just need to get over themselves and I was one of those people. Life has a lot to offer, and I forgot about that when I was back home. So I went to another part of Alaska to escape my home for awhile and try to find myself again. I was blessed enough to have actually found myself. Even though I was in the same state, I was in a completely different universe and I fell back in love with my life again. Even though I was in such a bad state of mind, I chose to see the beauty of things and people. I think that was because I went further up north with such an open spirit, that it helped me see things in a different way. I’ve done some stupid things in my life and I lived in a very small town and I was trying for the best to change, but people can be very unforgiving… They made me look like a joke for finding my purpose in life and they held everything I did against me. I felt like I couldn’t move on. When I went up north, no one knew what I did, they didn’t know what I’ve done because they didn’t know me, they only saw the new me. Which I think really helped me find myself again. That’s why I love what the scripture says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 There for if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
That’s saying once you commit your life to God, and follow what the scripture says, you are a new person, it doesn’t mean you change your name or anything but it means everything you’ve done wrong, it’s all forgiven.
Have you ever been hurt? Maybe by someone you love, someone who is your friend, someone who didn’t have any intention of hurting you in the first place?
What do you do when someone hurts you? How do you react? Do you let them know? Do you let it eat you up inside and get captivated by the situation? Do you forgive them? Do you let go of what happened? What do you do?
Forgive them. For your sake and for theirs. It’s the best thing to do. If I myself claim to be a good person, what would a good person do? No one wants to walk around and say “Oh I want to be a bad person.” So if you want to claim to be a good person; forgive them. It’s as simple as that. I myself went through something where the person promised they were going to be there in my life and be by my side every step of the way. Things happen and some things change. Unfortunately they’re not by my side anymore. I guess I can’t really be mad at them, but it’s because they’re not there when they said they were going to be. I have no choice but to let them and their promise go. Why? Well, I was talking to my bro, and he said I don’t always have to move on so fast, but I said if I don’t let go, I never will. This is my closure. This is how I’m doing that. This person probably doesn’t even know that I need to move on. I’m too stubborn to call and get the closure I need, so this is the only way I know how. If I learn to just let it go, myself as a person will be free. Please, do not take me wrong, this person is a good person. They are actually an amazing person, like I said before, things happen, and things did in fact happen. I 100% believe that they meant what they said, but this is for the best. Which is where I need to let go…
In order to move on, let go. If you don’t let go, you risk the chance of missing out on the things God has in store for you. You risk the chance on missing out on the next chapter in your life. If you keep going back and rereading the last chapter, it will never turn into the next chapter either. You miss out on the growth that needs to happen in your life. When you decide to let go, you decide to let your mind unlock the prison doors that have trapped your mind. It’s not just for the other persons character and to let them out of bondage, even though they might not know, but in your mind they are are in bondage, but it helps you feel that freedom that you stole from yourself. I want joy back in my life, I need joy back in my life. I feel awful for saying all of this, but I was left in the dark. I already know why we’re not talking now… Apparently they don’t know yet. It’s almost like there’s this void missing and I no longer want to feel that void. How do I get rid of that void? I let go.
I don’t want to let go, but for my sake, I need to.
“One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.”
When I started this blog, I was talking to this guy. He was honestly great. I enjoyed talking to him. It was like I couldn’t go a day without talking to him… I recently had to let him go, and he’s been on my mind lately. He blocked me on Facebook after I had to tell him that I had to let him go. It’s iinteresting how someone was a huge part of your life and now don’t have or want anything to do with it… He helped me fall in love with myself again. He sent me this picture one time after I told him about something that happened with my sister and it had to do with me hating myself because she didn’t like me and he sent me this picture that said “Stay away from people who make it feel like you’re hard to love.” That was when I knew (at the time) that this guy was going to stay in my life for awhile. He inspired me so much, that I started writing again. I was so broken and so hurt for such a long time I let go of my passion. He brought my motivation back to life. I miss him. Even though I have feelings for someone else now, and I’m being called to different path than he is, it still sucks that we got close but I had to leave. He gave me butterflies. Someone accepted me for who I was. He spoke into my life. We talked about getting married for goodness sake. I was planning on legit actually moving to get to know him and just be with him.
Regardless. He’s probably moved on. He is a great guy, he’s handsome. He’s an ex-marine. He was the whole package. I have moved on. But man, I miss him. I know I’m supposed to stay away and I wouldn’t go back. I had to let him go for a reason and I honestly hope he is doing okay. He deserves the best. He’s been pushed around and I just hope he finds the right person for him.
In life…. It’s to be expected that there will come times when you have to face something that will break you. Whether it be someone passing away. Getting fired at a job. Loosing a best friend due to some fight. Or letting go of someone you love dearly…
For me, I had to let go of someone I love dearly. I’ve been told a few times that this is going to a season of me being broken and before I even left for bible college, God has shown me that I need to be broken of a few things. Not necessarily that he had to be taken out of my life, just that I need time to focus on God. Let me tell you, it still is, one of the roughest situations I’ve had to go through. My thinking process is, I have finally found a friend that it’s super easy to have deep talks with. We talked about God like He was going of style (which will never happen, God is always in style). I’ve never gotten close like that with someone and it hurts. It hurts not being able to confide in. Someone I can tell almost anything to. I finally found a best friend. One I could have trusted, one I could’ve counted on to pray for me, to keep me in line when I needed it the most, one to tell me how it is when I didn’t even want to hear it. One to tell me what God spoke to them and be (completely) transparent with me even if they’re scared of judgement from me, they would tell me anyways. At first I was so heartbroken. Then I got angry like “God! Why did you have to do this?! You knew I needed someone like this in my life. You knew that I was scared to open up and have someone come into my life again. You know I don’t like getting close to someone and letting people in. You know I’ve been hurt before, WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME AGAIN?!”
In order for me to trust in God. I have to let everything in my life go. Someone I love as much as I love my best friend, it has to be laid down… I have to be willing to lay them down in order for God to use me the way He wants, I’m not willing to lose God for an idol or not for a best friend. I can’t be willing to put anything before God. Now I’m not going to apologize for turning this blog into one about God, but if you don’t like it, that saddens me. This might be all this blog is about now.
Regardless, in any season, meaning through trials, through tribulations, through your storm, through rough waters, through heartbreaks, God will remain God. It just helps me understand that I need to depend on Him. To lean on Him. To praise Him in good times and to worship Him in rough times. It hurt, it’s gonna suck, it still does suck but I will praise and worship God anyways.
In brokenness, that’s when God will find my beauty. In the book of 1 Samuel 16:7 “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.”
God sees my sacrifice, and He is going to honor it. He sees that all I want is a relationship with Him. That’s what has kept me going. God wants a broken vessel and a willing vessel. Here I am Lord. I am broken, I am willing. Use me. That’s all I want. He finds that beautiful. He sees my heart. He knows I desire Him. My best friend told me even in his deepest state of depression, he still chose to see the beauty in people. That when he saw me he saw I was hurt, but that I chose to stay happy, he saw my beauty. I believe that’s what God sees. Even when I am hurt, and I seek after Him, He calls that beauty. I miss my best friend, I’m praying that God sends me a best friend. One I can depend on, one that I can go to with something and ask for righteous advice. I need a friend…
Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny…
– C.S Lewis
I’m waiting for that destiny, Lord.
Matthew 10:37 He that loveth a father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that that love the son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. 39. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.
I know for a fact that my best friend told my sister to show me those. At least asked about them. Man. I feel awful for letting him become someone I love more than God. How did I get there? I’m still hurt because I got so used to him being in my life that I don’t know how to act without him there. I know it’s not goodbye forever but that’s how I’m thinking because i ain’t getting my hopes up for nothing. Besides, it’s not like he’s struggling like I am. He has a greater calling than I do. God will sustain him and give him peace because he needs it. I’ll get it here at bible college, but I haven’t yet.
If he’s okay. I’ll be okay. I just wish I could tell him everything that’s going on. I miss talking to someone about Jesus.