Where There Is Growth, There Are Flowers.

It’s important to guard your heart. Because that will determine the course of your life.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of, distress lately. I’ve distanced myself from people I thought would be in my corner through the weird times and the bad times. Not only is it important for me to guard my heart with possible interests or people I might like more than a friend. But it’s also very vital that I guard my heart with my friends as well.

There was a time where I wanted and still want to be a better person. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a good person. I may try to be, but I am truly not. So I started praying that God grants me the fruits of the spirit. It’s a hard process but in order for me to be who I want to be who IN GOD. I have to learn to acquire those aspects to be an actual Christian… I’ve come to the realization that I have opened doors that I now cannot shut. With my friends. In some areas I’ve been really honest. But my approach may have seemed to just like call them out just to call them out. No. Those weren’t my intentions. When I do so, I truly believe that they need to work on they way they are in certain areas. But somehow, it seems they think they can just say whatever they want, I have not vocalized that to them, but that is due to the distancing myself… But, what I mentioned about the fruits of the Spirit, one of those is Joy, and if I would continue to be around certain people, that joy would cease to exist. Sometimes, God calls us to lay certain things down and our own beliefs and our own way of doing things, to be a true Christian we have to yearn for a clean heart. You can’t continue to have people getting upset with you, if you do, I know for me, I would want to make things right. I personally aspire to be a true pure Christian. Not only that, but it seems that a lot of my friendships have been one sided. I’ve voiced what I’m feeling, and nothing has been done. I have personally seen a spiritual and a natural growth going on. So I don’t feel I am wrong in this area. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But everyone thinks they’re right, don’t they? Lol that’s how human nature is. We’re selfish. We’re prideful. It’s definitely hard to admit when we’re wrong. Or have to apologize. Which I personally think is pitiful. It’s pathetic. Like I said, I want to be a better Christian. Humbling ourselves, looking for forgiveness. Rising above our current circumstances, meaning, constantly looking for change. We are made to change who we are. Life is a learning process. Learning, means leaving room for failure. We’re too prideful to admit that we’re wrong at times. Helllloooooo. If we were made perfect the world wouldn’t have troubles in the world. Disagreements, wars, fighting. Grief. There would be nothing to worry about if we were perfect.

When I look at a Christian, I look for certain aspects and characteristics one should have.

My question is to ask yourself, what can I do to be a better version of me?

To think you can love God without being changed by Him, is to think you can jump into the ocean and not get wet. To really love Him, you must understand that your life is going to be wrecked by Him, and built again into something beautiful, something lasting.

When you go through trials and tribulations, it is an opportunity for you to grow. – James 1:3.



Asking for the Destination, Not Ready for Take Off.

Watching these past few weeks fly by, I honestly could not imagine everything that has been going on. So many prayers have been answered, my needs have been met. I am being lead and guided the way I should be. Something recently came up about what is going on in my life. I hope this is okay that I am mentioning this, the last time I talked about whatever was going on in my life, it had to do with someone and they were not happy about my thoughts on the matter and putting it on a “public domain.” But here goes nothing…

I have recently acquired a very big interest in someone, and as I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday, something happened with her, that made her realize “Oh dear… I’m an adult.” And I didn’t really think anything of it until I applied it to my life; so back to what I was saying, I have never gotten direction like this, and God had spoke to him about praying about our interest in each other. It has made me realize, that we are both adults, we cannot be messing around and messing with each other’s emotions. We both agree we want God’s guidance and that is what we’re seeking. I’m going to be honest, I’m a little scared, a lot scared actually. I have had my heartbroken so many times, and it only gets worse every time. But, I am also scared of if we hear the word “No.” I have invested a lot of time into this, and a lot of effort to let God change me a mold me to being more equipped in a sense to be around him. Now, not that it’s really of anyone business, but to for arguments sake, I was recently seeing someone, but I am 1,000% convinced God has equipped me to move on. There is a time to dwell and a time to move on, and God granted me the ability to move on. I learned so much about myself and about other people through that particular person, and the fact that the person I am interested in right now is having us do something so much different is an answered prayer in itself, even if the answer is “No.” (Now this person from time to time reads this, in case they do, I don’t want to what I say on here, to influence you at all, what you truly believe hear from God, don’t be scared to share that with me.) For me, seeking guidance from the Most High is so important for me. I do not wish to do something displeasing in His eyes. With this happening as well, it has showed me how changed he is too. I love that fact that he respected me enough to tell me that he felt as though he disrespected me in the flirting with no actual clear judgement of what his intentions were, or are. When a pilot knows he has a required destination, he gets his coordinates before he decides to take off, and in a way, with the mutual flirting, we were both ready to take off with no true destination.

This is just something that has been pressed on me and I could not get away from it, so I did what I do best, I write.

God always gives His best to those who leave Him with the choice.

Highly Favored

There have been quite a few things on my mind, again. There is a reoccurring theme with those around me. Here it is:

Why do we determine our matter of importance on other people?

There was a messaged preached yesterday during chapel that my college offers. You still matter to God. It does not matter where your family came from, where you came from, whoever did not want you. You still matter to God. It is time we realize who we are in God.

I was talking to a very good friend of mine, and they said something like it does not matter if someone thinks you matter or not. Did you not hear today’s message? They’re right. One thing that I have been letting affect me, is that, I let my worth reside in the sights of others. I’ve been pretty confused about something lately and it’s been awkward and now, I am being down on myself because, I have realized I let my self worth fall on other people. For instance, if it seems like I do not matter to them, then I will believe I do not matter. I find my worth in other people… That’s not right. I let people affect me so much. I don’t know why. When people tell me I’m amazing, I ask why. Why does it matter how I am? I never believe people when they tell me I am amazing. I just never do. Is it because the way I grew up? Believing and seeing nothing when I look in the mirror because I was not cared for all that much growing up? Why do we as people let other people affect who we are and how we determine ourselves? Just because something has not been working out for two days, I begin to question what is wrong with me and what my self worth is? Am I worth anything? Am I even good enough? I don’t know… That goes with everyone in my life.

But as I was walking across this long parking lot, I was starting to get a headache because I was thinking so much about my self worth and what was going on. Like; what did I ever do? Did I do anything wrong? What is wrong with me? I mean, something might be wrong with me, but until said otherwise, I gotta stop.

Every Step of the Way

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. A lot about my past. A lot about my past loves, a lot about my memories with them. But more than anything, a lot about myself.  I was actually looking at my own blog and reading the one with the title of “Chapter 21.” And it had me thinking, what if, God has been writing a Autobiography or something like narrating my life of (she who should not be named, me).

What would my first year of life be like? How would He be writing about me? Would He be writing:

“Chapter 1: She just took her first steps today. I know what her future holds, and that is one to many big steps she’s going to take. I cannot wait to see her grow up. My beautiful daughter I am always with you, every step of the way.” As one of my good friends would say, “that’s my baby girl.”

Chapter 5, she’s waking up for her first day of school. She is growing up so fast. These are her steps into taking the next journey in her life. I still see everything she is going to be in Me one day. I love her so much. It brings me great joy when I see her turn her life to Me one day. She’s so intelligent, she doesn’t even realize it. That’s my baby girl. I hope she feels me right next to her every step that she takes.”

“Chapter 10. I hope my baby girl knows how much I love her. She’s not doing too well in school, I just would hope that she knew that I was there right beside every step of the way. It breaks My heart that she thinks so low of herself and that she is not doing the best she could in life right now. I just want to tell her but now isn’t the time yet. I’m still with you, every step of the way, baby girl.”

“Chapter 15. I know exactly what she is doing. Even when she is walking late at night, all those bears and all those men who were seeking after her in the late hours of the night, I’m protecting her. I have had my hand in her life since the day I went on that Cross. I knew her before she was in the womb. I love you, my darling. Hang in there. Daddy is by your side every step of the way.”

“Chapter 16. Please don’t do this. I know life is tough. Especially yours. I am still here my darling. I have greater things planned for you than what you are thinking. I know you feel like you do not belong here on the earth that I created. I have made you to do great things in this life. I know you feel unworthy to live life with everyone, but I do not want you to go down that path. That is not the path I created you for, my dear. I love you. You are coming with Me very soon. You will be seeing every step that I have been with you. Just wait.”

“Chapter 20. Oh, my dear. Ever since the first step you took when you were 16, I was so  excited to see you take the first steps on our journey together that you can actually see. I created you for better things, My love. Since you are feeling very down on yourself, I will send you someone that will help you along the way. You need to fall in love with yourself, just as I have. Eugene will help you. Let him help you. I am with you every step of the way, do not forget that if this falls through, that I am with you every step of the way.”

“Chapter 21. Oh, my dear, love. You have come so far. You have learned so much in just one year. Now you have answered a call (you) never thought you would take. I know this hurts. I know it is causing you to be weary. But in your weakness I am made strong. I am living in you, therefore you have My strength living inside you. Rest upon that. I am so very proud of you. I will restore your virtue. So do not worry. I am still with you every step of the way. 

One thing that God has given me. Is He has showed me the times He has stepped into certain situations. Maybe not every situation yet. But a lot of them. As I was sitting here on a night where everyone was out having fun, I was spending a little bit of time with the Lord. I was sharing my hurt. I was sharing my pain. I was sharing my thoughts. I was sharing moments that I had cherished with Him tonight. Now I know why I was meant to stay here.

My future is in God’s hands. He has been with me every step of the way. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

not my will, but (His) be done.

A toast, to you. The one who helped me fall in love with myself again.

Dear, Flynn Ryder.

I hope you haven’t forgotten about me, at least the things you have done for me. I haven’t forgotten about you. That’s for sure.

Around this time last year, I didn’t want to live here on earth any longer. So I signed up for this thing called MeetMe. I was honestly just wanting people to talk to because of my loneliness and isolation. I stumbled across you on the secret admirers thing and I hearted you because I saw your smile and this adorable black German Shepherd you were holding. My philosophy is, if they like dogs and dogs like them, they’re a keeper. You had messaged me shortly after you guessed who your secret admirer was, and after I sent you friend request, you said “Hi, friend :)” That was the start to our journey to where ever it is that we ended up in the end before the end, if that makes any sense. From then on, we knew we were interested in each other. We began to flirt and you had begun to lift me up without me even realizing it. You have helped me in such a way that still affects me to this day. Around this time last year I was on the verge of going insane; maybe not literally, but I was close to losing myself, that’s for sure. You had began to help me see the good in myself. As someone who grew up looking at themselves in the mirror and seeing nothing, having someone as great as you were to me, be so good to me, helped me see the beauty in future potential spouses, and helped me see the beauty within me. The beauty that I do in fact hold. It wasn’t easy to think of myself in such a low way when you were in my life, and I am forever grateful. I remember this one time I was talking to you about my relationship with my sister and it wasn’t a good relationship with her at the time and I remember you sending me a message before you started your day, you sent me this picture, and it said “Stay away from people who make it feel like you’re hard to love.” And that was after only one or two weeks of talking, if I remember correctly. You had brought back to life something in me that I believed died a long time ago. I 100% believe that you were a God send and that I was supposed to have that embarrassing website to stumble across you. I don’t regret one minute ever speaking to you. In fact, everything we talked about, I was totally planning to do everything I said I was going to. I do not doubt for one second that everything people were telling me were true. I did want you in my life. I did. If I had it my way you would still be apart of my life. I wouldn’t even be here at bible college or in Alaska, I would be in Oregon, making things work out with you. The moral of me writing this, is I miss you. I appreciate you. And I am always praying for you. I want the best for you Flynn. You gave me the best, and I wish I could have done the same for you, but God has called me on a different path that we can’t share together. Maybe perhaps one day. One thing I realized, is I am still caught up on you, it’s been difficult to move on from the memories of you. I know to a lot it may have seemed like I moved on just fine, I may be fine, but I do miss you. That’s one thing I did absolutely not want to let go of. And the reason I am finally writing this (it’s the only way I know how to do so properly.) is because I found this picture that basically describes everything you said to me in one picture. It’s below in the quote section. I could have loved you, it was a potential love that I would have pursued if I had not given my life to God. I’m sorry if you hate me, resent me, are bitter toward me and never want to hear or speak of or to me ever again. Just know, you answered my “All Heroes Please Apply.” I am eternally grateful, and I could never repay you for what you have done for me.

All my love,


“Stop apologizing. You don’t have to say sorry for how you laugh, how you dress, how you make your hair, how you do your makeup, how you speak. You don’t have to be sorry for being yourself. Do it fearlessly. It’s time to accept: this is you, and you gotta spend the rest of your life with you. So start loving your sarcasm, your awkwardness, your weird habits, your unique sense of humor, your voice, your talents, your everything. It will make your life so much easier.” – postivezone on IG

Chapter 21.

Have you ever wondered about your existence? Like literally were caught in a moment after you said something and no one heard or perhaps it was your birthday and say it wasn’t made a big deal? Yeah. That’s been me these past few weeks.

Growing up, birthdays were never a big deal. For me. And I guess I didn’t realize what I wanted til I didn’t have it. It’s a weird feeling wanting to feel important but not knowing how to react to being treated like I am special and important.

There were a select few people that did help me feel special and I am forever grateful. Also. For my birthday, I got the closure I needed. So in what that was my birthday present. I talked to D’s mom and it gave me so much clarity. She gave me peace of mind, it was a really good conversation. I was not going crazy. I knew what was going on in the whole situation and I didn’t feel like I was the one who did everything wrong. We both did wrong and we need to learn from it. To be honest about our feelings and not run off our emotions.

On the other hand, I found out who my real friends are. My twin brought me to get coffee with her man who also wanted to celebrate my birthday along with A and R. A and R also brought me to Chick-Fil-A. Then that night Sammyedy Sam brought me to iHop with one of my greatest friends and we skipped curfew. Lol those people matter to me.

This was a week full of revelation and clarity.

I want to change my thoughts of who I am. I’m going to stop being so unsure of who I am. I’m going to leave room for mistakes and not be so hard on myself. Failure leaves room for learning. I’m going to lay my pride aside and learn to love learning. I’ve made mistakes. Sure. But I’m not going to stay stuck on them just because it hurts and I’m ashamed. I’m ready for a new chapter in life. I’ve lost many people in my life due to them leaving. I’m gonna be okay with that.

If you lose someone and find yourself, you’ve won.

One Sheep, Two Sheep. One Blessing, Many Blessings, Count Your Blessings.

Things have been quite interesting in my life lately.



GOD IS S T I L L GOOD. My God provides because today and great friend of mine sent money into my account without me asking at all. I was in AMAZEMENT!!! My bill is like $7,000 behind, but, if I put down like $1,000 I’ll be on track to stay here at college… I know God can do it. He will do it in Jesus name. I was shaking so bad when my friend sent that money. I was in complete shock! I still can’t get over it.

And even though I was just venting about everything, I still want to recognize that God is good. I still have many blessings. One thing I learned from D, was that he still counted his blessings even though it was a bad day. Or at least he showed me that I have a roof over my head, I have clothes on my back. I was pretty stubborn, so if I learned anything, it was to be less stubborn and to be nicer. I would also like to recognize that I love people so much now… When I came back to school, I forgot how much I love seeing everyone. God has been doing a TREMENDOUS work in my life and in me. I can’t wait to see what this year holds and what God has in store! I am so excited to see what God is going to do this year it keeps me up at night. Well… That too and coffee 😉 It is always important to remember the good things happening or the good things that have happened when we’re in bad times or hard troubled waters.

“You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. You’re human, you are not perfect. You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive. think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breath, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt, for we will never know what it is waiting for us just around the bend.”

“Your mind will always believe everything you tell it. Feed it faith. Feed it truth. Feed it with love. “

Glass Half Full Kinda Woman

Life has its many ups and downs. But I’ve come to the realization that you decide your own happiness. For the first time in my life, I feel like I’ve finally learned that. My man friend, or how ever you would like to put that, have put things on hold? I’m not really sure what’s going on there… but it feels like it’s over. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But in 2017 I had my my heart broken too many times. 2018, I choose not to walk around like my heart is broken. God has granted me a peace that passes all understanding. I’m happy. And with everything else going on… I might not be able to register for my classes… School starts Wednesday and I’m starting to wonder how everything is going to turn out. But besides everything that’s going on. I honestly should be freaking out, but I’m not. I’m choosing happiness. To better myself. To become what I need to become. I’m looking forward to the new year… I don’t have to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow worries about itself. 2018 is going to be a great year. Life is too short to expect a bad day or even a bad year. The glass is half full ladies and gentleman. And it’s tasting good. New year, better me. 

Dear self, 

This is going to be your year. So dust off your boots and let’s get started.

-all my love, 


Becoming A Beautiful Addition To A Beautiful Bouquet 

God has been teaching me a lot. I see a lot of change happening in me. God had been using D to change me and make me realize  (without force) realize the change that needs to happen in me. My wall of stubbornness is being broken down. I need to learn to love the molding process. It hurts and it sucks, but I need to learn to fall in love with the process. I never want God to stop working on me & in my life. My good friend (who had me level headed tonight and God used them to put me at ease and peace) said that this thing going on with D; me pushing him away and him accepting it, has me torn me a little, it’s said to be a growing pain… It is a part of the growing process. Growth means blooming. I am becoming the beautiful flower apart of God’s beautiful bouquet. And in order for flowers to grow, there needs to be rain. And baby, it’s been pouring down rain. 

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely, undone. The shell cracks, it’s insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction. -Cynthiana Occeli 

Catch on fire if you must, sometimes everything needs to burn to the ground so that we may grow. – a.j lawless 

We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are. – Max Depree 

Praying For The Best…

Whenever people tend to get close to me, I’m not sure why, but I end up shutting everyone out, and just end up not talking to anyone. I unfortunately, it seems as though I have done that once again. It’s really my own fault though… Every time, I have had someone get close, something always happens to where they leave, and I think I was just expecting it to happen again. I feel as though I don’t deserve the best. I guess I just started listening to the lies of the enemy and everything just got overwhelming and when there are too many emotions going on, I shut them off… To the point where I don’t feel anything. Don’t talk to anyone. Because, why would anyone care?

I’m not sure why I screw good things up, or make them worse.

I don’t know what I’m doing…

I just hope things turn out okay.