I was trying to get my sister to say she didn’t like me today. I am not sure why I do that to myself. I was packing my stuff for going up north. And i was trying to search for something to read. and I found the one book on this planet that I feel like I can relate to. There was this poem in there about the main guy had put in there.
“Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Chops”
because that was the name of his dog
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X’s
and he had to ask his father what the X’s meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it
Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Autumn”
because that was the name of the season
And that’s what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it “Innocence: A Question”
because that was the question about his girl
And that’s what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle’s Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly
That’s why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it “Absolutely Nothing”
Because that’s what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn’t think
he could reach the kitchen.”
That was the first time I had cried like that, in a very long time. I had begin to think about everything that made me want to cry. The number one thing, was that I had given up something that was the only thing that made it seem worth to live for. Or more like someone. I cannot help but feel like I could have kept them longer. It’s almost like every since I had let that person go, I have been trying to find that person again, in anyone that has given me the correct attention. I don’t want that. If anything, I should be reserving myself and my feelings. Until the right one comes along. I feel pathetic for not being able to let go. At least until now. As I had began to try and search for you yet again, I had started asking myself “What if he’s happy? What if he’s married? Will it break my heart? Or make me happy?” If there is anyone else besides my mom to be happy, it is him. Why would I want to deprive anyone from that? Then I thought about it, am I an awful person? For being that selfish to want someone to be unhappy and miss me as much as I had missed them? Yes. The answer is yes, I am an awful person for hoping someone is as unhappy as I am. Oh dear God, that is awful. That is such an awful thing to wish upon someone, especially as unhappy as I am. That would actually make me the epitome of scum. So, I cried. I feel somewhat better and I feel like I have some pressure off. I’m kinda glad though because If felt like every time of thought of him, that, I was reliving the breakup every time. I’m hope I’m over it.
the one n only. 