Becoming A Beautiful Addition To A Beautiful Bouquet 

God has been teaching me a lot. I see a lot of change happening in me. God had been using D to change me and make me realize  (without force) realize the change that needs to happen in me. My wall of stubbornness is being broken down. I need to learn to love the molding process. It hurts and it sucks, but I need to learn to fall in love with the process. I never want God to stop working on me & in my life. My good friend (who had me level headed tonight and God used them to put me at ease and peace) said that this thing going on with D; me pushing him away and him accepting it, has me torn me a little, it’s said to be a growing pain… It is a part of the growing process. Growth means blooming. I am becoming the beautiful flower apart of God’s beautiful bouquet. And in order for flowers to grow, there needs to be rain. And baby, it’s been pouring down rain. 

For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely, undone. The shell cracks, it’s insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction. -Cynthiana Occeli 

Catch on fire if you must, sometimes everything needs to burn to the ground so that we may grow. – a.j lawless 

We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are. – Max Depree 

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Praying For The Best…

Whenever people tend to get close to me, I’m not sure why, but I end up shutting everyone out, and just end up not talking to anyone. I unfortunately, it seems as though I have done that once again. It’s really my own fault though… Every time, I have had someone get close, something always happens to where they leave, and I think I was just expecting it to happen again. I feel as though I don’t deserve the best. I guess I just started listening to the lies of the enemy and everything just got overwhelming and when there are too many emotions going on, I shut them off… To the point where I don’t feel anything. Don’t talk to anyone. Because, why would anyone care?

I’m not sure why I screw good things up, or make them worse.

I don’t know what I’m doing…

I just hope things turn out okay.

Coming Boldly Unto The Thone

 

I know how to depend on God. That is what I have been doing. My home is finding rest in God. He has taught me so much this semester. The one thing is His praise will continually be on my lips. No matter what I go through God will sustain me. I may talk to people about what I’m going through but that’s so they can help me in prayer and agree with me in prayer about whatever it is I’m going through. You can’t teach people anything. That’s one thing I have learned. I know what I need to do and I am doing that. I have found someone that is truly a good friend. She made me pull myself together. There’s nothing wrong with needing friends. I have not had a lot in my life, I now know that I have had God working in my life ever since my first memory. Even before that. But it is not bad to confide in friends. He has showed me throughout this semester that He is never going to leave me. As long as I keep His commandments and things that are pleasing in His eyes, He will give me the extra blessings. To be honest, the blessings aren’t what I want. I couldn’t care less about the blessings. I just want God. People will leave me. People will forsake me. People have forsaken me and have persecuted me and taken advantage of my time. My home is found in the peace of God that passes all understanding. And that is all I need. That is all I will ever need. Nothing more and certainly nothing less. I cannot wait to see how deep I get with God. The devil is gonna be in the pit watching me climb out while he looks at the hole he dug himself. In the midst of all this darkness, I will always have light.

She confidently Trusts the LORD to take care of her

Psalm 112:7

 

Wasted Time and Wasted Energy.

It’s important to cherish the time you have with people. I guess I never truly realized that I seriously cherish people’s time. It matters a lot to me when the people I care about, spend time with me. Not just on their terms either. I’ve come to realize a lot of people are truly selfish. Especially their time with me.

I never take advantage of the time I have with people. And I only ask that they do the same…

I guess the only thing I can keep doing is keep cherishing the time I do have with people…

But I really don’t want to. I feel like I’m putting all my energy into people that don’t cherish my time.

2.0 Version Of Me Coming Soon To A Town Near You.

Do something today that your future self will thank you for.

-Unknown

First of all, I know not very many of the people in my life will see this, but I want to apologize for those who saw the old me. God has been dealing with me in certain areas in my life that needs to be changed in myself in order for me to become perfect in my ministry with Him. Today and this whole week actually has really been showing me that I am going through that process of eliminating things that I need to change about myself.

With that quote, I know I need to change somethings about me in order to better myself. I’m focusing on that in order to change those my future self will definitely thank me for. I find myself having a lot of attitude where it’s not necessary. There have been instances where I know I need to watch what I say. I can’t call myself a Christian or Christ like if I’m going around crushing peoples spirits with my words. There’s a scripture that says in Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” I can choose to speak life or death into people’s lives… I am going to work on speaking life. I’m so thankful that I have recognized this in myself so I can prepare for my future. My future ministry, my future husband, my future family, my future church family and my future self. The devil has been trying to steal my joy for awhile and I’m taking it back. God is restoring my joy. I’m honestly really happy right now and I hope it stays this way.

I’m going to start bettering myself. In order for my reputation to proceed what people think, I need to start bettering myself. I’m going to start taking care of my body, drinking more water, going on more walks, working out perhaps, doing hair treatments, washing my face more and continue to eat healthy. Mentally I’m going to start taking care of myself, like, reciting verses that builds me up so I can stop thinking so low of myself. Spiritually I’m going to keep letting God be first in every aspect of my life. Being humbled recently has really taught on the way I treat people and since that has changed dramatically already, I’m hoping that I stop thinking so low of myself… It’s harder than it seems and is way easier said than done. I hate my attitude and it affects the other people around me. And for that, I’m going to start bettering myself and work on my image.

There’s one scripture that comes to mind about all of this is 2 Samuel 16:7 says: “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or the on the height of his stature: because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.” When God sees my heart… What does He see? I’m going to be honest, I think right now or at least yesterday, He would’ve seen not such pretty stuff. I’m really reflecting on my self-image and it needs to change. Right now, where I’m at, people deserve better. And I’m going to change that.

I’m working on myself for myself.

-Unknown

Being Humbled By The Most High

There are many things that I can list that I don’t like about myself. There’s one thing that God has shown me that He wants to change… My attitude. God knows me best and the easiest way to work on that with me, let’s be honest. It’s through a guy. I was seriously humbled last night and it didn’t feel good at all. I’m one to usually get what they want but in this case, God said otherwise. I’m taking this in more graciously than in thought I would but I’m definitely going to isolate myself and curl up in my cocoon when I’m not in the prayer room… God’s doing a work in me. I hope the process is quick and I pray I have an open spirit about it and I accept everything I need to change in myself to become who I need to be.

When you’ve done something wrong, admit it. No one in history has ever choked to death on swallowing their pride.

-Unkown

Honesty is the Best Policy.

I’ve been dealing with a lot. God has been bringing me back to certain things that I don’t really want to think about, but in order for my thickheaded skull to get what God is trying to show me, I need to go back to them. I wouldn’t say I don’t like going through them because God shows me where He was which was right beside me, I just needed to be brought back through those past pains to see that. A few people have been noticing I’ve been upset lately and some of the times when I got upset were taken wrong and given an assumption. I admire that this person confronted me about that but I don’t think everything that wanted to be shared was shared. I’ve heard one thing, one minute it seems they care, the next, I’m being told everything is being read into. One thing to know about me is that I don’t play games. I may unintentionally play with your emotions which I’m trying to work on, but I don’t say one thing and do another when it comes to these things. I think there needs to be a little more honesty in this whole thing. There’s some underlying stuff that’s wanting to be said, but it’s not being said but trying to be said? Which doesn’t make any sense. It’s just a little too confusing for me. I’m not sure what’s going on but this person needs to get to the bottom of it. Not me. I’m kind of at that point where I want the truth but I ain’t gonna be honest.

Befriend the man who is brutally honest, for honesty is the highest form of respect.

– Daniel Saint

Golden cracks.

There’s an old Chinese saying I believe talks about how when clay is broken they use gold to seal the cracks and to be molded back together… Isn’t that the same for us as a human? When we are broken with life situations but we get back up doesn’t it makes us that much stronger? Well… If not, we better start thinking that way…

I was honestly terrified of getting hurt again but God has been dealing with me in that area. I almost feel some sort of freedom from that feeling of being terrified. God has been showing me that even if I do get hurt, He will never leave my side. Even if I do risk the chance of putting myself out there again and getting hurt, God is going to be there when I’m hurting. I’ve been broken many of times, even when it was my fault. God has assured me that when or if it happens again… He is going to be there when I fall. Though I might lay my bed down in hell, He will be right there beside me. Therefore, I’m so done being scared. I don’t want to miss out on the chance of seeing something so beautiful because of my fears of being hurt or getting hurt again… I don’t want to push anyone away or out of my life because I’m scared they might leave. That’s not a way to live life. This world is temporary and so are people, but God is forever and He will sustain me, I need to keep that in mind. If I let fear stop me, wouldn’t that steal my joy? I’m honestly ready for anything that God has in store for me. Even if I do get hurt, it won’t matter in the end cause I’ll get back up. God will shape me the way I need to be molded. I have found that I am being broken to be molded and I want to embrace that journey.

Hey, also as I was typing this out and fixing it up, I was listening to this song and it is perfect for what I’m talking about in this post. Check it out! I actually attend the same college as the girl who made the song. Hope you like it 🙂

 

In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.

-Andrea D.

Hauntingly beautiful…

Alaska.

A place where you either find yourself, or lose yourself.

Some people go there to escape pressures of their regular every day life and find yourself. Some people live there and begin to get into the wrong things and learn the hard way that life isn’t all about a walk in the park.

Interestingly enough, I was both. I had a pretty rough upbringing, so therefore where I was from, I hated my life and hated everything about it and everything in it. I lost myself there, and I forgot what is was like on the outside of my little island I called home. I was so wrapped up in how awful I thought my life was that I forgot there was a real world out there. Sometimes people just need to get over themselves and I was one of those people. Life has a lot to offer, and I forgot about that when I was back home. So I went to another part of Alaska to escape my home for awhile and try to find myself again. I was blessed enough to have actually found myself. Even though I was in the same state, I was in a completely different universe and I fell back in love with my life again. Even though I was in such a bad state of mind, I chose to see the beauty of things and people. I think that was because I went further up north with such an open spirit, that it helped me see things in a different way. I’ve done some stupid things in my life and I lived in a very small town and I was trying for the best to change, but people can be very unforgiving… They made me look like a joke for finding my purpose in life and they held everything I did against me. I felt like I couldn’t move on. When I went up north, no one knew what I did, they didn’t know what I’ve done because they didn’t know me, they only saw the new me. Which I think really helped me find myself again. That’s why I love what the scripture says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 There for if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

That’s saying once you commit your life to God, and follow what the scripture says, you are a new person, it doesn’t mean you change your name or anything but it means everything you’ve done wrong, it’s all forgiven.

 

Trapped in a Prison of Hurt.

Have you ever been hurt? Maybe by someone you love, someone who is your friend, someone who didn’t have any intention of hurting you in the first place?

What do you do when someone hurts you? How do you react? Do you let them know? Do you let it eat you up inside and get captivated by the situation? Do you forgive them? Do you let go of what happened? What do you do?

Forgive them. For your sake and for theirs. It’s the best thing to do. If I myself claim to be a good person, what would a good person do? No one wants to walk around and say “Oh I want to be a bad person.” So if you want to claim to be a good person; forgive them. It’s as simple as that. I myself went through something where the person promised they were going to be there in my life and be by my side every step of the way. Things happen and some things change. Unfortunately they’re not by my side anymore. I guess I can’t really be mad at them, but it’s because they’re not there when they said they were going to be. I have no choice but to let them and their promise go. Why? Well, I was talking to my bro, and he said I don’t always have to move on so fast, but I said if I don’t let go, I never will. This is my closure. This is how I’m doing that. This person probably doesn’t even know that I need to move on. I’m too stubborn to call and get the closure I need, so this is the only way I know how. If I learn to just let it go, myself as a person will be free. Please, do not take me wrong, this person is a good person. They are actually an amazing person, like I said before, things happen, and things did in fact happen. I 100% believe that they meant what they said, but this is for the best. Which is where I need to let go…

In order to move on, let go. If you don’t let go, you risk the chance of missing out on the things God has in store for you. You risk the chance on missing out on the next chapter in your life. If you keep going back and rereading the last chapter, it will never turn into the next chapter either. You miss out on the growth that needs to happen in your life. When you decide to let go, you decide to let your mind unlock the prison doors that have trapped your mind. It’s not just for the other persons character and to let them out of bondage, even though they might not know, but in your mind they are are in bondage, but it helps you feel that freedom that you stole from yourself. I want joy back in my life, I need joy back in my life. I feel awful for saying all of this, but I was left in the dark. I already know why we’re not talking now… Apparently they don’t know yet. It’s almost like there’s this void missing and I no longer want to feel that void. How do I get rid of that void? I let go.

I don’t want to let go, but for my sake, I need to.

“One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.”

Brigitte Nicole