Hauntingly beautiful…


A place where you either find yourself, or lose yourself.

Some people go there to escape pressures of their regular every day life and find yourself. Some people live there and begin to get into the wrong things and learn the hard way that life isn’t all about a walk in the park.

Interestingly enough, I was both. I had a pretty rough upbringing, so therefore where I was from, I hated my life and hated everything about it and everything in it. I lost myself there, and I forgot what is was like on the outside of my little island I called home. I was so wrapped up in how awful I thought my life was that I forgot there was a real world out there. Sometimes people just need to get over themselves and I was one of those people. Life has a lot to offer, and I forgot about that when I was back home. So I went to another part of Alaska to escape my home for awhile and try to find myself again. I was blessed enough to have actually found myself. Even though I was in the same state, I was in a completely different universe and I fell back in love with my life again. Even though I was in such a bad state of mind, I chose to see the beauty of things and people. I think that was because I went further up north with such an open spirit, that it helped me see things in a different way. I’ve done some stupid things in my life and I lived in a very small town and I was trying for the best to change, but people can be very unforgiving… They made me look like a joke for finding my purpose in life and they held everything I did against me. I felt like I couldn’t move on. When I went up north, no one knew what I did, they didn’t know what I’ve done because they didn’t know me, they only saw the new me. Which I think really helped me find myself again. That’s why I love what the scripture says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 There for if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

That’s saying once you commit your life to God, and follow what the scripture says, you are a new person, it doesn’t mean you change your name or anything but it means everything you’ve done wrong, it’s all forgiven.



Trapped in a Prison of Hurt.

Have you ever been hurt? Maybe by someone you love, someone who is your friend, someone who didn’t have any intention of hurting you in the first place?

What do you do when someone hurts you? How do you react? Do you let them know? Do you let it eat you up inside and get captivated by the situation? Do you forgive them? Do you let go of what happened? What do you do?

Forgive them. For your sake and for theirs. It’s the best thing to do. If I myself claim to be a good person, what would a good person do? No one wants to walk around and say “Oh I want to be a bad person.” So if you want to claim to be a good person; forgive them. It’s as simple as that. I myself went through something where the person promised they were going to be there in my life and be by my side every step of the way. Things happen and some things change. Unfortunately they’re not by my side anymore. I guess I can’t really be mad at them, but it’s because they’re not there when they said they were going to be. I have no choice but to let them and their promise go. Why? Well, I was talking to my bro, and he said I don’t always have to move on so fast, but I said if I don’t let go, I never will. This is my closure. This is how I’m doing that. This person probably doesn’t even know that I need to move on. I’m too stubborn to call and get the closure I need, so this is the only way I know how. If I learn to just let it go, myself as a person will be free. Please, do not take me wrong, this person is a good person. They are actually an amazing person, like I said before, things happen, and things did in fact happen. I 100% believe that they meant what they said, but this is for the best. Which is where I need to let go…

In order to move on, let go. If you don’t let go, you risk the chance of missing out on the things God has in store for you. You risk the chance on missing out on the next chapter in your life. If you keep going back and rereading the last chapter, it will never turn into the next chapter either. You miss out on the growth that needs to happen in your life. When you decide to let go, you decide to let your mind unlock the prison doors that have trapped your mind. It’s not just for the other persons character and to let them out of bondage, even though they might not know, but in your mind they are are in bondage, but it helps you feel that freedom that you stole from yourself. I want joy back in my life, I need joy back in my life. I feel awful for saying all of this, but I was left in the dark. I already know why we’re not talking now… Apparently they don’t know yet. It’s almost like there’s this void missing and I no longer want to feel that void. How do I get rid of that void? I let go.

I don’t want to let go, but for my sake, I need to.

“One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.”

Brigitte Nicole

Going back to what I lost.

When I started this blog, I was talking to this guy. He was honestly great. I enjoyed talking to him. It was like I couldn’t go a day without talking to him… I recently had to let him go, and he’s been on my mind lately. He blocked me on Facebook after I had to tell him that I had to let him go. It’s iinteresting how someone was a huge part of your life and now don’t have or want anything to do with it… He helped me fall in love with myself again. He sent me this picture one time after I told him about something that happened with my sister and it had to do with me hating myself because she didn’t like me and he sent me this picture that said “Stay away from people who make it feel like you’re hard to love.” That was when I knew (at the time) that this guy was going to stay in my life for awhile. He inspired me so much, that I started writing again. I was so broken and so hurt for such a long time I let go of my passion. He brought my motivation back to life. I miss him. Even though I have feelings for someone else now, and I’m being called to different path than he is, it still sucks that we got close but I had to leave. He gave me butterflies. Someone accepted me for who I was. He spoke into my life. We talked about getting married for goodness sake. I was planning on legit actually moving to get to know him and just be with him.

Regardless. He’s probably moved on. He is a great guy, he’s handsome. He’s an ex-marine. He was the whole package. I have moved on. But man, I miss him. I know I’m supposed to stay away and I wouldn’t go back. I had to let him go for a reason and I honestly hope he is doing okay. He deserves the best. He’s been pushed around and I just hope he finds the right person for him.

Being broken to become beautiful.

In life…. It’s to be expected that there will come times when you have to face something that will break you. Whether it be someone passing away. Getting fired at a job. Loosing a best friend due to some fight. Or letting go of someone you love dearly…

For me, I had to let go of someone I love dearly. I’ve been told a few times that this is going to a season of me being broken and before I even left for bible college, God has shown me that I need to be broken of a few things. Not necessarily that he had to be taken out of my life, just that I need time to focus on God. Let me tell you, it still is, one of the roughest situations I’ve had to go through. My thinking process is, I have finally found a friend that it’s super easy to have deep talks with. We talked about God like He was going of style (which will never happen, God is always in style). I’ve never gotten close like that with someone and it hurts. It hurts not being able to confide in. Someone I can tell almost anything to. I finally found a best friend. One I could have trusted, one I could’ve counted on to pray for me, to keep me in line when I needed it the most, one to tell me how it is when I didn’t even want to hear it. One to tell me what God spoke to them and be (completely) transparent with me even if they’re scared of judgement from me, they would tell me anyways. At first I was so heartbroken. Then I got angry like “God! Why did you have to do this?! You knew I needed someone like this in my life. You knew that I was scared to open up and have someone come into my life again. You know I don’t like getting close to someone and letting people in. You know I’ve been hurt before, WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME AGAIN?!”

In order for me to trust in God. I have to let everything in my life go. Someone I love as much as I love my best friend, it has to be laid down… I have to be willing to lay them down in order for God to use me the way He wants, I’m not willing to lose God for an idol or not for a best friend. I can’t be willing to put anything before God. Now I’m not going to apologize for turning this blog into one about God, but if you don’t like it, that saddens me. This might be all this blog is about now.

Regardless, in any season, meaning through trials, through tribulations, through your storm, through rough waters, through heartbreaks, God will remain God. It just helps me understand that I need to depend on Him. To lean on Him. To praise Him in good times and to worship Him in rough times. It hurt, it’s gonna suck, it still does suck but I will praise and worship God anyways.

In brokenness, that’s when God will find my beauty. In the book of 1 Samuel 16:7 “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.”

God sees my sacrifice, and He is going to honor it. He sees that all I want is a relationship with Him. That’s what has kept me going. God wants a broken vessel and a willing vessel. Here I am Lord. I am broken, I am willing. Use me. That’s all I want. He finds that beautiful. He sees my heart. He knows I desire Him. My best friend told me even in his deepest state of depression, he still chose to see the beauty in people. That when he saw me he saw I was hurt, but that I chose to stay happy, he saw my beauty. I believe that’s what God sees. Even when I am hurt, and I seek after Him, He calls that beauty. I miss my best friend, I’m praying that God sends me a best friend. One I can depend on, one that I can go to with something and ask for righteous advice. I need a friend…

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny…

– C.S Lewis

I’m waiting for that destiny, Lord.

Being humbled

Matthew 10:37 He that loveth a father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that that love the son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. 39. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

I know for a fact that my best friend told my sister to show me those. At least asked about them. Man. I feel awful for letting him become someone I love more than God. How did I get there? I’m still hurt because I got so used to him being in my life that I don’t know how to act without him there. I know it’s not goodbye forever but that’s how I’m thinking because i ain’t getting my hopes up for nothing. Besides, it’s not like he’s struggling like I am. He has a greater calling than I do. God will sustain him and give him peace because he needs it. I’ll get it here at bible college, but I haven’t yet.

If he’s okay. I’ll be okay. I just wish I could tell him everything that’s going on. I miss talking to someone about Jesus.

I’ll be okay.

I’m so thankful for how far I’ve come. I’m especially thankful for how far my best friend has come. We haven’t been talking and he’s doing what he needs to do in order to get closer with God.

I love him. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. He needs to get closer with God so I will let him do what he needs to do and let him be my Isaac.

Feelings got caught up and we got so invested in that, that we lost focus. Gotta keep my eye on the prize.

For the words I cannot express by speaking them.

My mother said that I have one of those personalities that people are drawn to. Sometimes. I find that hard to believe. My words get the best of me. I fail. And that’s what I hate the most. I don’t wanna fail. One thing that came to mind today that after I messed up. My best friend, why? Here’s why. There were some things that he shared with me early this morning that I don’t know how to cope with. Have you ever been literally frozen? From the words someone was speaking? And shaking because you just didn’t know what was going to happen. That was me… like an idiot I didn’t say anything. I just cried and well didn’t know how to take his complement…

But anyways… He trusted me with a side of himself that only God has seen. I’ve always been the one to confide. Or I’ve been trying to search for someone to confide in my whole life. Last night, I was that person for him. He confided in me. He trusts me. To be honest that scares me. Because I don’t want to fail him. I love him so much. I laid him down as a sacrifice. I told God “I don’t want anyone to get in my way and my walk with you. I will lay it all down if you need me too. I will do anything for you because you died for me. If this is what you want keep this heaviness on my chest and don’t let me leave this pew. If you don’t want him as a sacrifice, lift this off me and overwhelm me with peace. And that he is just now getting serious with God and that I can’t get in his way” He told me that it’s okay. And that we need each other. I didn’t know what that meant because my best friend is one of the most independent people I’ve ever met… He doesn’t need me. If anything. I’m the one who needs him. I still don’t know if he even needs me. He might. Wait why am I trying to question God?

(Reader. Don’t think I’m crazy. Because I’m not. Bear with me.)

I don’t think my best friend realizes how much I love him as well. There were many times I took him up the mountain… I don’t think he understands either. He’s much easier at using his words than I am so I’m writing them out because I can never say them out loud sometimes. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because whenever I talk. I always got shut down when I was a kid… I wish I could. But this is the best way I know how to get them out. He’s been trying to teach me to talk and I’ve been trying. Hopefully he’ll make me. He might even see this. Either way.

I am so thankful for where God has us right now. It brings me so much joy and it gives me peace knowing I can go to someone when I need it.

Looking for someone to confide in.

I’ve done a lot of wrong in my life. And I still do wrong every day… today it’s being held against me hard… I messed up. It may not be a big deal to most of you but man is it eating at me tonight. As I lay my head down to sleep, my heart feels heavy and I can’t breath that well. I’ve been kind of freaking out about something and a few minutes ago it was a joke between people, but I’m honestly freaking out and am currently crying about it. I tend to think too hard about a lot of things. It’s kind of the way I am. I try not to but it just usually ends up happening. I’m trying to watch my favorite movie but it’s not even helping. I just wish certain things never happened. Because if they didn’t. I wouldn’t be worried about it right now. I’d be fine. Have you ever thought about a bad situation you were in? Or like a certain person you regret dating? That feeling you get and you try and shake off the feeling? Thinking it’ll go away when you shake? I don’t like feeling dumb… no one does. It leaves me feeling almost empty. I don’t like making mistakes either again, no one does. I feel like I may have gotten too close to someone and have gotten too dependent and I feel pretty ridiculous waiting for them to text back… I feel stupid and like a burden. But man do I need a friend right now. One who will give me righteous advice and look out for my well being and tell me that all these insecurities are wrong and I need to stop. I’m having a rough night and I’m about to confide I someone I shouldn’t be confiding in…. Lord help me…

There was a preaching I listened to.. they said you can’t rebuke what entertains you….. What entertains me seems pretty comforting right now.

True friends…. where ya at??

A true friend will be your candle in the dark, your hope when it’s gone and takes away your pain when it hurts.

Turning over a new leaf.

I’ve had a life changing journey that I took when I went up north this summer. My thoughts are different, my mind has changed and I no longer think the world would be better off without me. I have found that void that my heart was missing and it was the Jesus void. I found that Jesus wasn’t truly hidden in my heart, He wasn’t the center of my attention like the way it should be in my life. I have fallen in love with Him again and I have fallen back in love with my life again. I’ve also fell in love with all those people around me. People have taught me so much, like fruits of the spirit, living life in the moment, and how to be a good friend. I cannot express how much I love my life, friends family and Jesus.

You guys… I’m finally happy.