Honesty is the best policy.

I’m back at it again with the thoughts that have been haunting me for over two years now. I have no idea what to do with my life. I’m sort of in a tough pickle right now dealing with going to see my best friend, I should’ve left two weeks ago when I could’ve. I am not currently working so I’m basically living off my mother and sister. I feel embarrassed and pathetic. I was never pushed or motivated in the right directions on what to do with my life and my future. I’m stuck, and in a very awkward place. I have two trips coming up this summer and want to add another one to go see a new found friend that I’m dying to see. UGH. So basically, I could have left here to go further up north to see my best friend, but my sister wanted me to stay for her man coming up from their college to meet the family. I am beyond stressed out with trying to plan out my future. There’s this camp thing at the end of June that I’ll be going too as well, I’d only have a month or so to get a job and only get two paychecks for my time there. Maybe I will just stay in up there then fly to where my “brother” is in August. Maybe that’s what I’ll do. I don’t know. Then I have to come back home because I depart from here down to Indiana for my big trip at the end of July. I’d only have a job for like two and a half months. That’d be like four and half paychecks. I’m stressing, I’m stressing big time…. Again, if you pray, please pray for me my name is Mychal pronounced (My-kell). If you don’t, well, root for me through the computer screen… Another thing that’s bothering me is all the attention I think I need. I just crave it and I hate that about myself. I seriously feel bad for the guy who I end up with if I ever get a guy to settle down. I’m going to need all the attention in the world or want to be left alone. No in between. Like ugh. Sometimes I think there’s a lot wrong with me. But I have been talking to a few people about that and they have been giving me peace of mind about that and that I’m single and it’s okay as long as I’m not toying with people’s emotions which I haven’t been, they’ve just been extra friendly. There’s one particular person whose attention I do want though. I talked to him today about how I’m feeling with all of this him mostly. That’s the thing about me, when I get fed up with life, I mean I’m already a pretty honest person, but when life just is handing me too much the stuff I think just kind of pours out. We got on that subject of me being honest when it gets like this I become super honest. I mentioned that if I were to be honest more so than I already am, my mother would kick me out, I’d be homeless and I’d be left high and dry and he would run away from me. He got nosy and said “I wanna know why I would run away from you”

So I was straight up with him about almost everything. He’s never a serious guy, so I know he doesn’t like talking about serious things. Every time something serious comes up, it turns into a joke and he avoids the subject, which is fine I don’t mind, it’s just kind of his defense mechanism. He’s dealt with a lot and has seen a lot. But it’s just I’ve been keeping a lot in about the serious stuff and I was honest with him. He. Still. Hasn’t. Replied. I’m low-key freaking out because honestly, the best thing that has happened to me, except finding God. He’s very important to me and I care a lot about this guy and hope & pray he doesn’t go running, that’ll crush me if he does, but if it does, the heartbreak would be worth it. I’m not in love, no. But my heart is invested, my thoughts are invested. Everything going so smoothly with this though, and the feelings and our flirting. It’s never happened to me. We’ve both have said that same thing and he said he hasn’t like anyone for 6 years. It’s something else to think that you’ve changed that persons mind. He does care about me oh and he loved the poem I sent him. So there’s that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THOUGH, I shouldn’t need this much attention from one guy. But I crave it. Is that silly? I hope not. So the feelings of pathetic can go away.

Scenarios or expectations?

Am I the only person that comes up with scenarios in their head? That’s a rhetorical question. Surely there are more of us out there. We should have a group, where we share our scenarios with others and we can all discuss it. I have a lot I need to share and get out of my head, kind of like a song. It’ll keep replaying in your head until you either sing the whole song out loud or you play the song itself OR both. Maybe they won’t get out of my head until I finally discuss them out loud. I know that’s a long shot and plus I wouldn’t be down for sharing with anyone because they might think I’m crazy. Let me share a little bit of the gist for ya. I have this “dating” app called MeetMe… I haven’t been using it for a little bit mainly because well, let’s be honest I found someone I wanna talk to for a bit. It was flirtatious at first, when we’re on the phone it’s still a little flirty, okay, a lot flirty, but now texting is just kinda casual. That’s not even the point. Anyways, on this app, you can choose certain tags that you take interest in or to show your personality a little more like if you’re Religious you’d use that one for your profile, or my two favorites Dogs and Military. I always come up with scenarios that I’d meet a guy either in the military like active duty or a veteran. I know, typical… I don’t care. I LOVE a guy in a uniform or one who used to rock one. We would fall in love via social media, which is this day in age kind of love factor. We would fall in love and run off and get married. I personally don’t see kids in my future, so we would just focus on us and what we want. I’m willing to admit that I’m a selfish person and that I wouldn’t want to have a kid because I want to do a lot of stuff and see the world. I have a bucket list that I plan on fulfilling as well. Having kids is for people who want a family, but I just don’t think I could see myself as a parent. My mother always says, it’s not about your plan, it’s about God’s plan for you. Sure, yeah… But like really. It wold take A LOT to get me to want children. SO on that note, we would have the rest of our lives to check off everything we’ve always wanted to do. I’d move to wherever they were because I have been wanting to move from my small town. I’m ready to move any given time.

I know what you’re thinking, this girl is crazy. Maybe I am, but oh well. I’ve got God on my side ladies and gents. He’ll guide me through it all. I know that like 100% of this might not ever happen but the optimist side of me wants to believe it can. You never know. But what are the chances of all of this happening. I mean I’d be willing compromise. We can adopt…….. A rescue dog. Or like 10. Either or. I’d settle for 3. Isn’t it crazy to think that there’s someone out there that doesn’t want kids. I’m 20 and my mind hasn’t changed since I was 10. That’s 10 years of that. I mean, that’s pretty strong ya know. From all of this, I guess you can say that I feel a little guilty for not wanting little minions running around the house. But the bigger picture I see, it’s a cruel world out there. Drugs are skyrocketing and so are murders. The bible also says that in the end times, good things shall be bad, and bad things shall be good. It’s in Revelations. I wouldn’t want my kids growing up thinking something is good even though morally it’s bad. I wouldn’t want to worry if my kid is going to end up being either a stripper or a prostitute addicted to drugs and possibly selling themselves for their addictions. I wouldn’t want my kids going through hell on earth. Of course if I ever do end up pregnant, I would follow through with it and stick it out. Maybe I would meet the right guy who would help me want to have babies with him.  Second there are people in this world who are psycho and find their victims online, so I can never know if they’d be either crazy or overly controlling. And that they’d be the perfect guy. I need the right amount of laughter and the right amount of  seriousness. I’d need the right amount attention and the right amount of independence. They’d have to deal with my weirdness 24/7. They would have to be okay with the fact that I don’t want kids and in fact, let’s make it so that they don’t want kids either. They would ask for nothing but my presence and myself. Maybe a kid… Who knows, I still feel a little guilty… These are my thoughts on a daily basis, just thought I’d share with what was on my mind today.

Be with someone who thanks God for you.

Life is to friggin’ short.

Life is too short.

  • Life is too short to be rude all the time.
  • Life is too short to be irritated all the time.
  • Life is too short to play games with those you care about the most.
  • Life is too short to PLAY ALONG with those games.
  • Life is too short to throw a pity party.
  • Life is too short to be stubborn.
  • Life is too short to be prideful.
  • Life is too short to be sad all the time.
  • Life is too short not to appreciate those you have around you.
  • Life is too short for being unforgiving.
  • Life is too short to dwell on the past and letting it stop you from your present and future.
  • Life is too short to only focus on your career.
  • Life is too short to not follow your plan either.
  • Life is too short not to see the world while we have a chance.
  • Life is too short not to say “I love you” to those you really do love.
  • Life is too short not to spend the night with your best friend. You could lose them at any second of any given day.
  • Life is too short not to face your fears.
  • Life is too short to believe you’ll be okay being alone…
  • Life is too short not to stand up for what you believe in.
  • Life is too short to be a hypocrite.
  • Life is too short to be bitter.
  • Life is too short going about the world thinking everyone owes you something. Nobody owes you anything and neither does the world.
  • Life is too short to spend it with negative people (lift them up & tell em to stop).
  • Life is too short to hold all your feelings in.
  • Life is too short to spend it uptight all the time.
  • Life is too short for us to not to enjoy the great day God granted us.
  • Life is too short not to enjoy the garden.
  • Life is too short to spend it scared of anything new.
  • LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE A RUDE PERSON.

I had a rough encounter with someone today and it changed my perspective on her and myself. I’m telling ya people, please. Love your family, be civil towards them if you don’t like them. It’s truly an awful feeling that I don’t want to be around them sometimes because our encounters aren’t always great… I own up to my faults and I am trying to change for the better, so please don’t see me as a hypocrite. We all are sometimes, right? I hope so. We gotta get out of the mentality of “it’s a dog eat dog world.” No, those are lies. We were not made to walk this earth alone, my friends. Sure there are some people out there who just drive you nuts, but there’s always that someone out there who is going to bug you. There are some out there for me too. I wish and pray that my feelings change and that her attitude changes too. I want my sister back. Because it honestly seems like that is not my sister anymore. I have no idea who this person is sometimes… Lord help both of us.

Again, life is too short to be bitter, angry and sad all the time. Find your passion. Find what motivates you. Find the things that make you happy to get out of bed in the morning, mine is coffee. 😉 Look for and find the things that make YOU happy. And not sad, or bitter or angry. Those are my thoughts for today.

I miss you.

I came across this song tonight it’s currently 2am and I sitting on my bed crying. I can’t help but think about my best friend  and myself…

My best friend died when I was 6 years old and I witnessed the whole thing. It’s almost like a movie, it keeps replaying in my head and it won’t stop tonight. It was the day after Christmas and I got all geared up and got my snow suit on and my thick gloves and big ol’ boots on. I was ready to go outside and I asked my mother to go outside and sled to play with my best friend. She was irritated that I was already dressed so she said no. I of course being six years old not being able to play outside got upset and stormed out and to the side of the house where you can see the neighbors hill perfectly where he was sledding.  There was a lot of snow because it was the middle of winter. My best friend was on his inter tube. There’s a big hill across the street. He was sledding down the hill that you can see perfectly. His sister who was watching him turned around to talk on the phone with her boyfriend My best friend didn’t see the truck coming as he went down the hill. He fell off the sled & it flew across the street while the wind was knocked out of him he couldn’t move. The truck kept driving & the truck driver didn’t see him either. His head got ran over & he died on the way to the hospital. I still hear the cries of his sister and his mother. My mother also watched what happened and whipped me up and brought me back inside. I being the stubborn child I am knew what happened and wanted to go see if my best friend was okay. He wasn’t. Now please, spare me the “That was such a long time ago… Get over it.” I’ve had a few people say that to me and it broke me and I honestly wanted to sock them in their bitter faces. No matter how old I am, being that young and seeing something like that. You never forget. Ever. I miss him terribly tonight and how this song relates to me. Well here it is… At the age of 15 and 16 I wanted to commit suicide. Not a lot of people know that about me, but yes. The people I have told and the most recent person I’ve told was Flynn, and he seemed a little shocked and someone as important as me shouldn’t have been that sad. At least that’s what I got from what he was saying. It is surprising to some people. In some ways what I saw when I was 6 has to do with some of those thoughts and feelings. I feel like that should’ve been me on the inter tube. Maybe if I was on there… I would’ve seen the truck coming. Maybe if it was me instead of him, I wouldn’t have caused so much trouble for my family, at least they made it seem like I was causing stress and was being a nuisance to their lives. But I now know thinking all of that now, it would’ve been hell on earth for them if they lost me. Just like it is for my best friends family. I told a friend recently those thoughts have crept up on me again. They sent me this song and said “If I have to cry to this song because you left me… I will punch you in the after life”

That broke my heart to think I would ever leave my friends and family. It also let me know I am lucky to be alive to have people care that much about me and be so angry with me about taking my own life, they’d come to me in the after life.

Now I want you to know, first I would never do anything to harm myself because I wouldn’t do that to my family. Second, I know people care about me and I am ever so grateful for them. I won’t ever put them through what I went through that. Third… You are not alone. I love you. And I care for you. If there is any way you need to contact anyone, hit me up. I’ll respond as soon as possible. There are just some days when I feel the world would be better off without me. I’ve been spiritually attacked since that day. Mentally, I’m attacked and these things happen. I’ve always thought that. It’s an awful thing to go through life like that. But I don’t want to hide from these feelings because I did run from these feelings for a long time and it almost brought me to where my best friend is. I have a lot on my mind right now and it took me a long time to type this… It’s now 3:30 am and I’m not even close to tired. The tears in my eyes have been keeping me awake. I know this is a really heavy post, but in the first part of my page, this is my diary. And this is how I’m feeling. I apologize if this song makes you cry like it did me. Because of this song, I now feel like showing my appreciation to everyone in my life. I ask you do the same.

I honestly wanted to stay in bed…

But then this song came on.

You’ve got something I need. Yet another song I’m in love with. Why am I a closeted romantic? This song fits exactly everything. I’ll make it in life if I find that someone who has something I need. I didn’t watch the music video actually… I mostly just care about the lyrics.

Life is too short to be playing games with the ones you want in your life. Life is also too short to to play along to other people’s games. I have a hard time believing people these days because I’ve been screwed over a lot. I’m a pretty girl and I have a good heart and I found it difficult to think people would do what they’ve done. But it’s done and there nothing I can change about that. I am ready to move on. Any volunteers? Not really. Lol

Tell me, am I crazy to want love and want someone at 20 years old? I hope not. I want someone who gets the same feelings as me. I’ve been going crazy lately imagining what it could be like if I found my soul mate right now. Maybe I’ve already met them and it’s just gonna take time. I hope they’d feel what I feel. Someone as obsessed with me as I am obsessed with them (not in stalker psycho type of way or a questionable way but a healthy way “look at my babe go” type of way).

I want to conquer life with someone. I’m a lonely person and I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I’m done being lonely. I want someone that we can raise a dog together. I want someone who will climb the mountain we call life together. Bring it on. I don’t care if I’m not ready. I’ll make myself ready.

I have a little too much time on my hands.

I was scrolling through Facebook and to be honest I am a lonely person and that’s why I honestly I have, like a dating app…. but whatever. As I was scrolling through Facebook, I came across this picture.

This picture hit home so hard. I was almost brought to tears, because my whole like I always felt life I’d end up alone with like 10-15 rescue dogs. I always felt like I was and really, still feel unwanted. A lot of unusual things have happened and I shouldn’t even be surprised and I still don’t get surprised, but there’s always apart of me that chooses to believe in the best possible outcome. I will still believe in that side or at least a good outcome. But This photo represents what I want.

My favorite one is the last one of the photo…

I want to fall in love with someone who looks at me and knows they don’t want anyone else. I crave that kind of love. I crave that kind of relationship. There are some people who do really love a person but there’s just something missing in their relationship that they crave and search for (not anyone in particular, I’ve just watched it happen) and I don’t want that. Every part of me, is everything they’ve wanted.

Now I know I have flaws and that there are somethings I should and will change, but that’s all apart of the process of becoming who you want to be for that future someone. I’ve had a lot on my mind, and in my last entry… Something needs to be done, I’m having the self-reflection process happening. Would I be ready for that commitment and that type of relationship? My answer right now is no, I wish I would be ready but I am not. I don’t have my life figured out yet and I need to start if I would want that type of relationship at all. Not even soon, just someday. I need to get it together and start focusing on the life I want, and I am ready to start doing that. I’m also going to include this song on here because my GBF just showed me this song and I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG and I feel like it fits what I’m talking about. Enjoy 🙂

THIS

Something needs to be done

I need to do something with my life…

I am 20 years old and I haven’t taken life on fully and I need to. I’ve never been pushed or motivated as a kid, and I remember asking for help with my homework and was told they didn’t have time for that and that was when I decided not to care either. I was only 7, so cut me some slack. I honestly barely graduated… It was embarrassing thinking that I barely passed and I felt like I didn’t deserve to graduate. I honestly would love to become a Physiologist and help those who need help and look for it. But I don’t know if I could do it. I think it’d be a lot easier to do it somewhere else. I’m just nervous to fail again I guess. My mother is considering moving down to Oregon and if she does, I’m following her. I’m done with this state and ready to move. I have other family in Washington but I’m not sure if I want to move near them but who knows? Maybe I could. I’m just not sure. I really just kind of want a superhero come and swoop in and take me in as their housewife. Huge cop out. I know. I’ve always said I’m going to have a sugar daddy but not an old one. Lol. No I do work hard, and I know I would be an awesome Physiologist, but not sure my transcripts would show through and get me that scholarship. I feel completely lame and I am in need of a friend, but I am letting people text me first for the most part and no longer want to bother people more than I already am. Lord help me. I need some hopeless shoulder to cry on or at least complain on.

Fire burning in my heart.

I am so done. I have this feeling that I am bothering everyone.

I can’t shake the feeling. I get like this every now and then. It sucks and I can never shake it. I’m not sure what’s going on though. It’s best if I just stay away from everyone right now. That’s why my internet is turned off on both tablet and phone and my phone is airplane mode… I bug people too much and I need to just stop, take a step back and breath. It’s not anything anyone else did, I just get like this. As long as I can remember, that’s how it’s been, well that’s how I’ve been. I hope that the people I talk with can understand and have patience with me. I am starting to see how insecure I am and that needs to stop because it’s a lie and I need to look at myself in a new light. I’m trying.

I told my brotha from anotha mother about this specific person who been having an impact on my life and it was a great conversation and my bro said he doesn’t blame him because I’m an easy person to talk to. I need to get it together and stop being so darn insecure because I shouldn’t be. I need stop thinking the world would be better off without me. I’ve always felt and thought that because honestly, I do think the world would be better off without me but my two best friends have told me multiple times that they have no idea where they’d be without me and the other said I was “Soul food” as my nickname on messenger. I am important. I am needed and I am wanted.  Being mentally beaten down from my youngest memory to the age of 15. It can really mess with a person, and I still struggle with it to this day. My sisters always get mad at me for “bringing up their past” but their past, still affects me TODAY. So most of the time to avoid them getting butt-hurt and getting mad at me talking about what I’m going through to save their feelings and our relationship, I just keep my mouth shut. I guess you can say there’s a little resentment. I can’t just “brush it off” because if I do, then I’ll suppress those feelings. It’s not healthy to keep things in, right?

It’s already difficult for me to express what I’m feeling because I freeze up and can never find the words to fully help the other person understand because I never really go to anyone in the first place, unless it’s through a screen, because it’s way easier to type it out than to say it out loud. Back to my point… I never really go to anyone because every time I do try, they don’t get it and misunderstand and almost always get upset, or tell me to brush it off. This is what happens when I brush it off, I suppress those feelings, and when you shake a soda bottle too much, it’ll explode because all that carbon is being held in. Then, you have Coca Cola all over the floor and things get sticky and it takes a little bit to clean up. It leaves stains and it leaves things sticky. I guess they might have a point, but if it bothers me, it matters, right? Maybe not all the time and not every little thing, no. But some things maybe they do matter.

 My phone is still on airplane mode and I will be perfectly okay with not feeling like a bother to anyone for the rest of the week to be honest. I’m going to just let people message me first, because if they wanted to talk to me, they would. That’s where I’m at with myself to be honest. It’s not anything anyone has done. It’s myself and what I go through every few months or so. For now, I’m going to watch the MTV Awkward, drink some water and laugh at the funny moments. Then take the month of May on like a boss while I sip my coffee and better myself because that’s what I deserve and that’s what I need. Now please, don’t get me wrong I love everyone who has been trying to be there for me. I still care for you and I still appreciate you. So don’t you worry. All I ask is for patience during my time of change.

I really hope that one day someone will know when I’m not really okay and I say I’m okay. Because I am stubborn and I am very prideful when it comes to looking weak. That’s what I look for in my future husband to be honest, I will marry them if they know when I’m truly upset or bothered because let me tell you, I’m a good actress, I used to want to be one and why do you think that is? I can pretend I’m the happiest person, but be super upset deep down and I need someone who can look past that and sit down with me and ask me what’s wrong and continue sitting with me until I can finally express what in the world is going on with me. Or even when I’m quiet, when I’m quiet, that’s a dangerous place to be in for me because, my thoughts are much louder than my voice can be when I’m quiet. So, along with all heroes please apply, all “hubby’s” please apply.

Only those who care about you can hear you when you’re quiet.

Only want what’s best for the best

You wanted me to say something and give you advice. If you want away from her, stand your ground and stick to what you told her the other night. Otherwise she won’t take you seriously and she won’t leave you alone. Do what you gotta do, block her number, be rude if you have to so she’ll hear you. I can’t do anything. The best I can do is encourage you to go forward with you stopping her and what she’s doing.

You gotta make up your mind if you want her to have this evil hold on you and continue falling for her charm. Or if you’re done with her toying with you and using you to get what she wants.

Self absorbed people only care about what they want in that moment and have no respect or regards to anyone else.

Figure out what you want… And go for it.

Figure out what you don’t want and put an end to it.

Only you can get yourself away from her and out of this.

Sincerely,

Rapunzel.