My mother said that I have one of those personalities that people are drawn to. Sometimes. I find that hard to believe. My words get the best of me. I fail. And that’s what I hate the most. I don’t wanna fail. One thing that came to mind today that after I messed up. My best friend, why? Here’s why. There were some things that he shared with me early this morning that I don’t know how to cope with. Have you ever been literally frozen? From the words someone was speaking? And shaking because you just didn’t know what was going to happen. That was me… like an idiot I didn’t say anything. I just cried and well didn’t know how to take his complement…
But anyways… He trusted me with a side of himself that only God has seen. I’ve always been the one to confide. Or I’ve been trying to search for someone to confide in my whole life. Last night, I was that person for me. He confided in me. He trusts me. To be honest that scares me. Because I don’t want to fail him. I love him so much. I laid him down as a sacrifice. I told God “I don’t want anyone to get in my way and my walk with you. I will lay it all down if you need me too. I will do anything for you because you died for me. If this is what you want keep this heaviness on my chest and don’t let me leave this pew. If you don’t want him as a sacrifice, lift this off me and overwhelm me with peace.” He told me that it’s okay. And that we need each other. I didn’t know what that meant because my best friend is one of the most independent people I’ve ever met… He doesn’t need me. If anything. I’m the one who needs him. I still don’t know if he even needs me. He might. Wait why am I trying to question God?
(Reader. Don’t think I’m crazy. Because I’m not. Bear with me.)
I don’t think my best friend realizes how much I love him too. There were many times I took him up the mountain too. I don’t think he understands either. He’s much easier at using his words than I am so I’m writing them out because I can never say them out loud sometimes. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because whenever I talk. I always got shut down when I was a kid… I wish I could. But this is the best way I know how to get them out. He’s been trying to teach me to talk and I’ve been trying. Hopefully he’ll make me. He might even see this. Either way.
I am so thankful for where God has us right now. It brings me so much joy and it gives me peace knowing I can go to someone when I need it.