Have you ever found yourself in the zone listening to your music, imagining what your life would be like if it were about that one specific song? And you catch yourself smiling like the guy you want to marry makes your heart and stomach flutter? As I was riding on the airplane yesterday, I was listening to my Spotify playlist called “Love” and all the songs playing I couldn’t help but catch myself in those moments where I was imagining scenarios from the songs that were playing… have you ever heard of that saying “It’s a blessing and a curse to feel everything, oh so deeply”
I started crying because, man. Do I feel something good happening inside me, but it scares the heck outta me to feel something like this. I guess I’m scared because every time I’ve confronted this feeling or whatever it is, I have been turned away, and turned down. Yes, no one likes rejection, but when it happens more often than normal… You start to think that it might be your fault, and your problem. You’re just not good enough. You’re not what they’re looking for, or they have found someone perfect better. You wouldn’t think I would be that type of person to be so insecure when it comes to that. But yet, here I am. So as I was crying I started praying that it would happen, that every scenario would come true. How amazing would that be? I can’t even… I get so excited, then those insecurities come back creeping in on your joy. It’s hard not to listen to them when the person you’re thinking of, doesn’t show the same kind of affection as you do. Or at least you think. As a woman, I tend to overthink things. That’s normal, but what is it about woman that we’re so insecure and we need validation. Is it a sign of weakness? I personally feel like it is. I could be wrong. As long as I can remember, I wanted to be needy, but haven’t wanted to seem needy. Y’all get me? I’m at a crossroads where, should I follow through with those feelings? The feeling of my heart fluttering along with my stomach. I can definitely understand why men say woman are so indecisive. We really are, like I want to be needy but I also don’t want to feel like I need validation from this person who makes me feel so special. He’s really helped me feel worthy again. For the longest time, I’ve felt unworthy, unlovable, unlike able even.
Now I’ve realized I don’t need that validation though, because it has always been in me the whole time.