I’m figuring out a lot about myself these past couple of months.
First, my attitude needs to change, like yesterday… It’s been making it uneasy to be around some people because they can’t handle my attitude and it’s been making me feel like I am not a good person to be around and in fact a difficult person to be around. I don’t want to be known as someone who some people just cannot tolerate because of how nasty my attitude is. Which I am basically already there.
Second, I am one of the most needy people I’ve ever met especially with people that I like and care for so much. Not necessarily in a romantic way, but even with my best friends. It’s honestly a little pathetic and I have definitely got to take a step back or find someone who feels the same way, romantically or platonic. Whichever comes first.
Third, some things about my personality… I feel like it’s too easy for me to be able to drop someone so easily, if they’ve done me wrong in a huge way, that’s it. You’re done. And I can move on like there’s no tomorrow which makes me a little uneasy, and especially want to watch my patience on my end because what if it is something that I’ll regret getting mad over? What will I do then if I want to go back and apologize for overreacting and they want absolutely do not want anything to do with me. I would feel silly and embarrassed that I was so quick to just turn around and walk away.
Fourth, it scares me that I can be so trusting and so involved in someone whom I don’t know completely. It scares me but at the same time it’s kind of exciting. It’s never been like this before and it has had me really vulnerable lately which isn’t a good feeling for me. I’ve never been one to show vulnerability and look like I need help and attention. It’s very different for me. This feeling and everything, it’s almost like I crave that feeling now. It’s like if I don’t have it, I gotta have it type of thing. To be honest this is new territory for me and I hope and pray that they are patient with me. I would honestly be crushed if it turned out that all of this was some sort of joke and everything. This is all just some sort of confusing and unknown territory for me. I’m not sure what to do or where to go.
Life is all about a learning process and I feel like I’m still in school because of the learning part. With all the relationships (romantic & platonic) I feel like I put in more effort than I should and it’s making me feel like a needy person and that I need to back off. Which would not be a bad idea if we’re being honest.