I’m back at it again with the thoughts that have been haunting me for over two years now. I have no idea what to do with my life. I’m sort of in a tough pickle right now dealing with going to see my best friend, I should’ve left two weeks ago when I could’ve. I am not currently working so I’m basically living off my mother and sister. I feel embarrassed and pathetic. I was never pushed or motivated in the right directions on what to do with my life and my future. I’m stuck, and in a very awkward place. I have two trips coming up this summer and want to add another one to go see a new found friend that I’m dying to see. UGH. So basically, I could have left here to go further up north to see my best friend, but my sister wanted me to stay for her man coming up from their college to meet the family. I am beyond stressed out with trying to plan out my future. There’s this camp thing at the end of June that I’ll be going too as well, I’d only have a month or so to get a job and only get two paychecks for my time there. Maybe I will just stay in up there then fly to where my “brother” is in August. Maybe that’s what I’ll do. I don’t know. Then I have to come back home because I depart from here down to Indiana for my big trip at the end of July. I’d only have a job for like two and a half months. That’d be like four and half paychecks. I’m stressing, I’m stressing big time…. Again, if you pray, please pray for me. If you don’t, well, root for me through the computer screen… Another thing that’s bothering me is all the attention I think I need. I just crave it and I hate that about myself. I seriously feel bad for the guy who I end up with if I ever get a guy to settle down. I’m going to need all the attention in the world or want to be left alone. No in between. Like ugh. Sometimes I think there’s a lot wrong with me. But I have been talking to a few people about that and they have been giving me peace of mind about that and that I’m single and it’s okay as long as I’m not toying with people’s emotions which I haven’t been, they’ve just been extra friendly. There’s one particular person whose attention I do want though. I talked to him today about how I’m feeling with all of this him mostly. That’s the thing about me, when I get fed up with life, I mean I’m already a pretty honest person, but when life just is handing me too much the stuff I think just kind of pours out. We got on that subject of me being honest when it gets like this I become super honest. I mentioned that if I were to be honest more so than I already am, my mother would kick me out, I’d be homeless and I’d be left high and dry and he would run away from me. He got nosy and said “I wanna know why I would run away from you”
So I was straight up with him about almost everything. He’s never a serious guy, so I know he doesn’t like talking about serious things. Every time something serious comes up, it turns into a joke and he avoids the subject, which is fine I don’t mind, it’s just kind of his defense mechanism. He’s dealt with a lot and has seen a lot. But it’s just I’ve been keeping a lot in about the serious stuff and I was honest with him. He. Still. Hasn’t. Replied. I’m low-key freaking out because honestly, the best thing that has happened to me, except finding God. He’s very important to me and I care a lot about this guy and hope & pray he doesn’t go running, that’ll crush me if he does, but if it does, the heartbreak would be worth it. I’m not in love, no. But my heart is invested, my thoughts are invested. Everything going so smoothly with this though, and the feelings and our flirting. It’s never happened to me. We’ve both have said that same thing and he said he hasn’t like anyone for 6 years. It’s something else to think that you’ve changed that persons mind. He does care about me oh and he loved the poem I sent him. So there’s that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THOUGH, I shouldn’t need this much attention from one guy. But I crave it. Is that silly? I hope not. So the feelings of pathetic can go away.