I came across this song tonight it’s currently 2am and I sitting on my bed crying. I can’t help but think about my best friend  and myself…

My best friend died when I was 6 years old and I witnessed the whole thing. It’s almost like a movie, it keeps replaying in my head and it won’t stop tonight. It was the day after Christmas and I got all geared up and got my snow suit on and my thick gloves and big ol’ boots on. I was ready to go outside and I asked my mother to go outside and sled to play with my best friend. She was irritated that I was already dressed so she said no. I of course being six years old not being able to play outside got upset and stormed out and to the side of the house where you can see the neighbors hill perfectly where he was sledding.  There was a lot of snow because it was the middle of winter. My best friend was on his inter tube. There’s a big hill across the street. He was sledding down the hill that you can see perfectly. His sister who was watching him turned around to talk on the phone with her boyfriend My best friend didn’t see the truck coming as he went down the hill. He fell off the sled & it flew across the street while the wind was knocked out of him he couldn’t move. The truck kept driving & the truck driver didn’t see him either. His head got ran over & he died on the way to the hospital. I still hear the cries of his sister and his mother. My mother also watched what happened and whipped me up and brought me back inside. I being the stubborn child I am knew what happened and wanted to go see if my best friend was okay. He wasn’t. Now please, spare me the “That was such a long time ago… Get over it.” I’ve had a few people say that to me and it broke me and I honestly wanted to sock them in their bitter faces. No matter how old I am, being that young and seeing something like that. You never forget. Ever. I miss him terribly tonight and how this song relates to me. Well here it is… At the age of 15 and 16 I wanted to commit suicide. Not a lot of people know that about me, but yes. The people I have told and the most recent person I’ve told was Flynn, and he seemed a little shocked and someone as important as me shouldn’t have been that sad. At least that’s what I got from what he was saying. It is surprising to some people. In some ways what I saw when I was 6 has to do with some of those thoughts and feelings. I feel like that should’ve been me on the inter tube. Maybe if I was on there… I would’ve seen the truck coming. Maybe if it was me instead of him, I wouldn’t have caused so much trouble for my family, at least they made it seem like I was causing stress and was being a nuisance to their lives. But I now know thinking all of that now, it would’ve been hell on earth for them if they lost me. Just like it is for my best friends family. I told a friend recently those thoughts have crept up on me again. They sent me this song and said “If I have to cry to this song because you left me… I will punch you in the after life”

That broke my heart to think I would ever leave my friends and family. It also let me know I am lucky to be alive to have people care that much about me and be so angry with me about taking my own life, they’d come to me in the after life.

Now I want you to know, first I would never do anything to harm myself because I wouldn’t do that to my family. Second, I know people care about me and I am ever so grateful for them. I won’t ever put them through what I went through that. Third… You are not alone. I love you. And I care for you. If there is any way you need to contact anyone, hit me up. I’ll respond as soon as possible. There are just some days when I feel the world would be better off without me. I’ve been spiritually attacked since that day. Mentally, I’m attacked and these things happen. I’ve always thought that. It’s an awful thing to go through life like that. But I don’t want to hide from these feelings because I did run from these feelings for a long time and it almost brought me to where my best friend is. I have a lot on my mind right now and it took me a long time to type this… It’s now 3:30 am and I’m not even close to tired. The tears in my eyes have been keeping me awake. I know this is a really heavy post, but in the first part of my page, this is my diary. And this is how I’m feeling. I apologize if this song makes you cry like it did me. Because of this song, I now feel like showing my appreciation to everyone in my life. I ask you do the same.

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