I am so done. I have this feeling that I am bothering everyone.
I can’t shake the feeling. I get like this every now and then. It sucks and I can never shake it. I’m not sure what’s going on though. It’s best if I just stay away from everyone right now. That’s why my internet is turned off on both tablet and phone and my phone is airplane mode… I bug people too much and I need to just stop, take a step back and breath. It’s not anything anyone else did, I just get like this. As long as I can remember, that’s how it’s been, well that’s how I’ve been. I hope that the people I talk with can understand and have patience with me. I am starting to see how insecure I am and that needs to stop because it’s a lie and I need to look at myself in a new light. I’m trying.
I told my brotha from anotha mother about this specific person who been having an impact on my life and it was a great conversation and my bro said he doesn’t blame him because I’m an easy person to talk to. I need to get it together and stop being so darn insecure because I shouldn’t be. I need stop thinking the world would be better off without me. I’ve always felt and thought that because honestly, I do think the world would be better off without me but my two best friends have told me multiple times that they have no idea where they’d be without me and the other said I was “Soul food” as my nickname on messenger. I am important. I am needed and I am wanted. Being mentally beaten down from my youngest memory to the age of 15. It can really mess with a person, and I still struggle with it to this day. My sisters always get mad at me for “bringing up their past” but their past, still affects me TODAY. So most of the time to avoid them getting butt-hurt and getting mad at me talking about what I’m going through to save their feelings and our relationship, I just keep my mouth shut. I guess you can say there’s a little resentment. I can’t just “brush it off” because if I do, then I’ll suppress those feelings. It’s not healthy to keep things in, right?
It’s already difficult for me to express what I’m feeling because I freeze up and can never find the words to fully help the other person understand because I never really go to anyone in the first place, unless it’s through a screen, because it’s way easier to type it out than to say it out loud. Back to my point… I never really go to anyone because every time I do try, they don’t get it and misunderstand and almost always get upset, or tell me to brush it off. This is what happens when I brush it off, I suppress those feelings, and when you shake a soda bottle too much, it’ll explode because all that carbon is being held in. Then, you have Coca Cola all over the floor and things get sticky and it takes a little bit to clean up. It leaves stains and it leaves things sticky. I guess they might have a point, but if it bothers me, it matters, right? Maybe not all the time and not every little thing, no. But some things maybe they do matter.
My phone is still on airplane mode and I will be perfectly okay with not feeling like a bother to anyone for the rest of the week to be honest. I’m going to just let people message me first, because if they wanted to talk to me, they would. That’s where I’m at with myself to be honest. It’s not anything anyone has done. It’s myself and what I go through every few months or so. For now, I’m going to watch the MTV Awkward, drink some water and laugh at the funny moments. Then take the month of May on like a boss while I sip my coffee and better myself because that’s what I deserve and that’s what I need. Now please, don’t get me wrong I love everyone who has been trying to be there for me. I still care for you and I still appreciate you. So don’t you worry. All I ask is for patience during my time of change.
I really hope that one day someone will know when I’m not really okay and I say I’m okay. Because I am stubborn and I am very prideful when it comes to looking weak. That’s what I look for in my future husband to be honest, I will marry them if they know when I’m truly upset or bothered because let me tell you, I’m a good actress, I used to want to be one and why do you think that is? I can pretend I’m the happiest person, but be super upset deep down and I need someone who can look past that and sit down with me and ask me what’s wrong and continue sitting with me until I can finally express what in the world is going on with me. Or even when I’m quiet, when I’m quiet, that’s a dangerous place to be in for me because, my thoughts are much louder than my voice can be when I’m quiet. So, along with all heroes please apply, all “hubby’s” please apply.
Only those who care about you can hear you when you’re quiet.