In November of 2013, my family lost a dear cousin of mine. We’re still unsure of what happened to him, God knows. But I am missing him dearly tonight. I used to hang out with him a few months before he passed and it was refreshing getting to know him. I live in a small town, so it was a tragic time in our town and everyone knew about it, I had plenty of people come up to me and try and talk to me about it during the time he was missing… He was missing a total of 4 1/2 days. It broke my family in ways that we’re still repairing. It breaks my heart thinking he’s not here to watch his niece grow and see his sister in a new light. I saw my aunt’s post today on his memorial page and I just started crying. My heart hurts tonight and I don’t know how to deal with this other than to pray. There are a couple of people who have told me to call them when I’m upset or mad, but they’re all busy and I’m not sure which way to turn.
Another thing I’m missing is my independence. I used to not be so dependent on people. When I was upset like I am now, I feel the need right now to turn to a few people with my sadness… I used to just deal with it on my own. By myself. I didn’t need anyone nor did I want anyone to be there. To be honest it seems like a sign of weakness when you depend on someone when you’re upset, that’s just my opinion for myself. I’ve recently told someone a situation I was in and what I’ve been going through and they told me to call when I’m mad or upset. But they’re busy tonight. I feel the need to lean on them? I used to never need anyone, ever. I find it funny that the one night I need someone, no one is in sight. This is why I wouldn’t ever want to “need” anyone. I’ve always known that you can’t depend on people because people will fail you all the time. But man that is way easier said than done. I hate needing someone. Anyone. I like the thought of being there for myself but it never seems to be enough for me, very strange, I know.
Another thing I miss, is my best friend Judd. He died when I was 6 years old. I would do anything to have him as my best friend again. I always wonder what kind of friend I would be to him and what kind of friend he’d be to me. He would be here for me tonight. He would know exactly what’s going on with me right now. I crave that friendship. I need that kind of friendship if not, more than a friendship. I would definitely be okay with needing him tonight. I do need him. Unfortunately I can’t have him. The sad thing is, those who can be there for me, aren’t here. They’re alive, fresh and well. But they aren’t here. I need Juddy tonight. I need a good shoulder to cry on and I need a good shoulder to laugh on when he would have made me laugh. I know I was only six years old… But, sometimes you just know how things would have turned out.
Another thing that’s bothering me tonight is I have almost smoked the past couple of nights. That may not seem like a huge deal to anyone reading this, it’s a huge deal to me because I was addicted. I had to smoke everyday and that’s all I ever was really motivated to do, which became my anti depressant. I didn’t care about anything BUT getting that bud. It was a sad life. I got irritated when I couldn’t have. I didn’t care about my attitude with anyone. I was truly an awful person. Some of you might not completely understand and I know some of those reading know me, and know that I am not a bad person… But I used to be. Weed had a huge affect on me. In a negative way. I don’t want that life again. That’s where all my time and money went. I can’t go back to that, but something is fighting me hard to smoke lately.
The quote I have on here today is what I used to live by.
Happiness is an inside job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life.