You know how on The Perks of Being a Wallflower, where Charlie is happy and sad; and he was trying to figure out how that can be?
That’s where I’m at right now. I’ve been going through a lot mentally… But I’m also happy. Like, I hate myself and my personality.
I am incredibly happy, and in my last few posts, that’s because of someone. One of the reasons why I don’t like who I am is because I get really intense and super passionate when it comes to stuff like this. It drives me crazy but I haven’t been able to change that about myself, I’m not sure how I can change that to be honest. I guess it’s only happened a few times, but if I’m being completely honest, this feeling kind of scares me. I don’t know how to act, I don’t know how to function and I certainly do not know how to stop from being so passionate and super head over heels. WHY DO I GET LIKE THIS?!?! I’m getting frustrated with myself… It freaks me out, because the last time I was like this I poured my heart out to this kid (he was a little younger than me) and he completely blew me off. It tore me in ways I hate thinking about. I told myself to never put myself out there like that again, but like I’ve said in my previous blog entries… That’s what “this” is about, taking risks, right? Something may never even happen and I definitely need to keep that in mind, but man I can’t help it. That is another reason why I don’t like who I am in some ways it can be good, but that’s only when you know for sure that someone else feels the same way, and is in it for the same reasons, y’all gotta be on the same page.
The ironic thing about this is, that’s also how I am beyond happy. How is that possible? I feel like I’m at the top of the world. I’m at a very odd crossroads with all of this. It took me awhile to let someone in and it’s still taking some time. I sound so crazy due to the fact that I may not know them entirely. But yet, I don’t care. But then, yes I do care. This is the roller coaster part I’m talking about.
“We are enjoying each other. I love talking to you. I don’t think we should question it if we’re both having fun and nobody is getting hurt. You are my home away from home. You get my mind off the craziness. I need you.” I need to take that to heart and just not question it. I’m just not entirely sure if I should be quoting that on here, but y’all don’t know who I’m talking about, y’all only know what I’m talking about; so, I hope it’s okay, but if not, oh well. Is it bad that I’m rooting for this? Because I really am rooting for myself in this whole thing. UGH. The struggle is really real y’all. I thought this song was appropriate for how I’m feeling lately, it’s down below.
When I first met you, I honestly didn’t know you were gonna be this important to me.